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Does anyone ever feel happy but suicidal?

Midnight.Panda

Midnight.Panda

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2018
Messages
193
It's really weird because I feel like I am in a really good place in life right now. I haven't been feeling a lot of anxiety and my mood has been better. Usually, when I feel suicidal, it's preceded by really low mood and I just can't get out of bed and I feel awful. But lately, I've been happy yet the suicidal thoughts are there like a dull, aching pain on the back-burner. I am able to be functional and I mostly try to shrug it off and sometimes it works.

Usually when I am suicidal, it feels like my own thoughts and it's like I actively try to think disturbing things. But now they're intruding thoughts that pop up even when I am having a great time and it doesn't feel like it's me anymore. I don't feel like I am actually suicidal, but it's more like I am anticipating that I'll get worse and that I'll die in a few months. There's something inside of me that accepts that I am not going to be alive next year.
 
LizBo

LizBo

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 1, 2019
Messages
377
Location
Down-under
Hey there Panda;

I do understand. For me it was a nagging feeling that the easy way out was still an option even when things were good. Eventually I confronted those thoughts in my journal.

Writing in a continuous manner without judging or analyzing what's written can produce eye opening statements. I found that deep down, I wasn't really 'committed' to living; if that makes sense.

Do you journal at all?
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
3,367
Location
Nowhere
yes I think so, not recently
but I remember feeling both things
and ive heard others speak of it too

I felt at one time that I was full of joy
but that my exuberance had no place in this world
that I was just ready to fly away into the sunset

:grouphug:
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Apr 9, 2011
Messages
33,254
Location
Magical fairy wonderland xxxx
I know exactly how you feel
even though this s the happiest time of my life I still feel the need to die most days
im just wondering what your diagnosis is ,as I started a thread recently about bpd and suicidal thoughts x
I find even when things are going ok I still have suicidal feelings ,something I have found recently helps a little is taking my medication properly
please try and let yourself be happy you deserve to be
lots of love Lu xxx
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,015
Sorry if I've misunderstood what you feel, but it sounds like maybe things are getting better for you if you can function and generally cope better now, but maybe you are so used to feeling down, that there is a voice in your head working against you, saying this isn't right, why are you coping better? Maybe you need to trust yourself more.
Me, I can feel suicidal when hyper, happy, or manic because it scares me that I feel happy. I am used to thinking the happiness won't last.
I think the feeling that you will die in the next year is an illusion caused by depression. I have had this feeling a lot for many years. My therapist used to say it was ridiculous, but turns out she was right... here I am still alive. Even nowadays, I feel the same thing, but probably chances are I will still be alive. Maybe this feeling you are too tired to be alive and will die soon is a sign of depression. I hope it gets better for you. It is a hard fight I know.
 
TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 5, 2019
Messages
284
Location
On The Train
I have been depressed and suicidal on and off for many years. I am in a happy place now but sometimes the idea of suicide creeps up. If I am triggered by something bad, even if my day has been great, suicidal thoughts jump into my head like a monster lurking. Things have never been so good for me as they are right now but I still think about how bad they used to be and how devestated I WILL be when they DO go downhill.

I think it comes from being used to things being bad. I notice when I am tired or don't get enough sleep or have any pain in my body, I will feel suicidal like I don't want to go on anymore. My therapist tells me to distract myself and let the thoughts pass.
 
G

grentthealien

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 6, 2019
Messages
45
Location
Newfoundland Canada
It’s understandable. I still enjoy things like I was really enjoying a video game the other day and while I wouldn’t say that I was happy I was at the very least worry free for the majority of the 4-6 hours I was playing.

Back in early July I told myself I’d give life one last try and if it didn’t work out I could always end it all someday. For a while things were looking good for about a month or so, but in the back of my mind I always had a feeling that things weren’t going to go the way I wanted. Call it inner intuition if you will.

Sure enough all that I feared came to life and now I once again can clearly see that there is no hope for me. I don’t have a date in mind like your inner voice seems to, but I know it is the only way I’ll be free.

I’ll say this suicide is no joke. We tend to act like it is an easy thing to do, but it is not. Naturally we have a built in desire to seek survival so trying to fight or deprogram ourselves from over 200,000 years of evolutionary progress is quite difficult to say the least. I honestly think people who claim that victims of suicide are cowards really don’t consider that fact enough. Only when the fear of continuing to live outweighs the fear of dying will I be able to leave
 
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