Does anyone else obsess and hero-worship people?

C

cumulonimbus

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#1
There is always one person in my life who I obsess over, and whose opinion of me means everything.

The first ever person was my teacher when I was 11. Ever since then there's been a person in authority who I am dying to get close to (and who by definition I cannot get close to), usually female (so am I). It's been teachers, college lecturers, bosses, but there is only one 'idol' at a time.

Their opinion of me, and that I am important to them means everything. I will semi-stalk the person at work to have opportuities to have a kind word said to me or just be seen by them. I crave their attention like sugar.

I am deeply ashamed of this, I have learnt since I was 11 how to cover it up pretty well. Mostly I act off-hand with them. If I acted naturally, I would be asking tonnes of personal questions trying to get to know them, flinging my arms around them, pouring out my deepest hopes and fears, and begging them never to forget me and stay in touch forever.

I am a girl, 26, and I have never had a relationship or intimate experience with a man. It's like these female idols occupy all my thoughts and desires. I don't think I am gay though beause it's never anything sexual.
I am emotionaly afraid of men though, it's like they're another species or something.

I come from a stable, loving family background with no childhood traumas or abuse, whoch is why I don't understand why I'm such an insecure and needy person.

Is anyone else like me??:-(
I have always felt so alone. Nobody knows I am secretly a freak. I desperately want to get rid of this need and these feelings, but I can't seem to talk myself out of it for more than a day or two.

Please let me know if you understand, or have any idea what is wrong with me or why I am like this:-(
xx
 
deedle141

deedle141

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#2
Hi, I'm so glad you started this thread because I am exactly the same, and it's so great to know I'm not just a weirdo! I'm a female aged 18 and I first noticed myself doing this at about 13 - with females again, usually one or two at a time. I wondered if I was gay but as you say, there is nothing sexual in it. I've never had a relationship with a man either.

I find I talk about my idols all the time to other people, I thought they didn't notice but on the odd occasion someone like my sister would say to a friend (with me in earshot) that I was obsessed with someone. I fantasize about them too, either about them helping me when I freak out or about me helping them in some way.

I was recently diagnosed with borderline and dependent personality disorders - I never told anyone about this but I have loads of other symptoms - and, from looking at diagnostic criteria I reckon it's got something to do with that (should add that I'm not a pro or anything, these are just my thoughts). I'm working up to discussing this with my psychiatrist but it's taking a long time, I've only ever hinted about it so far but I reckon she's guessed it already. I just feel so ashamed about it, it's so hard to tell anyone. My aunt's my carer (she was an idol of mine too, but she brought herself into my life and became a mum to me of her own choice so it's slightly different), I tell her literally everything - except about this. I just can't.

I was emotionally abused as a child and a teenager by two different people (ironically women) - but apparently they don't know the causes of personality disorders for certain, they just have loads of theories. Personality disorder runs in my family, and I was abused so I guess that's what caused mine, but there are other reasons too. Check out the emergence website - I found that had loads of useful info.

I feel like I should say thanks for posting what you did, it's been so helpful for me to sort-of-discuss it! I know it's so hard to deal with because it feels so wrong and taboo in a way, like it has to be a dirty secret. I really wish it would go away too but I don't think either of us can do this on our own. I really hope this has helped even a tiny bit :hug:
 
F

feelgood

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#3
I too am the same, thank god someone else feels the same. Mine too is females, i am 41, i was abused sexually by my father, and physically by my mother, so i always thought i was trying to find a replacement, i too have not had a relationship, but the people i get attached to are not a replacement for a partner, i do not see them in this way. At the moment i am obsessed by my boss (female) I hate having holidays as i feel very lonely if i donot see her its like she is my security, its like a comfort. I am so pleased tobe able to talk to people who can understand this and how it feels.
 
M

madwife

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#4
Yes I do this too! I am 31 and thinking now I have done this since puberty. Started with teachers then significant women in my life, eg managers at work. I too would imagine them helping me through a crisis and looking after me.

I have recently moved and it is hard not having the 2 ppl I adored from my old work. I can see me putting my new gp in this position because I keep just wanting to see her.

Is good to hear from other ppl who do this! Xxx
 
T

Tainted

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#5
Wow, I'm also glad this has been brought up.

I can remember form the age of five my first obsession with someone, my school teacher. I am female and also seem to worship only females.

My latest obsession was with my CPN who discharged me last week. I used to day dream of different situations what she might do or say and what I would do or say. Whilst I know it is nothing sexual (I am happily married) I miss her so much.

I have never told anyone and I never will as I feel embarrassed and ashamed.

When I think about it I always seem to have someone I idolise. I really miss my cpn at the moment. She was so kind.

It's nice to know others feel the same way/
 
deedle141

deedle141

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#7
Nutri - it's not the same though. Saying this on here is different because nobody here knows you personally, I couldn't bare to say it out loud to someone I care about and who cares about me, typing into a computer screen believing that other people will understand and won't judge you for it is - for want of a better word - easier.
 
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J

john1

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#8
For those who have not had a healthy loving relationship with a man or woman, despite the expressed lack of sexual intent; it could be the sublimation of the passion, obsession and idolisation that people experience when they fall in love and do have a physical relationship.
 
T

Tainted

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#9
deedle41 that's exactly how I feel. Writing to a computer screen fells just like I am talking to a computer. Obviouslt people read my comments and that's great. Ib a way I kind of feel anoymunous as no one personally know's me.

It's really helpful to hear other people feel the same way with regards to hero worshiping. Does anyone know how not to have these obsessions? As when the person is out of my life, I feel heart broken and empty.
 
deedle141

deedle141

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#10
I thought I'd write this on here as I think the people who have posted on this thread might understand. Am feeling really naff as I volunteer in a primary school 3 mornings a week and I love it, mostly because I like the kinds of jobs I do there but also partly because the classteacher has become an idol to me - in the sense discussed above. I'm finding it really worrying as I really want to enjoy what I do for the job, and feel that I'd like to be a TA in the future - except I'm not sure I want that for the right reasons.
Then today, the head at the school passed me a form for a crb check, I know I'm supposed to have one and with no criminal record it shouldn't be a problem anyway, but then I found out that this teacher had asked for it to be done. Half of me was over the moon because I felt it meant she wanted me to stay volunteering there, but then the other half was automatically thinking "she doesn't trust me". She knows about my diagnoses, and even though she's 100% supportive, I thought that maybe she's starting to have her doubts. The rational part of my brain is trying to tell me that it's probably neither, i did need one doing and not having a check was stressing me slightly as I didn't know whether or not I was allowed to be alone with the kids, and it's just a question of the school getting round to it. But it's making me feel awful, partly because of my need for her approval. Does anyone relate to this? Any advice?
Thanks
 
blacktulip

blacktulip

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#11
Oh Jee wizz yes thanks for starting this thread so nice to know its not just me......slightly different with me though in that i tend to end up sleeping with them.
Lets see 1st time i remember idolising someone it was a female teacher in primary school, then a female teacher in high school.
Then my college tutor at college and when on a residential (we had a lil snog you know)
Then my youth worker, i was in awe of her and wanted to be a youth worker just like her (which i did) we ended up sleeping together :redface:

Then when i started work the same with my boss, we ended up having a 4 year ish relationship but she battered the hell out of me.
Another job with social services and i was obsessed with my boss, 6 year relationship.....there were people in between these times that i obviously didnt end up in a relationship with.

Latest my CPN, had last appointment with her a couple of weeks ago and i was gutted....still am.
But i also idolise my now partner of 5 years so thats good
 
F

flyingbluebird

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#12
yesd i have struggled with this. worrying, i am straight, but often these obsessions were over older women. i dont know why- i had a fantastic mother so i dont think it was caused by that.

and i also need constant affirmation and reassurance from those people

funny thing is, i fear real closeness and being controlled by people, so im not co-dependant. im not someone who always needs a boyfriend or cant be alone, but i always seem to want to be loved and "special"- i feel invisible if im not affirmed constantly or given loads of attention. yet at the same time ioften feel ashamed, dirty and can be very shy.
i had abuse in my childhood and wonder whether that caused this
 
Boris

Boris

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#13
There is a belief that what happens to you as a baby isn`t important as you can`t remember it... I personally believe neglect, insecurity etc brought about by your parents having problems with each other etc has a profound effect on your needs etc as a person as you grow up. I wonder if there is, or has been any research on this...
 
M

mazza

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#14
I tend to do the same, it's always women. It's almost a reverence and is usually women of influence. Unfortunately once they fall off their pedestal, the sense of loss is overwhelming. I think it's a need to feel safe and secure, as i feel they will take care of me
 
B

bittersweetdefeat

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#15
Oh my gosh thank you SO MUCH for posting this! I've been looking all over google for something that would relate to my habit of admiring a person (all female, except for one):

The funny thing is, the first occurence of this I can remember was in pre-school, so I think I have done it my whole life. The main causes of Borderline Personality are thought to be: 1)GENETICS (very complicated, but inherited traits would be moodiness - extreme - and impulsivity, etc. 2)early childhood abuse/trauma 3) growing up in an invalidating environment where emotions were "bad"/didn't matter/should be kept to self.

I have been studying Borderline Personality Disorder obsessively on and off but all I could come across on the internet and in most of the books was the term "idealizing" - meaning you idolize someone and see them as "all good." It was comforting to come across that, but I wanted to know if I was weird/unique even for a borderline because the information never talked about how OBSESSIVE the idealizing can be. The EXTREMES of idealizing wasn't really as noticeable until I was about 11, when the idolized person was pretty much all I could think about. For example...I was in residential treatment centers for adolescents the last few years, and at each place there were staff to take care of me and keep me safe. Even though there were, what, 20 to 30 staff and about 15 were female, there was always 1 or 2 I would attach to. These women I tend to have "borderline" relationships with have had some personality traits in common: witty/smart-alec/sarcastic, hard, blunt, confident, seemingly dominant/in charge, been through a lot, knew herself and made sure everyone else knew who she was too, stuck with me through ups and downs/mood swings no matter how mean I was, and were interested in and obviously cared about me. And even the second I met them I had this heightened view and thought that THEY CAN BE MY NEW FAVORITE PERSON...like they were celebrities and I was an undercover fan who secretly needed and was DYING to get to know them.

I know it is typical human behavior to be attracted to people with similar personality traits you admire in yourself. I am witty/sarcastic/smart-mouthed, act like an alpha/queen around other people, have been through some stuff, and am blunt too, but the difference is is that I feel inferior to them. I feel inferior to most people - like I am worth less than most humans and should be treated like dirt - but to these SPECIAL women I feel extra inferior. These women pretty much make or break me.

Usually I have compulsive phases too like with an image or stereotype that I can become, but these people-obsessions replace those. I would say it's almost like having a crush but it's not really sexual. Once in a while I get confused and think some of the stuff they do is “hot” and think I’m crushing on them, but that’s not it at all. And they seem like a forbidden subject. I fantasize, role-play, and live for the next time I get to spend with them. I think about them all the time, and often find myself modeling after them. But then again I feel like I can't get enough of them, and I’m also paranoid that they are "messing with my head" and just pretending to like me because they feel bad for me. The fact that they are interested/care about me just seems too good to be true. And I obsess the most when I'm feeling empty, so I preoccupy myself by trying to find out everything I can about them, or replaying conversations I've had with them for an emotional affect and to fill me up, or replaying everything they’ve ever said to me, thinking back to certain memories. Then sometimes I even crave for them to punish me. This used to happen with teachers. I try so hard to stop thinking about them, but it's like my brain compulsively flips right back to them. ALWAYS. And then I try and relate everything else going on around me, that has nothing to do with them, somehow to them. They are my world, my life. And I love them so much, and like every emotion, my love for them consumes me and fills me so much that I feel like I’m going to explode (but not in a sexual way). I want them to know how special and important they are to me while having the wish that they feel the same way about me. I always want to be their "favorite" I want to be special to them and will do anything I can to get their attention. I also feel like I would die without them yet expect them to abandon me.

My whole view of myself depends on how they view me when I am around them. If they say something nice to me I will replay and overanalyze it trying to find out what they "really meant" because it feels like it was either said to mess with me or it was too good to be true. My mixed emotions just don’t make sense. You know?

Even when I am in my dysphoric/self-loathing core empty mode or extreme distress and I see them I want to spend time with them so bad, I want them to help me and fix me, but I feel guilty for wanting to be close to them because I feel like I don't deserve it and I am worthless and disgusting. Then when I do get close it feels TOO CLOSE and try and back off (which is never successful). I guess I project onto them. But I'm always terrified that they are going to turn on me, humiliate me, or just flat-out abandon me. It’s almost like they create an identity for me. If I misperceive something as criticism/rejection I will feel such rage and hatred for them (the feelings I usually feel towards myself) and I will feel betrayed and just want to keep them around to abuse them but deep down I know I love them with all of my existence.

When I'm actually spending time with them I get extremely self-conscious and it's almost uncomfortable. I get mortified over little things. Their compliments will fill me up for the time being and provide me with a temporary sense of self-confidence and acceptance, but as soon as they’re not around I start to doubt the sincerity. I'm always worrying that they're going to leave and am desperate to keep them in my presence. I feel like they are my favorite person in the world. I feel like I just take and will never be able to give back to them, even though I do. I feel so guilty and manipulative and immature but I just can't seem to help it.

I feel ashamed of this too because although it may have been more "normal" before puberty it is not appropriate for me - as an adult (18) myself - to crave someone's attention and intimacy like that. It is not their job to take care of me. I am not their responsibility. I feel like an unwanted, broken child inside sometimes and I just want these Goddess-women to fix me and fill up the horrible emotional hole I feel inside.

But the truth is, to everyone else they're just ordinary human beings. No one else really seems to see them the way I do.
 
aleshadxcherylc

aleshadxcherylc

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#16
hi hun
You are not a freak i feel the same too about my past CBT therapist so i understand and can realte to every bit of what you say and i used to be like it with my primary school teachers i liked and my learning support assistant 1 in paticular but most recently my CBT therapist
So glad to hear im not alone
ive never had friends or a boyfriend either
Take care
Katie
xx
 
J

jaxie40

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#17
OMG, I've just read through this thread and thought "this is me". I'm 40 and have had depression on and off for over 20 years. Recently I've wondered if there's more to my mental health issues than depressionand have read about PD's. This makes me wonder if I have a PD

Since I was young I've always had a woman that I obsess over, whether it be a teacher, doctor, actress or a character on TV. If it's an actress, I try and find ways to contact them, and watch everything they've been in.
 
aleshadxcherylc

aleshadxcherylc

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#18
I completlly understand jaxie
im questioning now if i have something more than depression and my other issues do you reckon i should mention it when i see my therapist next?
its werid how we dignoise ourselves but the so called professionals dont!
Katie
xx
 
J

jaxie40

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#19
Hey Katie. Yes it is weird. IN all these years, I've never seen a MH professional to be diagnosed, only ever seen my doctor, a therapist for referral, and a psychotherapist.

I'm wondering if I should mention it to my GP when I see her next month too, not that it'll make much difference. I know it's only really a 'label', but I think I could understand myself better if I knew

:hug: to you Katie
 
C

cumulonimbus

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#20
Bittersweetdefeat I totally get what you are describing!
My idols are also strong, always-in-control, some would say 'hard' women, who don't usually show all that much emotions themselves, but they can key into others' emotions, and have many many other qualities that I admire.

My whole view of myself is also fixed around what they think of me. If I have disappointed them in some way, then I am bad and worthless, but if I help them or they say something nice to me then I am over the moon.
My main problem is that I get terribly paranoid that they 'see through me', realise that I like them a lot and think I fancy them or something, so I tend to run really hot and cold with them, one minute really friendly and the next day practically ignoring them and cutting conversations short because I don't want to overstep the line of when friendlyness becomes wierdness. The hot/coldness in itself probably makes me seem strange and insincere.
Just like you I will fantasise about certain situations where our relationship becomes more personal, but if it gets that way in reality I will back off straight away because it is too close. As an example, we once travelled as part of my job, and ended up sharing a room. Well, that was the most awkward and uncomfortable experience ever, I just didn't know how to 'be' with them in that situation at all.

My fantasies aren't them punishing me, it's them rescuing me. I will imagine I have fallen down the stairs or something, and they take me to hospital and visit me and worry that I am OK. In secondary school I once faked a faint. At the time I thought I'd pulled it off, but looking back it is soooo painful to think about because I know the teachers must have seen through me. I am often tempted to try it again in certain moods, but in the end I never have because I just know that would be a whole new level of wierd, and I don't want to go there again.

I have never seen a mental health professional. I have never spoken to my GP or anyone else about this, or any other mental health issues. This is my little secret. Do you think I could have borderline personality disorder?? I have none of the risk factors! But maybe quite a few of the symptoms. I don't really ever want a formal diagnosis because it might affect my line of work and career, and, I really am mostly functioning very well, I lock my secret deep down inside. Just wondering what you think!
 

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