Does anyone else feel like this? Please help

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mily87

Member
Joined
Oct 8, 2018
Messages
7
#1
Does anyone understand how it feels when inside you are screaming for someone to listen but you can literally not open your mouth to explain how much fear and pain you are in? This is me at the moment. I was coping so well with my PTSD triggers and flashbacks but have somehow unravelled into the mess I now am. The problem is on the outside I appear perfectly normal. People come to me for help which I really don't mind but at times like this I wish they could physically see the scars that have cut me deep on the inside.

A little background on me is this, I was sexually abused as a very young child repeatedly.
My mother mentally, emotionally and physically abused me for as long as I can remember. And even though I know I am now an adult, I cannot get that mother out of my heead.

I was kicked out of my house when I was 18 after they stopped getting money for me and went to the only place I thought safe. I moved in with a man who spent the next 9 years sexually abusing me and nearly killed me on several occasions.

I am now safe and with someone whom I adore.
So why do I feel this way? So alone? Does anyone else feel like this?
 
InfiniteRectangles

InfiniteRectangles

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 23, 2018
Messages
508
Location
Georgia, USA
#2
Wow. I could have written this post myself. I completely understand what you are going through. I unfortunately don't have any advice for you as I have gone through the same thing and I am searching for answers just like you. I can tell you though that what you are feeling won't last forever. Open up to your partner if you can and try to let them into your life so you feel less alone. Tell them when you're not feeling well. Be open and honest with them.

I really hope things get better for you soon, and I am sorry you've been through so much. But just know that you are not alone. :hug1:
 
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Elaine59

Member
Joined
Oct 8, 2018
Messages
7
#3
I have been where you are just without the crazy Momma part. My Momma is good. She has her own specific problems, but she did better than any of her other siblings
I, too, was habitually molested fror a period of about 10 years. I finally stood up to him! However. The horror is real and continued to interfere with my life. I think the best thing that I did to help myself was to write it all down. I wrote for hours,cever vile thing that I was forced to do, the shame, I wrote it down, I read it aloud for several days while pretending I was telling him. Then I burned it and declared that it not longer had power over me, he's dead, he was sick.
We were children. The adults in our lives failed to protect us. It was not our fault, we didn't willingly participate in our own abuse. Nope. I hope you can find some peace in all of your troubles. Please know, you are valued and you are loved. We are not what happened to us.
 
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mily87

Member
Joined
Oct 8, 2018
Messages
7
#4
Hi InfiniteRectangles,

I wish that no one had gone through what I went through but at the same time it is so comforting to know I am not alone. I do try and talk to my partner and he does know that I was abused and was in an abusive relationship before but I can't seem to open up, especially before or during a flashback or triggers. I don't know if he could cope to hear what has happened or even to hear why i cant sleep unless the door is totally closed and how sometimes I feel like the world is going to end because years ago it nearly did and I get transported there in my head when in real life we are just at the local shops, or in our home. I am afraid
Do you feel like this?

Have you got a partner? How do you cope?
 
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mily87

Member
Joined
Oct 8, 2018
Messages
7
#5
Hi Elaine59,

Thanks for the response and I'm sorry that you too have gone through that abuse. That is amazing that you stod up to him though! I tried and failed to stand up to my mum but I did manage to stand up to my abusive ex and because of that he is in jail now.

The man who abused me as a child though will never go to jail. The police deem him "unfit" to be questioned despite other people coming forward. I have mixed emotions about this.

I like the burn journal! I like to write. I used to write poetry and gt all my emotions and feelings out that way but my ex and mother ruined that for me. Now I tremble when I write and fear writing how i actually feel incase someone hurts me or reads it and uses it against me.

I think I feel angry, angry at the parents that abused us or didn't protect us. Angry that others didn't see that little girl that was desperate for help. And so very very sad. I know I am not my past, that despite what people have done to my body they have not damaged the person I am, someone kind.

I just know that whilst I now have people that love me I don't really know what love is. It almost hurts to feel it because it reminds me how extremely bad things were.

I am sorry if this doesn't make sense and I hope you are well.

Mily