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Does anyone else feel exactly like this?

1

110101

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Apr 24, 2019
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Kent
I think I just need to hear something from someone that’s having the same feelings as I am because it’s all well and good going to a therapist or talking to someone you trust but they all say that there’s this “light” at the end of the tunnel that you just don’t see yet but I think that anyone experiencing these feelings knows that they’re never really going to go away and you just have to learn to live with them. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me but I just want to speak to someone that understands so here’s the background; from the age of about 5/6 I’ve had a string of abuse from people that should’ve loved and protected me, verbal, emotional, physical and sexual abuse and I’m sure that anyone that’s experienced any of these knows that there’s so much to it all that you can never tell someone everything because it was an everyday occurrence. The name calling and constant bullying was second nature to me. I’ve been so badly manipulated that I absolutely hate myself, I think I’m a disgusting human being inside and out. I felt so trapped in my own head that a few months ago I tried to kill myself and it wasn’t an eye opener for me that actually I did want to live and move past everything, I was just angry and upset that it didn’t work and all I think about all day everyday is how I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t need to speak to a helpline because I don’t want help with it and if I was going to do something then no one would stop me but I just want someone who understands. There’s so many thoughts and feelings going on in my head that I don’t know what they are, I can’t explain how I’m feeling because I don’t know, I don’t know how to put it all to words and I just need to know if anyone else feels like that? I’m trapped in my own head.
 
calypso

calypso

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:welcome: to the forum. No-one experiences things the same way so no not exactly like you, but I am diagnosed with bipolar and understand depression all too well. People who talk about the light at the end of the tunnel don't understand that the tunnel is VERY long and there often isn't light there.

I understand that feeling of being trapped inside your head. I used to feel so alone with it all and no-one seemed to understand at all. When my mood swings down, and the downs can last for years, I have no hope or strength. I hold on because I don't want to hurt others by dying. But lets say I wouldn't strive to stay alive exactly.

You say that therapy isn't for you. Have you ever tried it? Just wondered. I tried several types until I found one which taught me how to cope with my thoughts and feelings. It doesn't work all the time at all, but it helps. Being on the right cocktail of meds does too. I had to try umpteen types before finding the right ones for me. I know that you don't see the point in that at all though.

To have survived what you have is remarkable and I'm not surprised you feel the way you do. anyone would feel that way. You aren't disgusting though I can tell you that for nothing. The people who did this to you are the disgusting ones.
 
1

110101

New member
Joined
Apr 24, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Kent
Thank you so much for your reply, there’s so much relief to know that people do feel helpless when you get told things will get better, I thought I must’ve been being over dramatic or something because it’s constantly being said. Yes I have tried therapy, I’m currently 11 weeks into it and it’s just not helping because I won’t tell her about things that have happened to me and how I feel because I can’t talk to someone unless I completely trust them but obviously in therapy they’re complete strangers and some people find that easier but I don’t, there is one person in the world that knows pretty much everything that’s happened and I only really opened up about that recently but that’s all I’ve got, 1 person and I don’t feel like I can really tell them how I feel anymore because they just get angry and upset when I tell them that I don’t want to be here anymore. They’ve said that it’s cowardly, selfish and the “easy” way out and I know 100% they didn’t say it to try and be horrible but It really doesn’t help when they say it because it just makes me close up even more. In regards to pills I got offered some anti depressants when I was in hospital after I tried to kill myself and I didn’t accept them just because I don’t want something to take the pain away for me and make me happy, I want to be truly happy within myself but I know that the only way that’s ever going to happen with me is if I completely forget everything that’s happened in my past but obviously that can’t ever happen and that’s where my problem is :-( I’m so glad that you’ve got help for yourself
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Mar 19, 2019
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3,205
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UK
Hello

Huge hug to start with :hug:

Yes, I completely understand how you feel and I'm a survivor of a toxic childhood. Everything you describe, I can relate to.

All children of five or six years old are completely innocent. Nothing that happened to you was ever your fault or in your power to change. You were at the mercy of adults.

Can you possibly hate that tiny, defenceless version of you?

Because you didn't have love and security and healthy relationships as a child, how well equipped could you possibly be for adult life? That is not your fault. This is the same frightened and hurt little five year old living in a more mature body - the feelings haven't gone away and you haven't experienced support, love or kindness to make you feel secure and happy.

I would guess that your teenage years were hell and that you hated yourself because you were conditioned by your abuse to feel worthless. Perhaps disastrous relationships, drug abuse and acts of rebellion have been part of your story - when we feel like we're worthless, we behave as if we are worthless.

You have every right to feel angry about what has happened to you.

You have every right to feel rage at the people who abused you or hurt you.

You have NO REASON to hate yourself, darling. NONE. No matter what destructive things you have done as an adult who still has an unheard child within them screaming for help.

It's not your fault.

You are not disgusting and feeling like this is temporary.

This is time to be your own best friend first and foremost.

If childhood flashbacks enter your mind, put your adult self in that memory as your protector. How would you protect 'little you'? What would you say to your abuser? How would you comfort 'little you' and what would you tell them?

That little person is still inside your head wanting to be protected. By nursing that little version of yourself and explaining they are beautiful and perfect and these bad things will stop, you can start to have understanding and control over the past.

I had counselling many years ago and have been committed to working on myself. I have a great life...I'm happy and have been the most amazing mum to my own child.

I promise you that the way you feel is not how you will feel forever. You can be happy and you can heal from the trauma that you were dealt.

...but don't hate yourself, darling. You are the LAST person to deserve that.

You have friends here - talk to us xxxx
 
1

110101

New member
Joined
Apr 24, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Kent
Thank you so much and I’m sorry to hear that you had a rough time but it’s so amazing that you’ve been able to move on from it and create a better life for yourself xxx
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Mar 19, 2019
Messages
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Location
UK
Thank you so much and I’m sorry to hear that you had a rough time but it’s so amazing that you’ve been able to move on from it and create a better life for yourself xxx
Honestly? I have learnt to use every bad experience as a tool for life. There is so much truth in the old saying: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

The last thing you might be feeling is 'strong' right now - but you're a survivor. Despite all the odds, you're still here and looking for a better life.

That's why I know you'll be happy and you'll get through this tough patch.

If you find it hard to talk to a counsellor about your experiences, talk about yourself as if it was somebody else. Narrate everything that happened exactly but as if you were describing a friend's life, not your own. This will give the counsellor the landscape of all those hidden miseries in your mind so you can move forward in therapy.

It's very lonely being trapped in your own head. You have to let someone in. :hug:
 
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