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GP123

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Dec 16, 2019
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4
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uk
Hi,
I won't go into lengthy detail as this has been on going for probably 20 years on and off.

Currently I have 2 young children (4 and 1) and I feel well and truly broken. Every day if I get time to myself my thoughts turn to suicide. I am too scared to do it and fear what it would do to my children and husband. But at the same time every day is a struggle.

I am a doctor. I know what I should do. But once I tell someone exactly where I am at it is in my record and out there and there won't be much support for me in the work place. So I feel stuck.

I just want to express this. To write it out. Because I don't want to burden my husband with the extent of this. I feel like I am ruining the lives of my family and nowhere else to turn.
 
Foxjo

Foxjo

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Hi and welcome to the forum!
You should find it friendly and supportive here.
You are not alone in your struggles.
I am a big believer in talking therapies- can you self refer yourself?
You think you are a burden but thats just the depression talking. It makes you feel like that when in truth there is no facts to base this on.
You really need to start talking, we are all here to listen
Hugs
Fox
 
G

GP123

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Dec 16, 2019
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Hi Fox,
Thank you for replying.
There's great long waits locally (literally over 6 months!).
I had counselling when this escalated during my second pregnancy last time and found it just made things worse - the counsellor told me that I essentially needed to forget how bad my childhood was and move on which is so much easier said than done. It felt like the bravest hardest thing I did when I asked for help that time and I felt snubbed.
I've booked myself to see my own GP in a few weeks and then hopefully work up the courage to just ask for medication I just worry what that will mean for my career (and then my family).
I spend most of my working time helping people who feel like me but I can't follow my own advice. I am good at putting on a front for everyone so they don't have to worry.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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I'm so sorry to hear your struggling, I always thought doctors would support each other very well with the high stress and demanding nature of the job.

I would always suggest to anyone that you seek out the help you need regardless of it going on your work record, your health is the most important thing. We sometimes forget doctors aren't immune to mental or physical health problems.

I'd also confide in your husband, he most likely if you had a 'traditional' wedding swore an oath saying "in sickness and in health" and he would understand and support you no matter what.

It's surprising how many here have felt the same about telling thier loved ones but once they did and got more support they felt much better.

If you still can't speak to him we're always here to listen.
 
Foxjo

Foxjo

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I can understand the worry for your career. But you need to start thinking about you and what you need. You cant help other people if you cant look after yourself, if that makes sense?
As for talking therapies, depening on where you are in the UK you could contact Mind charity see if they can help you quicker. I would definately ignore what your last therapist said to you- that is not the case, your childhood is important to your mental health and should be explored and challenged. Thats the lottery you have with therapists some are good some not so good. That doesnt mean you should give up!
 
calypso

calypso

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Its so hard to get through isn't it? I would have thought that your discussion with your GP is confidential so shouldn't be known by anyone else. They don't break rules do they? As for your counsellor - what a waste of time that was! I am shocked and annoyed that they said that to you. I think proper therapists are much better and personally like the sound of psychodynamic therapy as a good start. They do delve into childhood and help you with techniques to cope with your symptoms.

But that said, we are here to listen and you don't have to listen to anything we suggest, just pour it all out. I am diagnosed bipolar and understand only too well what recurrent depression can feel like. Sometimes there is no way but time to get through it. I am on a cocktail of meds which finally supported me. But I also had therapy which was invaluable. It didn't "cure" me of course but it did help me sort out what was bipolar and what was my childhood.
 
albagobragh

albagobragh

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Hi GP123, first off you are a Doctor and a person therefore only human. Anyone can be afflicted with mental health issues and I hope you feel some respite in sharing your thoughts with us.
My advice would be to seek professional help. It could be counselling or it could be having a chat
with your own colleagues or GP. Regarding it being on your record, I've been diagnosed with a full blown chronic mental health issue and it has yet to affect me professionally. I really do hope you get the support you need. One more thing, if my wife was struggling, I'd like to know and wouldn't consider it a burden.
 
G

GP123

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No they dont break confidentiality unless (like with anything) there is a serious risk to self or others. But I have had some job forms asking about medical history that may affect work, mental health would be something hard to put down but should be.

It's funny really because depression is rife in the profession but a lot undealt with for fear of repercussions.

I had a very nice GP but have moved and now don't have the same relationship. Previously, I had admitted what I dealt but it felt safer because it was pregnant and so less stigma if that makes sense. Now I feel I have no excuse (and I know there doesn't have to be one, god knows I tell people that all the time).

I am just so terrible for being able to ask for help. And when I'm working I can ignore it and help other people and that feels so so much easier.

I think when people ask for help that it is so brave (and I tell people that all the time when they finally come to see me for help). 'Do as I say but not as I do' !!
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Mar 19, 2019
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Hi,
I won't go into lengthy detail as this has been on going for probably 20 years on and off.

Currently I have 2 young children (4 and 1) and I feel well and truly broken. Every day if I get time to myself my thoughts turn to suicide. I am too scared to do it and fear what it would do to my children and husband. But at the same time every day is a struggle.

I am a doctor. I know what I should do. But once I tell someone exactly where I am at it is in my record and out there and there won't be much support for me in the work place. So I feel stuck.

I just want to express this. To write it out. Because I don't want to burden my husband with the extent of this. I feel like I am ruining the lives of my family and nowhere else to turn.

Hi GP123,

As your youngest is only a year old, your depression could be presented as post-natal depression...having that on your records surely wouldn't be potentially damaging to your career?

You need to be able to unload and talk - particularly in a profession where the world and his wife are queuing up to tell you what's wrong with them. I hope this forum community can give you the freedom to vent anonymously. :hug:
 
albagobragh

albagobragh

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one more thing you wrote "there won't be much support for me in the work place". What makes you so sure?
 
M

Mikaev12

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Dec 17, 2019
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Location
Atlanta
Hi,
I understand how important your career is to you and I don't think you have to give it up. However, I do think it's time to take a moment to do the work. It's time to dig in your past and resolve some issues that you may have with lingering unresolved emotions stemming from. your childhood. It is okay to not be okay if that's where you are. It is okay to take time off and to look back at your past and allow healing to take place. It is okay to not want to explain yourself to people for they might not understand what you're going through. Most people with mental health issues struggle with people unable to really understanding what they're going through. Although yours may be temporary it's still as important as anyone else's. My only suggestion is to make peace with where you are currently, accept it and take your power back by making your biggest priority your healthcare.
 
T

Tea lover

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Dec 20, 2019
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Lancashire
Hi gp123. My heart goes out to you. I am a mental health practitioner currently off work with anxiety and depression. We are not immune to this and in a way with helping others alot it can put us more at risk as we subconsciously pick up on the distress of others, especially if we have our own things going on. Do not give up on talking therapies, I wonder if it was the therapeutic orientation of the practitioner? Can you source help privately if waiting lists are long?
 

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