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Do you remember when it all started?

E

Easy Rider

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I remember back when I was about 16 and it started with tension in the neck and a feeling of being sort of trapped in my own head and less extrovert and more self aware and shy than I used to be. The neck stiffness I didn't realize as stress / tension at the time because I'd never felt it before and had a shedload of x-rays as I thought I must have damaged my neck but they all showed fine - no physical reason.

It all developed from there. I try for the life of me to remember the first time I went from normal to that feeling which lasted for decades, but can not remember the first time it happened. There could be a triggering event, I was mugged at 16 by a local hooligan and then threatened by all his drug dealer mates to retract my statement from the police, was called a 'grass' and my standing in my local area went down a lot and a few times I was publicly threatened and intimidated.

I'd also been kicked out of home by my Dad at 16 but I remember being fine and doing okay by myself for ages after (months but felt like ages) even in bedsits on the dole.

But I still cannot remember the first time that feeling started and why.

Can't remember if it happened after some event or feeling or though or whether it just kicked in somehow and grew. But people who knew me said it seemed as though I'd "dropped down a bit' I was not as confident as before and began to go over thoughts (cannot remember what just that I'd get trapped in thoughts) in my head to try and get out of the feeling and it got worse when I smoked weed.

Was it smoking weed that started it? I'd done LSD too but had done both many times and never had that feeling before but once the tense neck and trapped / alienated feeling started it was certainly made worse when I smoked marijuana, so much so that I had to stop it.

I remember my first ever panic attack and why, that was after my Dad let me back home and then kicked me out again.

But I cannot remember the first time and why the introverted, turned in on self, constant tension in neck feeling started.

I don't have it anymore, I just get highs and lows and react to stress bad. I should have seen someone sooner. Took me until I was 23, 7 years after it started and saw university counsellor because I was so scared i was 'insane' and would be put in a lunatic asylum. I was so naive back then, that's what I really thought if I told anyone how I felt.

I just for some reason wish I could remember the first time and if there was a why - what the why was.
 
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E

Easy Rider

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Perhaps it was just bough on by a milieu of successive events and a lack of direction and support at a young age, being not living with my family when all my friends were and having no aim in life, just reacting to it and all exasperated by being naturally timid and shy and not as outgoing or developed as my peers from a young age. That would make sense I suppose.

Add marijuana and drug use and bingo - a concoction of events, circumstances and substance use that equals depression which when relieved by counselling, led a brain by then so re-wired by said anxiety and depression and a nervous system so depleted and worn and used to hyper arousal that instead of switching back to normal it instead coped by going hypomanic. My first insomnia and hypomanic feelings happened after the relief of sharing with the university therapist and also ssri use.

Or maybe it was something like a cancer that regardless of events would just creep in anyway, a natural disposition as I know others that had problems but could cope better than me.

I don't know, just would like to remember the first time and if there was a why. I suppose if there was I would remember it.

I won't let it get me down or obsess about it, just a natural curiosity to see if I can remember. Had tons of therapy and they usually agree it's a mixture of associations etc, not anything in isolation.
 
PerfectSurvivor

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Yeah I can remember when it all started , looking back I was under a huge amount of pressure and in the end I just broke. Never realised 5 years on would still be trying to pick up the pieces....

If we could go back we would all do things differently Easy Rider but its present that counts I suppose.....
 
Frost

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Had always been a bit of a 'moody' teenager, did a fair amount of weed, always had this feeling (which I'd suppress as soon as it popped up) that maybe there was something a little weird about me. Have had strange little tics/OCD-type things since I was little, things like 'spit on the ground, jump over it, or your mum will die'. The current iteration of this is winking my right eye repeatedly to prevent bad things from happening.

Lead up to second year finals I cracked and was awake almost solidly for about a week, at the time I thought it was great, because I was totally on fire and knew EVERYTHING. Turns out I wasn't overly great at expressing this knowledge, because my rambling answers only just scraped me a pass.

Happened again the start of the next year, had stacked way too much on my plate, and ended up locking myself in my room without sleep, making a suit of armour out of foam and cardboard and being reasonably convinced I was Rhaegar Targaryen from A Song of Ice and Fire (Game of Thrones, for the TV-inclined). Paranoia off the charts, talking loads of crap at high speed.... I remember having a moment of clarity and asking a classmate if he thought I might be bipolar, he assumed I'd just had too much coffee and was having a laugh.

Somehow I managed to pass both of these episodes off to people as 'too much caffeine', 'haven't had enough sleep lately', and similar weak excuses, but they seemed to buy it. I kind of wanted to believe my own excuses, so buried the fact I knew something wasn't right.

A few months after the armour-making incident, I spiralled relatively quickly into a huge depression, suicide attempts and self-harm happened, and finally people took notice.

It's always confused me that the entire mental health field is so much more worried about upswings than downswings. Like, my upswings are substantially less likely to kill/maim me than the depressions, and yet all the 'mood stabilisers' are essentially just anti-manics, and everyone is super-wary of giving me anything for the depressions in case it sends me skyrocketing.
I'd rather be high and do some silly stuff than, well, die.
 
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cpuusage

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i think it's combinations of things. i've read & looked at all the theories - they cross physiological, psychological, social & spiritual areas.

i think there was an accumulation of stuff with me - a bad head trauma when i was 7, moving area/home when i was 11, difficult/dysfunctional step family dynamics, a lot of arguing with close family, a good friend dying, all sorts. Age 15 i got heavily into drink/drugs, i also had a lot of very strange coincidental/synchronistic stuff with esoteric/occult areas, especially around books. Age 17 one evening i just went totally insane - & ended up sectioned shortly after - have been trying to resolve all that since.

i don't think there is a categorical answer - it defies definite definition. The answer that makes most sense was given to me by a spiritual healer 13 years ago, that did explain everything from a spiritual perspective & it makes sense.

Don't feel i've fully resolved things & wonder if it's possible to? i think far far more could be done to actually help people on practical psychological/social levels.
 
E

Easy Rider

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Have had strange little tics/OCD-type things since I was little, things like 'spit on the ground, jump over it, or your mum will die'. The current iteration of this is winking my right eye repeatedly to prevent bad things from happening.
Yeah I had tics as early as I can remember, early childhood. I didn't have the thoughts associated with them like you, but I liked walking on certain paving stones rather than others, liked spitting a lot and felt satisfied if I could get it in between the cracks in the paving, also when riding my bike if I spat on the front tyre a certain way and it would spin off of it a certain way. Also when playing football, liked saying the 'K' sound and had a friend called Kenny and liked it when he got the ball as I could say 'Kenny, go on Kick it' and all those 'K' sounds made me feel satisfied. I liked sniffing things too which my family found very embarrassing. I was also not able to show love to my Mum even because I always found it embarrassing. I could show it to my dog or friends or gf's when older but took me until I was in my late twenties to say 'I love you' to people in my family, even writing it in a card, even though I did love them.

My Father used to - looking back - punish me way too harshly as young as 3 years old, for trivial matters and I was never ever indulged, always told what to do, what was the right way or wrong way, always punished if deviated from his ideals. Never really tried to understand ,me for who I was just tried to make me match up to him and how he did and saw things. He could be explosively angry, I once remember during a very crucial time of my development, when I was 13 I was grounded for the whole school holidays and made to do gardening with no pocket money every day of those two months just for kicking a ball in my bedroom, didn't break anything, just kicked a ball. All my friends out meeting new people, girls playing etc and me stuck all by myself for the whole holidays. There are other worse things that I would never condone as a way of treating a kid, but I won't go into specifics as it might upset people, least to say it was anger issues on his part.

I was bullied through primary school and early secondary school also and was never good at socializing even at a young age, not that I never had friends, I always did, just was emotionally behind in a developmental way and less gregarious.

Yeah it's all a mix of life events and parenting of course and plain old inherited disposition I think. My grandmother had a divorce and breakdown and was never the same. My Aunt had one. My younger brother has social anxiety and temper problems.

I extrapolate from that, that it wouldn't matter too much about all the other stuff above as my natural disposition and personality would have caused problems perhaps no matter what just in other ways perhaps.

But yeah, it IS the present that matters, no point rehashing the past. I just was really curious if I could remember the first time I felt what I now know was depression, when was the first day I woke up feeling different? Was there a reason? But I cannot. I guess most likely it just came on slowly and accrued in small degrees over time and some of us have no actual event it's like a wave that started of with a small ripple and gradually built up.

That makes the most sense.

Ah well, enough of that now. Back to today...
 
Sharyhn

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My dad was the exact same, he was so strict, i would be grounded for weeks on end for small things. It was either his way or no way. I also had a lot of pressure put on me to do well at school. I think that's were i need to please others comes from. He also used to drink, i used to stay in my room a lot, because i never knew what mood he would be in. I know that's where my anxiety comes from. I was close to my grandad, who died when i was 14 and that's when it all started. I started drinking and stopped eating, had enough of my dad and his total control over me. I ran away from home.

I ended up in hospital at 14 with anorexia, used to self-harm, and drink. I had this idiot of a psychiatrist, who thought it would be a good idea to have family sessions, which included my two younger brothers, because he said it affected all of them, and so they could understand. I don't like psychiatrists to this day because of it. I will never forget that, and how bad it made me feel.
 
K

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Apparantly most MH issues are a slow burning creep upper on folks, they usually insidiously get into the psyche and things may happen and you don't really notice it, like your neck and stuff, or off bits of weired feelings and or stuff getting to you or strange illness that seems to have no cause or fit any usual disease model, for example flu, headaches, tensions, and other stuff like severe stress that culminates in thinking one has a life threatening or terminal illness.

And though the symptoms are there, and circumstances continue to hint at things not really being OK, there may never be a huge pyschosis and or breakdown, although a lot of individuals do get these big avalanches, some don't, its just a constant simmering condition that makes day to day living difficult.

Some good P.docs will say that at the root say of Bi-polar, is often a hidden, tumultuous, yet severe and raging rage and enexplored anger that has the symptoms of ~Bi-polar erupt? So it could be that it lays dormant for years if you think of a inherent rage that does not get an outlet then one could well argue that the severe depressions and the mental agitated and high highs that steryo typically serve bi-polar then it makes quite a lot of sense.

One gets depressed at the horrid feelings, then as one can no longer cope with the dastardly depressions it morphs into a high as a release from the submerged rage that has become depression. As you say your dad threw you out, that would for any person have far reaching ramifications and for you could well have triggered a lot of stuff that had lain dormant.

Katss
 

cpuusage

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Apparantly most MH issues are a slow burning creep upper on folks, they usually insidiously get into the psyche and things may happen and you don't really notice it, like your neck and stuff, or off bits of weired feelings and or stuff getting to you or strange illness that seems to have no cause or fit any usual disease model, for example flu, headaches, tensions, and other stuff like severe stress that culminates in thinking one has a life threatening or terminal illness.

And though the symptoms are there, and circumstances continue to hint at things not really being OK, there may never be a huge pyschosis and or breakdown, although a lot of individuals do get these big avalanches, some don't, its just a constant simmering condition that makes day to day living difficult.

Some good P.docs will say that at the root say of Bi-polar, is often a hidden, tumultuous, yet severe and raging rage and enexplored anger that has the symptoms of ~Bi-polar erupt? So it could be that it lays dormant for years if you think of a inherent rage that does not get an outlet then one could well argue that the severe depressions and the mental agitated and high highs that steryo typically serve bi-polar then it makes quite a lot of sense.

One gets depressed at the horrid feelings, then as one can no longer cope with the dastardly depressions it morphs into a high as a release from the submerged rage that has become depression. As you say your dad threw you out, that would for any person have far reaching ramifications and for you could well have triggered a lot of stuff that had lain dormant.

Katss
So it's primarily an emotional/psychological condition?

That seems to equate to it being a disorder with the brain that has been caused by genetics & is best treated with drugs.

i don't quite understand the logic, but no one will explain it to me.
 
coldwater00

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I remember feeling unhappy as a child but not being able to place the feeling. Got a lot of bad nightmares, strange experiences that frightened me, and I was becoming increasingly anxious and obsessive. Throughout my childhood I was bullied and the circumstances at home were far from ideal. A lot of drinking and arguing amongst adults.

At 13, I realised something was definitely "different", I didn't fit in and I hated myself. I stopped eating as a subconscious attempt to kill myself, but was shocked into it again after being threatened with being locked away at 15 and force fed.

By 15 I still hadn't properly twigged I was depressed, but I started to hear voices which stressed me out and made me more anxious, and then paranoid. I was also having quite violent mood swings and was asked to leave school. At 18 I was severely depressed, had dropped out of 2 colleges, and was suicidal and ruminating over killing myself all the time. Severely lacking in energy and moping around the house all day crying. I went to the GP and got referred to some "help" that didn't help. Ended up in psych hospital for 6 weeks, discharged with no follow up and back to square 1.

19, the voices had multiplied with a vengeance and I made several serious suicide attempts and was hospitalised for treatment for that. Then I was transferred to my local psychiatric unit again and stayed there for just over a year. I believe being over medicated made me worse.

After withdrawing from the medications the mood swings returned and I do still hear voices. I get wound up and easily overwhelmed. Tolerance to stress is very bad, always has been really.
 
coldwater00

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So it's primarily an emotional/psychological condition?

That seems to equate to it being a disorder with the brain that has been caused by genetics & is best treated with drugs.

i don't quite understand the logic, but no one will explain it to me.
I feel that emotions are part of a wider picture, or a wider struggle. We have brains and thoughts, and therefore emotions, but we also have a soul and an inner life that we might not know of. I don't want to sound glib or anything - I'm far from an expert, but I am a human and I feel there is something else beyond what we experience through emotions. I guess me saying that just reminded me of this -

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day."

2 Corinthians 4:16
 
K

Katss

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So it's primarily an emotional/psychological condition?

That seems to equate to it being a disorder with the brain that has been caused by genetics & is best treated with drugs.

i don't quite understand the logic, but no one will explain it to me.
Am not sure there is a cut and dried logic and or total sure fire explanation CPU, there just isn't an exact science to mental health issues and or matters pertaining to the much argued concept of mental illness?

And what it exactly is? For me even when very young never liked the things that people seemed to like, I never got why we are even born, why people got excited about weddings, babies, stuff? The stuff people did and talked about was just meaningless noise. I could read and that was my outlet.

Later on Jobs were simply to eat and pay bills, a means to an end, I usually never lasted long due to the deadpan attitude and unwillingness to network unless it was purely for me, I refused to do sychophantic. Education was a pile of tosh, dominated by upper class white men. I tried to do all the stuff people did and smile along but all the time it was a more than a chore, I learned how to do the seemingly necessary 'small talk', make the right expressions and do 'normal stuff'.

Then came the party era and that could do easily, here was an arena where you were judged on oufits and ability to flit about clulbs not really speaking just looking a certain way. Plus there were mirrors everywhere (odd).

Much as we would all like one, a total explanation is not there? who knows if its emotional stuff that culminates, or is it a genetically hardwired set of genes that are not too healthy or well formed, and so get to tip one over the edge? Could well be either or, and probably in most cases, one could argue probably a combination of both?

I don't think anyone has the complete explanations or answers, you only have to talk to the supposed experts AKA the pyschiatritsts to know that.

katss
 
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rasselas.redux

rasselas.redux

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At the moment of conception between a sociopathic father and a borderline mother.

and then back some way, some long long way.
 
green423

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Should I be doing that? Me to myself "Why the hell not?!" ... and began my first Manic Episode
 
Mark_01

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I was born a troubled soul and nothing has really changed that much.
 

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