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Do you need space from those who hurt you to heal?

L

lilacmoon

New member
Joined
Aug 17, 2021
Messages
2
Location
UK
I am 22 with ASD and BPD. The best way to describe my childhood is "dysfunctional". My brother and I played sports, we had family holidays, we were asked about our day at school every night. But there was also times of domestic violence, physical fights and "sibling abuse" as described (my brother 'abusing' me - But I find it hard to word like that, as he is also ASD and was also hurt by my father).

Do you need space from those who hurt you to heal?

Despite us now being adults (my brother, 26) and our parents split, it is hard to be around my family. My brother being around me sometimes just puts me in a terrible, flighty and fighty mood. My dad makes me uncomfortable as he can still be mean. My mum is my rock but she still favours my brother and it hurts me so much. If I just even hear that my brother and dad had an argument I will have nightmares, not be able to sleep, etc.

I am almost a month into not talking to them all (again) and only seeing my grandparent who also makes me feel bad for missing the family meals during this time. I'm not happy. Things are up and down and rough BUT I feel free from my family. But it is making me realise, my only goal is to get away from all these people, from this city, to run from all the hurt and pain. Yet I am in no position to do this, but I think this is what I need to do.

I think I need therapy to heal from my family. I want to be able to get on with them. I miss hanging out with my mum, having banter with my brother and takeaway nights with my dad. But I'm just SO hurt and I don't know how to heal and 4 years worth of "mental health services" show that they don't care - I've never ever been offered any kind of therapy.

So yeah, I guess this is a question with a bit of context on my situation.

Is it possible to heal these wounds and repair these bridges? Can they be part of the process? Do I need to spend more time away?
 
jajingna

jajingna

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 31, 2020
Messages
8,218
Location
Canada
Hi, welcome to the forum. I think it's good to get away from people who bring you pain. It's hard cause they're your family too. But you need to do what's best for you, as they say. Whatever amount of contact you feel comfortable with, but put yourself first I'd suggest. You've gotta live with you for many years to come. Hopefully you can heal. Some of us older people have really old emotional wounds from unhappy childhoods. They can stay with you as long as you live. But maybe you can gradually heal.
 
M

Mandyc

New member
Joined
Aug 29, 2021
Messages
2
Location
United States/ California
Don’t forget that even though that’s fhe family you were born into, there’s also the family that you will create which is much more important. I’d focus on my future family healing and take my distance from the current one. You should be 100% honest with them and eventually they will understand it but your actions must match your words. Much love for you, you deserve a good lofe!
 

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