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Do you ever feel shame?

jajingna

jajingna

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I may have asked this sort of question before on this forum. Shame is not a topic I can recall ever discussing with anybody. Sometimes a feeling that I might call shame arises in me, and I wonder what it is all about. Why is it there, where does it come from, what does it mean? It feels deeply personal, and seems buried beneath the surface. But occasionally it comes into awareness, and has a strange physical presence too. It must be telling me something but I don't what.
 
B

Bod

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I use to really feel very bad shame of my self of how I let my self be abused, but now I do not feel ashamed at all as I was a victim most of my life.
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

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I may have asked this sort of question before on this forum. Shame is not a topic I can recall ever discussing with anybody. Sometimes a feeling that I might call shame arises in me, and I wonder what it is all about. Why is it there, where does it come from, what does it mean? It feels deeply personal, and seems buried beneath the surface. But occasionally it comes into awareness, and has a strange physical presence too. It must be telling me something but I don't what.
Yes to the question and it feels deeply personal and buried.
 
P

paws4thought

formerly Anxietyhell
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Aug 14, 2021
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Yes I have experienced that.. Its another one of those very personal feelings.. Shame for maybe what we have done or didn't do etc, it comes in various forms and for various different reasons
 
lucasso

lucasso

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I feel shame still which comes over me from deep down due to things I did when I was at my lowest and desperate.

Also, the first time I felt real shame was different, it was the awful shame of what my abusers had actually been doing for decades with everyone blind to it. I was traumatized at the time and the shame 'felt like being covered in treacle' I can't relate to it now but I remember having physical sensations which went along with the shame.
 
TooMuchPain

TooMuchPain

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I had to google what shame was. I feel shame every moment of every day. I feel constantly judged by those around me as unacceptable and unworthy. Its a huge part of the reason why I don’t want to be around people anymore.
 
P

paws4thought

formerly Anxietyhell
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Lucasso, no one should ever have to experience abuse in any form... I think whether it's physical or / and emotional it deeply affects a person.. When we are young we trust in those around and closest, unfortunately we are vulnerable / dependent... We become victims of other peoples issues and wrong doings, even think and believe its our fault and maybe we deserve it.. Which of course we do not, its the perpetrators that are seriously in the wrong...I think somehow we bury it, maybe even think it is normal.. Until we realise it isn't right, normal or fair etc... Its a cruel and unkind situation to experience and be in.... I have felt Shame for wanting to be loved, and never feeling good enough.... Abuse is cruel, and maybe those that inflict it have a conscience somewhere.. They have to live with that, and you are the better person.. You are strong and the strong survive
 
lucasso

lucasso

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Lucasso, no one should ever have to experience abuse in any form... I think whether it's physical or / and emotional it deeply affects a person.. When we are young we trust in those around and closest, unfortunately we are vulnerable / dependent... We become victims of other peoples issues and wrong doings, even think and believe its our fault and maybe we deserve it.. Which of course we do not, its the perpetrators that are seriously in the wrong...I think somehow we bury it, maybe even think it is normal.. Until we realise it isn't right, normal or fair etc... Its a cruel and unkind situation to experience and be in.... I have felt Shame for wanting to be loved, and never feeling good enough.... Abuse is cruel, and maybe those that inflict it have a conscience somewhere.. They have to live with that, and you are the better person.. You are strong and the strong survive

Hiya and so well said. When I was going through my recovery I was surprised to feel shame. It was the abusers shame and I felt coated in it from head to toe. Thankfully this period passed and I have processed it. I used to want closure with my abusers and some form of recognition and justice. Nowadays I realise I survived something few experience (a dissociative fugue) and I want to try and help others in any small ways I can. Helping others is the gift surviving brings so in the end shame transforms into something worthwhile and rewarding. I lost my old set of friends and I still feel shame in that but doing something positive nowadays makes up for it step by step.
 
jajingna

jajingna

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I'm surprised by this feeling today, it's not often it happens. It's like it is at the core of experience in a way, something that is guiding my behavior at times. Could be part of my social anxiety. Sort of mixed with fear. In another sense I don't really know why it's there. Almost like it doesn't belong to me though it is quite personal. Maybe it was mostly learned in younger years in the family. Probably both my parents felt a lot of shame themselves. And maybe they managed to inadvertently pass it on to the kids. It feels elusive, like hard to be in direct contact with an awkward feeling, but it isn't scary either, just a bit uncomfortable.

I don't feel like I've done much wrong in my life, nothing serious anyway, mostly minor stuff. This shame feeling has a strange presence anyway. Probably it goes far back into the past beyond things I can even properly remember. Seems like just about everything has its roots way back decades ago in those childhood/teenage years.
 
P

paws4thought

formerly Anxietyhell
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Lucasso, we take on the belief we must be in the wrong... We should be able to trust and respect those around us, and we think the way they behave is normal and right... You felt Shame because they made you feel ashamed by what they did, but it was their shame and theirs alone.. Most normal thing in the world is to want justice and maybe even revenge... But I truly believe people live with their demons.... Its great that you want to help others, and you are best person to do that.. You are helping others but in ways yourself too, so that's a healing process... Its sad to lose friends sometimes, but maybe one day you will reconnect.. If not you make new ones, and new beginnings
 
lucasso

lucasso

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Lucasso, we take on the belief we must be in the wrong... We should be able to trust and respect those around us, and we think the way they behave is normal and right... You felt Shame because they made you feel ashamed by what they did, but it was their shame and theirs alone.. Most normal thing in the world is to want justice and maybe even revenge... But I truly believe people live with their demons.... Its great that you want to help others, and you are best person to do that.. You are helping others but in ways yourself too, so that's a healing process... Its sad to lose friends sometimes, but maybe one day you will reconnect.. If not you make new ones, and new beginnings

Thank you for sharing your warm and supportive wisdom. You are an angel :) They certainly did try to put all the blame and shame on me and one still does. At the end of the day that's their bag. I enjoy being in a position to help ours, I don't always succeed but I try my best for others too.
 
P

paws4thought

formerly Anxietyhell
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I wish I was an angel, I am sure they must have a great time dressed in white and with wings 😊.. There is always someone that wants to blame and distract from themselves, its their avoidance and refusal to acknowledge their issues and guilt.. As you say its their " bag" to dip Into... You many not always succeed in helping others, but you try and that's a very generous act.
 
Q

QuietNoise

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Yes, for the stupid lie I told my ex. I also feel he has or is blowing this so far out of proportion. Basically, I wanted to know what was going on and because it felt to me he was hiding something, I made something up and this is part of my why I am so depressed. I don't just love him, love his whole family. Maybe because my grandmother used me as her own personal whipping post and my mother's other sisters just treated us like trash. I just wanted and still want to know if what being loved feels so like.
 
losingme1989

losingme1989

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Yep, every day of my life, about all different stuff... 😑
 
T E_90

T E_90

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It's difficult, but yes, on occasions it can happen that I embarrass myself, but always for my own mistakes.
If someone tries to embarrass me, my feeling is not shame but deep anger, and my reaction will be to try to embarass them instead.
 
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