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Do you ever feel like you're grieving for a life you never had?

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Pffft

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 23, 2012
Messages
1,059
Recently I have realised that mental health has always been an issue in my life and it seems to have been a problem since I was 15, possibly earlier. I look back and feel so embarrassed, weak, pathetic and angry. Angry that no one bothered to help. I now realise it was anxiety that I first struggled with but at the time I didn't know what it was. Although I know now it feels like it's too late. This was over a decade ago and I'm even worse than I was back then.

For the first time I actually feel really jealous of people that have been nasty to me and are successful in their careers. I even would go as far to say that I hope they fail. I feel awful for feeling this way because I always try to see the best in people. I feel bad for feeling this way but when I look back it's like an endless stream of negatives that filled my life.

I just wish I had a life before my mental health got in the way of it and the worst part about it is that I don't think my mental health is ever going to get better.
 
lonelyclove

lonelyclove

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 9, 2020
Messages
197
Location
south europe
i find myself wishing bad on many people many times.. and i know its not me.i have a good nature. but it feels so unfair even really jealous at how other peoplle got go experience loving supporting families who privided a healthy chidlhood. ( most of.them.didnt even deserve it!!!) i get so jealous of that becauss thats the foundation for a functional adult life alaways.
 
K

khuang

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 26, 2014
Messages
504
Location
Avenue Q in the US
I do when it comes to high school and my life up until I was 26. Bullying ruined my school life to the point I didn’t want to take part in any activities or have friends because I didn’t know who I could trust. I was just struggling to stay alive and make it through another miserable day which was exhausting. Then I was verbally and mentally abused to the point I felt like I had to please everyone around me and that if I didn’t then they would not like me. I was afraid to bemyself for so long because I was being told everything about m3was wrong and had to change.
 
A

amn16357

New member
Joined
Jan 14, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Texas
i find myself wishing bad on many people many times.. and i know its not me.i have a good nature. but it feels so unfair even really jealous at how other peoplle got go experience loving supporting families who privided a healthy chidlhood. ( most of.them.didnt even deserve it!!!) i get so jealous of that becauss thats the foundation for a functional adult life alaways.
I work in a pediatric facility and often care for little ones experiencing a trauma of sort. Over the years I've seen what having a close and supportive family does for our mental well-being and what can happen when that support is missing. I won't say it's THE factor in whether we become confident successful adults or not, but being able to relate to kiddos that are alone, I'm starting to see a pattern and I feel so bad for them as they get older. I came from a broken and abusive childhood (physical and emotional) with a dad dealing with ptsd and a very codependent mother. I believed I was going places when I graduated high school and it wasn't a year later I started to experience these episodes of feeling I did not have what it took to survive the big world.

I don't think any of us "like" our family growing up sometimes but the underlying sense of loving them I believed was there. My siblings were very materialistic and rude as children/teenagers and I couldn't understand why since I wasn't and came from the same home. As adults now, I would drop everything if my brother and sister needed help. But when I'm the one needing it, they are nowhere to be found. I don't know how much of that is on them for being what they are or on me for believing that it's my duty to help them and not doing so makes me an awful person. It's harbored a lot of jealousy and anger towards them, my parents, and hating myself most of all for not walking away from all this a long time ago and starting new before I got so far down the wrong path.

I'm a single mom to one teenage boy and one of my biggest fears is that I am raising him to end up just like me and it's killing me. I chose not to have more kids and him have siblings because of how awful mine were and are to me. I don't want him, or any of my potential other children, to feel like their family failed them.

So in a nutshell I get exactly what you are saying.
 
A

aisha23

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 29, 2019
Messages
395
Location
UK
I wish I had more of a childhood.

I feel awkward these days doing childhood things (playing on the swings at the park, making cat/ dog sounds, playing with bubbles) people look at me strangely

but I have never had those experiences. that's the saddest thing for me, knowing I missed out on a childhood
 
J

Jimh

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 10, 2019
Messages
77
Location
Bridgend
i wish i had been able to lead a more normal life and before anyone says "well what IS a normal life" i can safely say it is definitely NOT how mine went lol. i do think the chaos a life of mental health issues tends to make people more interesting but it comes at the cost of just being happy and content which is really what i think everyone wants.
 
PlasticPilot

PlasticPilot

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 14, 2020
Messages
101
Location
Lowestoft
It is easy to get jealous of others that you see who are carving out successful careers while you are stuck at "GroundZero", i used to wonder why i have mental illness and resented others that did not have problems but now i have accepted it and try to make the most of each day.
 
OrphanBlack

OrphanBlack

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 16, 2019
Messages
110
Location
UK
This is an interesting one. I always used to read interviews where people who had had tough lives would say "I wouldn't change a thing" and think"Hmmm, I call bulls**t" on that. There's a million things I would change (being diagnosed with autism when I was a child instead of having to wait until I was in my late 20s would have been a f**cking start - not that I'm bitter or anything).

If you believe in Hugh Everett's many worlds interpretation, then in theory there's a world out there somewhere in which I'm doing really well. That's kind of comforting - good on me in that world. As for this one....it is what is, not much point in griping about it. We all have the option to take or it or leave at the end of the day
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
12,622
Location
Tigger and Willow's house UK
The wish I have is that I was able to follow the carreer path I wanted to follow (working in a vet practice, with the animals) but that was never going to happen, due to lack of jobs :(

Oh and that I had been disagnosed with my mental health problems/learning difficulties sooner, like when i was a kid, then i would of got the help i needed before it was too late :(
 
P

Professionalhypochondriac

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 14, 2020
Messages
53
Location
United Kingdom
Recently I have realised that mental health has always been an issue in my life and it seems to have been a problem since I was 15, possibly earlier. I look back and feel so embarrassed, weak, pathetic and angry. Angry that no one bothered to help. I now realise it was anxiety that I first struggled with but at the time I didn't know what it was. Although I know now it feels like it's too late. This was over a decade ago and I'm even worse than I was back then.

For the first time I actually feel really jealous of people that have been nasty to me and are successful in their careers. I even would go as far to say that I hope they fail. I feel awful for feeling this way because I always try to see the best in people. I feel bad for feeling this way but when I look back it's like an endless stream of negatives that filled my life.

I just wish I had a life before my mental health got in the way of it and the worst part about it is that I don't think my mental health is ever going to get better.
I think it’s normal to feel jealous of other people that appear to be living more comfortable better lives but the truth is none of us know what people are going threw when they appear fine on the outside.
I often feel jealous that people can just go about their daily lives anxiety and worry free.
 
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