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Do They Care

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Murasakibee

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Joined
Aug 25, 2020
Messages
239
Location
Midwest USA
*TW*
When I was growing up, I saw my family as perfect, especially my mother. I loved them, I still love them. Then I became a teenager and worldview started to crumble.
The older I get the more I have been having mixed opinions on them. I guess it began when I was an angry, depressed 13 year old. I thought they all could care less if I died, the attention was (rightfully) directed to my nephew who had just gotten out of foster care and was severely abused. They nursed him back to health but I was selfish and angry, but I didn't want him to suffer more than he already had so I resorted to self harm. I joined an unhealthy group online, I was never allowed to leave the house and I was homeschooled so I didn't meet people in person that were unhealthy but I think it made me more depressed to be socially isolated.
I didn't keep my self harm hidden, i guess I hoped to be caught but only a handful of times has it been brought up. Awhile after I stopped my mom made a self-harm joke but then joked at my scars and said.
"Well we are all pretty clumsy. It's not like you'd ever do that."
My oldest sister has said things similar.
The time I was the most pressed was by my mtf sister who lives further away. She once about my self-harm and I said the dog got me and she looked back dead in the eyes and said.
"Do you really think I'm that stupid."
No, I didn't. I just thought she hadn't cared. But then she never brought up again and probably just not to upset me but it still makes me wonder why she never pressed further.
I think they all cared, in some way, but they didn't want to deal with such a negative topic especially since all of them have very mean views on those who self-harm, one of the reasons I haven't straight up said I use to self-harm but I also put no effort into hiding it. Partly put of defiance because of my mom negative views on those who are former self-harmers she thinks they should always cover up there scars otherwise they are attention seekers.
Maybe I am? I don't know.
But I really hate how they never addressed it but they can address other things like, when I complain about like work or friends they are like "You don't have to be such a bitch" even though they are complain about others way more than me (probably because I have always been shamed for it)
And I am shamed for feeling angry or sad. Like I shouldn't feel the things or I am a total bitch which is what lead to the self-harm in the first place because I was never allowed to say
"I'm angry" or toss things around and vent without feeling bad. I mean it was also because I didn't want to upset the little boy either
Maybe I am just making up excuses and feeling sorry for myself but hey, at least I haven't done any form of self harm since July of 2016 and without any help at all because the fourm I was on everyone either didn't like me or ignored me and my mom also wouldn't take me to therapy....but maybe all that is just my perception on things I mean I was a socially awkward angry teenager I just wish my family seemed more supportive, they seem like a bunch of jerks to me now but I love them.
 
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Waverunner

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Joined
Feb 1, 2015
Messages
2,180
It can be a frightening thing for people. They don’t know how to deal with it so they don’t ask because they are scared. Generally, people aren’t equipped to deal with intense emotions so they avoid it. It doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care, they are Scared of making things worse. It’s a shame really as opening that door can really help.
 
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Murasakibee

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 25, 2020
Messages
239
Location
Midwest USA
It can be a frightening thing for people. They don’t know how to deal with it so they don’t ask because they are scared. Generally, people aren’t equipped to deal with intense emotions so they avoid it. It doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care, they are Scared of making things worse. It’s a shame really as opening that door can really help.
Yeah that's what I figure is up with them and I just really hate the reactions they have to my emotions but maybe it's because they are afraid of things getting out of control if I express those emotions
 
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Prycejosh1987

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Joined
Jul 7, 2020
Messages
620
Location
UK
It sounds like the help you seek is help you might have to pursue alone. Do not do things for other people but for yourself. You matter, and suicide is never the way out. Why commit suicide when you can make your life better and do whatever you want. Just love you and appreciate yourself. Always.
 
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Murasakibee

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 25, 2020
Messages
239
Location
Midwest USA
It sounds like the help you seek is help you might have to pursue alone. Do not do things for other people but for yourself. You matter, and suicide is never the way out. Why commit suicide when you can make your life better and do whatever you want. Just love you and appreciate yourself. Always.
I currently I have no intentions on ending my life, I have a little boy to take care.of and I have a lot of plans for the future but sometimes especially on bad days it's still something on my mind. Days for me are exhausting but I carry on, I wish the people around me gave me a bit of a break and allowed me to Express myself without guilt, I know that's on them not me.
I have never told anyone in person that I use to self harm or about suicidal thought, I have mentioned depression to my doctor but I'm beginning to think that I should once I'm actually able to see the doctor again.
My mom never liked the fact that I started seeing doctors in the first place, she is very paranoid about them about reasons I'm not sure is my right to explain but I know my health is more important than her paranoia and I am also hoping that she'll see that getting help isn't a bad thing because her health and mental health is important too.

But she's never listened to me so I'm not sure I could ever convince her especially not with something that's she so paranoid about
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

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May 25, 2020
Messages
3,890
Location
England
Murasakibee, I am so sorry for all you have been through. I know what it is like to have our pain ignored by family. It really hurts. To have not hurt yourself since 2016 is truly amazing. You must have worked so hard to resist. You should be really proud of yourself.

I am so pleased you are going to talk to your doctor. You are in control of your health and it is not up to your mum to say if you should see a doctor or not. You need to put your health first.
 
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Murasakibee

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 25, 2020
Messages
239
Location
Midwest USA
Murasakibee, I am so sorry for all you have been through. I know what it is like to have our pain ignored by family. It really hurts. To have not hurt yourself since 2016 is truly amazing. You must have worked so hard to resist. You should be really proud of yourself.

I am so pleased you are going to talk to your doctor. You are in control of your health and it is not up to your mum to say if you should see a doctor or not. You need to put your health first.
Thanks I'm really trying to improve and take good care of my health that way I am not physically and mentally as ill as my family and I still hope everyone also tries to get help.

Some days and years it was harder to resist than others and I'm really surprised I haven't relapsed, that's a good thing I suppose. I shouldn't have ever done so in the first place, now I have a lot of shameful reminders of my angry teenage years.
 
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