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Do these sound like characteristics typical of Quiet BPD?

jacquelinx

jacquelinx

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Oct 23, 2020
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Delaware
To preface: I have been diagnosed with PTSD in the past due to s*xual abuse from one person and emotional abuse from my mother who had BPD.

I just ask this because I feel like my mood isn’t consistent in the way that it should be. I might feel miserable at some point and then listen to classical music and feel euphoric by it, way too happy. Euphoria to me feels like an adrenaline rush. And then when I get tired of dancing around or daydreaming, wind down and feel sad or whatever I’ve going to feel again. Work isn’t particularly fun because I feel like I need to be the best and do the best I can so that they value me as a worker, and if I feel the slightest bit of resentment or get any sort of complaint, I’ll berate myself and tell myself I need to do better and start to detach instead. Alternatively, if someone compliments me, I feel much better and then a lot happier. I tell myself that even if I’m tired “you can’t afford to slow down, you need to keep going”. I don’t feel like I have any solid grip on my identity, or at least in how I present myself, because there are several aesthetics/ways of presenting myself I want to have.

When I’m in a relationship, I usually alter slightly to complement and suit the person. I’m terrified of true commitment and getting too close to anyone, because that’s vulnerability and “trapping”, etc.

I struggle and alternate between a few personalities or moods, which can best be described as 1) “may an older man love me (but purely). I grew up too fast and want to be protected, I want to be a child again“, 2) “cynical, feeling slightly out of place, or jaded, old. Dressing in black and knowing that I’m probably intimidating, feeling unattractive and/or like a freak“, 3) “whimsical, happy, almost euphoric, feeling like a child“, 4) “collected, philosophical, wanting to learn lots of things and feeling inspired, wanting to become talented and learn many skills“, 5) “boyish, mischievous, dramatic, trying to get a laugh from others“, 6) “simply wanting to go back to the psych ward“, 7) dressing in way that is a little out there and “not caring about what other people think”, but also please notice me. Don’t harass me, but maybe compliment me”, 8) “wanting to run away, start again, reset my appearance and how I present myself“

I can be happy and feeling good throughout some points in the day, but usually I ended up in bed at some point crying. Etc. I get bored and tired with myself a lot of the time and it sucks having to deal with myself. I have pretty bad vision, but I appreciate it somewhat because it makes things feel “less there” and more like a blur”, and then that makes it easier to skip into my thoughts and daydream. I used to imagine my favorite person with me and chatting when I’d be roughing it, which was pretty helpful. We broke up and I thought I’d be able to move on and forget him, but I wasn’t even able to do that with the last.

In terms of anger, I can be very passive-aggressive. Not harsh enough to where the person might want to attack me back, but discreetly cold and distant enough to help them realize that perhaps I’m a little pissed. Or if I feel I truly can’t express myself without repercussion, smile and laugh although my voice shows that I’m angry.
 
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bpd2020

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Hello Jacqueline. I have quiet bpd. I never feel euphoria. Listening to music or anything similar does not give me any lift. I also do not have the symptoms you describe.
 
EarthChild

EarthChild

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Sep 12, 2020
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Cape Town South Africa
I get mood swings too. From euphoric and dancing, to depression and self harming. Sometimes even both at same time (mixed mood). But unfortunately the high moods I get much less than depression

Lately I've been doing well - got correct balance of meds for my schizoaffective symptoms and this helps with my bpd symptoms as well.

Still can get angry easily though. And irritable. But going through better times now 😊
 
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