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Do I tell my husband?

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Lillyanne35

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Joined
Jan 13, 2020
Messages
4
Location
UK
Hi, I am new to this site and this is the first time I have posted. I am 35, mum to 2 children, work full time and I am doing a degree. To everyone else, it appears that I cope fine. I keep my suffering hidden from everyone else, even my husband, despite the fact that we have been married for 3 years.

When I was in my late teens and 20’s, I went from one toxic relationship to another. I was also promiscuous and my spending habits got me into debt. I always felt lost and had no sense of purpose. I suffered from crippling anxiety. I went to my dr, who referred me to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with BPD.

Fast forward 8 years, I am now happily married with 2 children. I am 100% faithful to my husband and paying off my debts. I take citalopram for my anxiety which takes the edge off my anxiety enough for me to be able to go to work and function as normal. I have also done a course of CBT which somewhat helped with my anxiety.

However, the anxiety is still there to a certain extent and I still have feelings of depression which I keep hidden well. As far as my husband knows, I have anxiety and I take citalopram to take the edge off. The most crippling symptom for me is the constant self-doubt, I especially struggle with this in work. My husband is completely oblivious to the fact that some days are a really struggle for me. I often lie to him and tell him that I’ve had a good day when he comes home from work. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m being deceptive by keeping my diagnosis from him. I’m worried that if he does know of my diagnosis, he will change the way he acts towards me. Is there any point in telling him or anyone else close to me? Anyone else kept their diagnosis hidden from those close of them?
 
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PsychoPrince

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Joined
Apr 22, 2019
Messages
163
Location
Indy
Hi, I am new to this site and this is the first time I have posted. I am 35, mum to 2 children, work full time and I am doing a degree. To everyone else, it appears that I cope fine. I keep my suffering hidden from everyone else, even my husband, despite the fact that we have been married for 3 years.

When I was in my late teens and 20’s, I went from one toxic relationship to another. I was also promiscuous and my spending habits got me into debt. I always felt lost and had no sense of purpose. I suffered from crippling anxiety. I went to my dr, who referred me to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with BPD.

Fast forward 8 years, I am now happily married with 2 children. I am 100% faithful to my husband and paying off my debts. I take citalopram for my anxiety which takes the edge off my anxiety enough for me to be able to go to work and function as normal. I have also done a course of CBT which somewhat helped with my anxiety.

However, the anxiety is still there to a certain extent and I still have feelings of depression which I keep hidden well. As far as my husband knows, I have anxiety and I take citalopram to take the edge off. The most crippling symptom for me is the constant self-doubt, I especially struggle with this in work. My husband is completely oblivious to the fact that some days are a really struggle for me. I often lie to him and tell him that I’ve had a good day when he comes home from work. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m being deceptive by keeping my diagnosis from him. I’m worried that if he does know of my diagnosis, he will change the way he acts towards me. Is there any point in telling him or anyone else close to me? Anyone else kept their diagnosis hidden from those close of them?
I don't think you are being deceptive, just private. I really think this comes down to personal choice. It seems what you're doing is working just fine, but maybe deep down you find yourself wanting to tell him?
 
SwanLake

SwanLake

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,169
Hi, I am new to this site and this is the first time I have posted. I am 35, mum to 2 children, work full time and I am doing a degree. To everyone else, it appears that I cope fine. I keep my suffering hidden from everyone else, even my husband, despite the fact that we have been married for 3 years.

When I was in my late teens and 20’s, I went from one toxic relationship to another. I was also promiscuous and my spending habits got me into debt. I always felt lost and had no sense of purpose. I suffered from crippling anxiety. I went to my dr, who referred me to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with BPD.

Fast forward 8 years, I am now happily married with 2 children. I am 100% faithful to my husband and paying off my debts. I take citalopram for my anxiety which takes the edge off my anxiety enough for me to be able to go to work and function as normal. I have also done a course of CBT which somewhat helped with my anxiety.

However, the anxiety is still there to a certain extent and I still have feelings of depression which I keep hidden well. As far as my husband knows, I have anxiety and I take citalopram to take the edge off. The most crippling symptom for me is the constant self-doubt, I especially struggle with this in work. My husband is completely oblivious to the fact that some days are a really struggle for me. I often lie to him and tell him that I’ve had a good day when he comes home from work. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m being deceptive by keeping my diagnosis from him. I’m worried that if he does know of my diagnosis, he will change the way he acts towards me. Is there any point in telling him or anyone else close to me? Anyone else kept their diagnosis hidden from those close of them?
Imo you must tell your husband how you are feeling and the pain you are suffering. I believe you will feel an enormous sense of relief if you do. I’d also think some self help will assist you, personally I’d recommend Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness by Gillian Butler.
 
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Lillyanne35

New member
Joined
Jan 13, 2020
Messages
4
Location
UK
Thanks for your replies. I guess in some ways I do want to tell him but in other ways, I don’t. I feel that I should tell him because in a way, I feel like he does not know me properly and I do not want any secrets between us. However, I do not want him to pity me or treat me any differently.
 
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Nukelavee

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Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
1,850
Location
London, ON
Don't make the mistake of thinking he isn't already aware of some of this, on some level at least.

Don't let teh anxiety make you feel alienated. It's not wrong to need to be treated a bit differntly than others.
 
SwanLake

SwanLake

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,169
Thanks for your replies. I guess in some ways I do want to tell him but in other ways, I don’t. I feel that I should tell him because in a way, I feel like he does not know me properly and I do not want any secrets between us. However, I do not want him to pity me or treat me any differently.
You are suffering from an illness, it’s not a weakness. You cannot judge what his reaction will be unless you tell him. If you cannot be honest and open with those closest to you I assure you your battle for recovery will be so much harder, virtually impossible I would say. However it is solely your choice and I wish you luck in whatever you decide is best for you.
 
Zackthemaniac

Zackthemaniac

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Joined
Oct 16, 2019
Messages
1,199
Location
North Carolina
You choose him as your partner in life imho i think he should be aware of what youre going through and should have your trust. He there to support you. Let him. He loves you. He deserves the truth.
 
G

Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
2,050
Binge spending. Binge eating. Binge drinking. Binge sex. All familiar practises of bpd, along with a total utter disregard for personal safety and consequence.
 
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Girl interupted

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Nov 17, 2018
Messages
2,050
Also the duality of the face you show the public and the ‘real” you is common. Theres an inescapable feeling that if show your true self, people will flee and it feeds into abandonment issues.

bottling it up works short term. Inevitably it will leak out. Find a therapist that doesn’t make you edit yourself, and work hard and honestly on your recovery. Because it is possible.
 
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Lillyanne35

New member
Joined
Jan 13, 2020
Messages
4
Location
UK
Thank you all for your replies. I think another thing stopping me from telling him is the reaction I got from my ex-partner when I told him. If we ever argued, he would use my diagnosis against me and told me that I was being irrational because of my ‘disorder’. I think that sometimes, I did overreact but most of the time, I had a perfectly legit reason for being upset as he was cheating on me and inviting women to the house when I was at work and I was supporting him financially when he lost his job and he was too lazy to find another one.

However, my husband now is a very sweet person and a good husband. We have our arguments but it’s just over petty things really. He’s very understanding when it comes to my anxiety, he will do things to try to alleviate my anxiety and listens to me without judgement. I do actually think he’s completely oblivious about the BPD though, as I have learnt to internalise almost everything. He has also told me that it’s nice to have a ‘normal’ partner as his ex was so crazy.

Another thing that has put me off telling him is that under the DSM criteria, I no longer present enough of the symptoms to have a diagnosis of BPD. I used to have impulsive behaviour, like I was promiscuous, I spent a lot of money and got myself into debt. I used to drink a lot too. I am no longer promiscuous, I am happy with my husband and would never cheat. I am now quite careful with money and paying off my debts. Also, I do not drink hardly ever any more - I probably have 1 glass of wine a month and that’s all. I used to be a very angry person too, but not anymore. I am actually the opposite now, I am the one who usually tells other people to calm down when they are angry and it takes me a lot to get angry.

It’s mainly the anxiety, on and off depression, feelings of emptiness, unstable sense of self that affects me and makes my life difficult. I have never attempted suicide, although it has crossed my mind at some points in my life.

Thank you, girl interrupted (I love that film 😊). I have been thinking about seeing a therapist again as I am really struggling lately with how I feel. At the moment, I have some stressful things going on in my life and it’s all really getting to me and starting to make me feel ill.
 
Zackthemaniac

Zackthemaniac

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 16, 2019
Messages
1,199
Location
North Carolina
Another thing that has put me off telling him is that under the DSM criteria, I no longer present enough of the symptoms to have a diagnosis of BPD.

Well if you consider yourself a recovered bpd and hes comfortable with your anxiety and all other symptoms then i think you are safe not telling him because at this point its no longer true and its not really a deception i think.
 
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