Do I suffer from depression?

[Optiv]

Not sure were to start with this, but I'll try my best to make it as short, but to the point as possible.

I'm 29, just about to turn 30 this month, I have had a normal life up until around 2004, which is when things started getting bad.

My mother died at the end of 2003 from cancer, and I didn't really deal with the situation that well, I tried to suppress a lot of the sadness, and kept going on with life as best I could.
However, by 2004 I was sick of work and with dealing with the general public, which was my job as a mobile phone salesman.
It's now 2009 and nothing has changed since the day I left that job.
I rarely leave the house, to the extent were I time any visits to shops to be at night so I don't have to face people.
I have built up this world on the internet which I live by, via games, msn, friends, 3d worlds such as second life and basically thrown myself into a dream world.
To be honest, I'm like a hermit which never leaves the house, and while I have a lot of friends and consider myself normally a sociable person, I now choose to isolate myself from anything that others would consider as normal.

About two years ago, on one of the rare occasions I left my house, I went out on the town for a friends birthday.
I got blind drunk, left the pub, and got into a fight on the high street.
I don't even remember much of it, but I was told I was spouting random rubbish to the extent the police wanted to call social services to take me to the local mental hospital, which I spent the next 3 days in.
Upon my “check out” I was told the hospital was not suitable for me, but that I suffer from depression which the booze triggered, and I was reconended to take a coarse of drugs, which I can't even remember the name of.
I took them until the packet ran out, I think after that I only had one visit to my GP to top-up... but after that first visit, I never went back.

I'm still in the same situation, but it's much worse.
I can't bare to pick up the phone to people, and get scared to answer the door and live by nights on my dream world on the internet.

If the phone rings, or I hear a door knock I get extremely paranoid which is why I'm not entirely sure I suffer just from depression. I think there is something else which is causing this, or perhaps it's common for depression, I don't know.
My hygiene has gone down the drain (excuse the pun) and my flat is a complete mess.

Financially I'm living on the money I got from selling my mothers house after her death, so while I'm ok at the moment for money, when it runs out.. there is no way I'm in a fit state to even visit someone for applying for a job, let alone getting one.
My NI must be screwed to death, and I have (before the money from my mothers estate came though) borrowed a lot, which I have yet to pay off.
I don't think I'm eligible for any benefit, but at the same time I'm in no fit state to work.

I think it's Anxiety coupled with depression, but I'm uncertain.
I just find everything very hard to deal with, but I'm not necessarily sad all the time in fact, I'm rather intent on the internet, and in my own little world.

I have fun on there, and it's rare that I am sad, or down, or whatever you might call it.
Clearly though, something is not right, and I need some advice.

Thank you.

 

[starfish]

dolores

it does indeed sound like depression and anxiety probably a bit of agoraphobia, i could say i am not a doctor, but i am a qualified nurse. i have been pensioned off after a lifetimes work,and like you i lost my mum-in-law who was closer to being my own mum.if you ask yourself a question, do i want to change the way my life is going? and the answer is yes, then you can take steps to doing what you think would make you feel happier.since my breakdown 5 years ago i have felt safe in my own comfort zone and now with a lot of help from others am gradually creeping further afield, so to speak.i think that you have to commit to seeking help if thats what you want.

 

[Optiv]

Thank you for the reply, dolores.

I understand that it's important to seek help from a professional, and when I have my next “up” to gather enough energy to drag myself to the doctors, I will seek help for this.

I don't enjoy being in this state, and I certainly don't wish to waste my life away, however there is a part of me that does not want to be part of society.
I'm not sure if that's caused by what I am going through, or if it's something else holding me back.

The reason why I am hesitant to stamp this as just depression is because I can trace back certain unsociable traits that I exhibit, even as far back as childhood.
As a child I was labeled as rather shy, and to this day I have issues looking at people in the eye.
Most of what I am going through now I can see myself always having in some small capacity in the past.
So while I'm certain my mothers death is the catalyst for my current state, I'm sure there is something else which I have always had, that has just been amplified due to recent events.

 

[*Sapphire*]

Hi Optiv,

I guess no one can diagnose here but your symptoms sound similar to some of mine and I have had diagnosis of anxiety and depression.

I know you felt tablets didn't work and that perhaps you were born with some of the difficulties you are facing, however I feel it doesn't have to be that way for forever if you want it to change.

I think given the right support, acknowledgement and validation of our feelings an awful lot can be achieved in changing our life perspectives and our feelings and behaviours so that they do not impair our lives any more.

I know the doctors and hospital seemed to achieve little, however there are other forms of treatment that don't require meds like talking and looking at your responses and behaviours you use that may be more beneficial to you.

I think when it comes to anxiety I work on a needs basis, I work from the biggest anxiety down to try and improve the quality of my life. It seems your finances are a big worry for you. If you can, I would speak to the CAB either through the telephone, visiting, and I think you might be able to email some offices (if the other two options are not possible for you right now). I think some people under-estimate what they can do. They are a fantastic resource and may have some suggestions as to what you can do to protect your finances during this difficult time.

I also think that perhaps if you decide to venture out with friends for the first time in a while that perhaps avoiding substances like alcohol is the way forward. Perhaps you drank to help alleviate your anxiety, but in reality it appears to have made things worse for you, and has put you off going out again? This is very sad.

I think although socialising online can be a wonderful thing and can bring some wonderful friendships it can also become very absorbing and almost can get to a stage where is precludes real life. I am guilty of that too, although I have a real life social network sometimes my online life can take over, and I forget to see people face to face. I forget how important it is to my mental and emotional health to see people face to face, talking, laughing and joking as well as the importance of physical human contact and touch. Even though seeing people face to face can be very anxiety provoking.

Alot of MH services have gardening groups and such like where you can socialise whilst taking part in an interest with others with similar experiences in a safe and supportive environment. It might be worth seeing if there is something you can get involved in like that. Even if you just sit there and don't take part or talk, it is a first step. I have seen many people start groups like this, unable to talk or take part, and then blossom into very social beings. And the responses from others including myself have been very supportive and encouraging rather than judgemental.

Anxiety is all very understandable, it has physical and mental roots and symptoms, if you break them down it is possible to cope with it, to come to terms with it, and even possible to overcome it. I had some anxiety management treatment through my local MH service and it really helped decrease my anxious responses and thoughts. Again this might be something worth asking about with your GP.

Even if your difficulties are rooted in childhood, I do feel that things can change. I was diagnosed with a personality disorder which was rooted in childhood, i displayed these tendencies and behaviors all my conscious life, however with the right treatment, validation, understanding and support I have made substantial changes in the way I think about things, view things, react to things and behave, when others had practically written me off.

I am not fully there yet, changing all those things doesn't happen overnight and it will be a life long learning process for me, but every day I improve a little more and get more insight into why I do the things I do. It has been the most heart and gut wrenching journey, but also the most wonderful and eye opening journey for me too.

 

[starfish]

dolores

i can totally relate to your having been shy as a child, i was too, i am glad that you are considering visiting your gp when you find the energy to do so, and i totally agree with sapphire77. good luck.

 

[TOONAFISH]

Hi there, im not nearly as good as these other people at explaining what im trying to say but i will try. first sorry you are feeling so bad. i thnik you do have depression, anxiety and like previous post said possibly agraphobia.

Although you feel you have always had something of this since childhood, it often takes a stressful life event to trigger and major episode.

I feel i was a bit different when i was small, very shy meeting new people and v insecure.

i think we all show different symptoms. i for example, dont like being on my own at the best of times but when i m ill i simply cant stand to be alone. i will do anything out of the house rather than have me and the four walls. i get anxious on my own, and immediately settle down in company. so we seem to be the opposite.

i think the fact that you dont want to continue the way you are would be a good reason to visit the docs. they will prob give you some medication and should give you some therapy or c.b.t which i think would really help.

if you want to talk more i come on quite regularly and i too like to spend time online talking to people in a similar boat than to bore my friends with stuff the dont understand.

wishing you well hope you manage to get to the docs soon

 

[iffybob]

First impression

I think you need to see a "Brevement Counciler", If this has happened after your mothers death, and talk about that through with them.

At least as a start.

You do need to get the money sorted though.