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Do I play the "victim?" or do I have a right to have "issues?"

B

bigjim

Member
Joined
Dec 14, 2014
Messages
5
Do I play the "victim?" or do I have a right to have "issues?"

I am writing this as I do not know what to do anymore, I am the sort of guy who does not cope with stress well, and this year has just about pushed me over the edge..

It all started when i was about 18, ( I will cut this story to as short as I can) when my anxiety started, about 7/8 years now I have suffered major anxiety.. which has stopped me doing things in life I would have wanted too.. Yet my parents use to laugh at me & my anxiety disorder telling me its all in the head, sort myself out.. snap out of it etc, and use to laugh at me having panic attacks..
I have always been a heavy drinker around the same time as I started to get the anxiety in my life.. I used alcohol to calm myself down (it does work) but causes more problems later on, before everything I did or if I went out etc I would have a drink & a few years go by I started to need a drink even before I went to the pub!.. before work etc etc,

Last year my father got diagnosed with stomach cancer (which runs in family strongly so the chances of me getting it is very high) he got given a few months to live,, it was within a few weeks/months I noticed my mother was acting strange/odd some quick bullet points to why.

>She went from pay as you go to contract phone (considering she has a phone nearer 10 years old and she does not have enough friends to be calling/texting etc.
>she would go to bed early everynight, with door shut & be on the phone for about an hour each night
>she would be txting during the day non stop which use to annoy my dad
>her vocabulary would change & she would say words like babe etc that Ive never heard her say before...

I started to realise she was having an affair on my dying father, pretty much in front of his face, my dad one day told her he suspected something... I only know this as my mother one day tried to pull the wool over my eyes sat me down and told me that my dads cancer is affecting his brain now as dad thinks im having an affair.. I explained to my mother right then that I also think that.. and why, ( oh and i saw some messages on her phone when she told me to delete a contact) she obviously got obnoxious as usual and went off in a huff...

Within a few month I walked out of my full time job as it was affecting me there was issues within the work place, I then decided to give up drinking.. to cut long story short I went for a detox and got sober, but only for one month..

My father got taken to hospital one night after having a funny turn.. I went with him, and he eventually died chocking on his own blood, in my arms..
the shock of seeing my dad die in such pain and discomfort made me drink again

since then my mum has told me she is keeping and selling my dads watch (even tho it was verbally confirmed that I was having it after my dads death) my mum said to my dad no we dont need no will as me and your son are easy.. we wont argue about your belongings...

She is still on the phone all day texting and going to bed early to phonecall this same guy.. now my father has died she admits they are just "friends" even tho I have friends that have seen her out in town with a guy acting odd..

So right now I am off sick at work.. (as they want me back I told them I was unwell and we decided just to have some time off) so I have work issues and I am not sure weather to go back or not..

My mother has cheated on my dying dad.. I have no other family, I have no where else to go, and I have no friends.. because I am "odd" I suspect I have some personality disorder because I can not keep friendships or relationships.. I do not particularly like this life/world..

My mother who I no longer respect for obvious reasons tells me I am always playing the victim and I need to get a life etc etc and that is not the case she is always nagging me about my faults and putting me down she does not realise how her criticism ( which isnt constructive) affects my mental health...

My father only died 5 days ago and I am 25 years old.. sorry to blabber on, I just do not know what to do with my life as I have no one,

I think suicide is a likely option.. if not then I will travel to London to become street homeless as I can not cope in this house with my mother who is vindictive, a cheat a constant liar and a fraud

I have thoughts of suicide & thoughts of killing certain people..

I could go back to work and rent a room somewhere... and pretty much just work to stay alive (which I dont agree with why I hate this world) and be pretty much miserable..
The only thing I would look forward to is getting a dog.. its been a long term childhood dream for me it may sound like a simple thing but I love animals over humans anyday.

As I said I have no friends, I have just started drinking again... not sure what to do about work or my life but I know one thing... I can not carry on like this anymore..
 

MarlieeB

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Joined
Jan 15, 2013
Messages
25,043
Welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry for the raw loss of your Dad and the way he died in your arms and everything else that has happened. I can't even start to imagine how much pain you are in at the moment.

:hug1:

Marliee x
 
D

Dottyone

Guest
Aww bigjim welcome to the forum I am so so sorry you have been through all that :hug:

xx
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,529
Location
The West Country
It sounds to me as if on one level your Mother probably feels guilty, and so is putting accusing you of being a victim to prevent herself from facing up to how she's behaved.
Try not to take her comments on board, because yes you are entitled to your feelings and reactions to what's happened.
I'm really sorry to hear that you didn't get the support you needed from your parents when you spoke out about your anxiety disorder. Unfortunately, there is still a lot of ignorance about and people with no experience of mental health issues do seem to believe that someone can 'pull themselves together' or 'snap out of it'.

I think Nikkita's reply is very wise. When you are ready, it would be good to focus on working and find a way to live on your own because as long as you're living with your Mother, it sounds as if you aren't going to be happy.

It might also be an idea to visit your local council's housing department and tell them your situation and ask for their advice with regards to housing.
Social housing can take a long time, but it may be that you'd be eligible for some help with housing benefit if you wanted to rent somewhere privately.

Are you under the care of your local mental health team at all? It sounds like you really could do with some extra support at the moment, especially given your bereavement.
If you aren't under their care, i'd suggest seeing your GP and asking for a referral.
 
Kerome

Kerome

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Joined
Sep 29, 2013
Messages
12,752
Location
Europe
It's good to remember that you are totally entitled to your own feelings and reactions, don't let people put you in a box of their expectations, it's not healthy. And I do think your mother is not a very mature person, this thing about the affair is kinda forgive able, people do strange things when they're grieving, but the thing with the watch is just a bit strange. I'd try not to get too attached, she is your mother after all and deserving of some care, but you need to make your own way in life, find your own voice and your own kind of people.

I know what you mean when you say you don't agree with "working just to live", my solution was to find work that I actually enjoyed. After all you're going to be doing it for eight hours a day, it's nice to do something that you feel is pleasant or worthy.

It's not really about having issues as such, or playing the victim... I think a better role is being the guide or the mediator. If you see people doing things that are wrong or you see a better way, why not try to help them, instead of saying "I have issues with what you're doing". Thoughts of killing people are also not really a good sign, it's a really unsophisticated response to problems you have with others, why not try meditation, or journal writing in order to explore how you really feel deep inside.

You seem to be carrying a few wounds, it will help if you try and find out what they are.

Welcome to the forums :) and hope you feel better...
 
N

notrealname

Well-known member
Joined
May 4, 2009
Messages
766
I'm so sorry for your loss and for everything that has happened. I can't imagine how terrible you must be feeling.

If it's possible for you to get out of the house you share with your mother and get into therapy that would be my first port of call. Things will get better - it might be difficult to believe right now, but I know ex-alcoholics, and I know people who have had terrible experiences, and I know people who have lost their parents, and they have pulled through. Allow and accept your emotions. Have a go at just feeling them and allowing them to be there rather than numbing them with drink.

One thing you could do is print off what you have written here and hand it to your GP. In fact, I think that's the first thing I would do.

As for your mother - they're your feelings not hers.
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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Nov 25, 2014
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Sorry for your loss, somersetscorpio has given some great advice though :)

Have you managed to get in touch with citizens advice? Or any other service?
 
L

louieb

Member
Joined
Dec 30, 2014
Messages
6
Location
Diagonal Iowa
As everyone else said, I'm sorry for your loss. Not only the loss of your father, but your mother and most importantly yourself. It hurts man. I know. I hope you post again but it looks like it's been two weeks and no follow up.
Personally, I'd like to hear some good stuff about you. What do you like other than drinking and animals? Have you joined anything to help animals? ASPCA or anything like that? If not that would be a step in the right direction. Do you like sports? What are you really good at? Everyone is good at something and I'd like to know more about you.
 
P

PeeturDCF

Guest
No. I wouldn't say you view yourself as a victim at all. All of these situations you have faced head on and been very brave in spite of the rapid stress. I too find life has its overwhelming moments. I lost my confidence because of what happened to me. But then a guy told me of the "free positives" rule where you can find something you like and stick to it. Like clothes? Like chess? Others like clothes and chess! And the rest slots together. Basically, I hate being on the receiving end of having someone **** on me, but it unfortunately happens.
 

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