R
Raechel
Member
Hiya,
This is the first time I've posted anything on here, so please bear with me if I go on a bit.
I am just wondering if someone could advise me on whether I need a doctor or if there is something I can do to help myself.
Basically I've always has some mental issues but never out of control (well I suppose you can judge that for yourselves!), I didnt have a happy childhood (often had thoughts of suicide which were never address..actually I still do) but that hasnt got me down because there is always someone out there worse off, I only mention the childhood as I assume that that period of our lives makes up the people we grow to be.
Anyway, to cut a long story short..during my adult life I have had a lot of failed relationships, I've been hurt a few times and have hurt people too, when things are really tough mentally I cut myself, it's embarrassing and not something I want to talk to friends about, although I have had to explain myself a few times when caught out (or rather I just tell them I dont want to talk about it...but they obviously know what it is!)
I have escorted in the past (both through an agency and online), no not because I needed money but because I just felt I needed to feel something (maybe to feel wanted?? I dont know), sort of to see how i would react in that situation. It didnt disgust me as much as I thought it would at the time. Which made me think there was something wrong with me.
I also make myself sick almost every day, I dont know why I do it really but it's at a point where i just cant help it. Anytime things dont feel right (which is most days) I eat and eat, especially things I dont like, then I just throw it all back up again. I know that is really sick! (pardon the pun!)
So the reason I only now feel things are becoming serious, is because I am turning into a really horribly honest, overly opinionated, person. I have pushed all my friends away because quite honestly....I just cant tolerate them. I am mean to people sometimes and I am not naturally a horrible person. I am so irritable at times it makes me cry. Also, I hate my boss...yes I know, who doesn't?!...He's actually a nice guy/boss but some days I seriously feel like I want to scream at him and staple his top lip to the desk..it's a struggle not.
I cant commit to a relationship eventhough I want to and have the opportunity to...but at the same time..I'm so scared of being alone.
so....any idea where I go from here??
Sorry if this has bored the life out of you! x
This is the first time I've posted anything on here, so please bear with me if I go on a bit.
I am just wondering if someone could advise me on whether I need a doctor or if there is something I can do to help myself.
Basically I've always has some mental issues but never out of control (well I suppose you can judge that for yourselves!), I didnt have a happy childhood (often had thoughts of suicide which were never address..actually I still do) but that hasnt got me down because there is always someone out there worse off, I only mention the childhood as I assume that that period of our lives makes up the people we grow to be.
Anyway, to cut a long story short..during my adult life I have had a lot of failed relationships, I've been hurt a few times and have hurt people too, when things are really tough mentally I cut myself, it's embarrassing and not something I want to talk to friends about, although I have had to explain myself a few times when caught out (or rather I just tell them I dont want to talk about it...but they obviously know what it is!)
I have escorted in the past (both through an agency and online), no not because I needed money but because I just felt I needed to feel something (maybe to feel wanted?? I dont know), sort of to see how i would react in that situation. It didnt disgust me as much as I thought it would at the time. Which made me think there was something wrong with me.
I also make myself sick almost every day, I dont know why I do it really but it's at a point where i just cant help it. Anytime things dont feel right (which is most days) I eat and eat, especially things I dont like, then I just throw it all back up again. I know that is really sick! (pardon the pun!)
So the reason I only now feel things are becoming serious, is because I am turning into a really horribly honest, overly opinionated, person. I have pushed all my friends away because quite honestly....I just cant tolerate them. I am mean to people sometimes and I am not naturally a horrible person. I am so irritable at times it makes me cry. Also, I hate my boss...yes I know, who doesn't?!...He's actually a nice guy/boss but some days I seriously feel like I want to scream at him and staple his top lip to the desk..it's a struggle not.
I cant commit to a relationship eventhough I want to and have the opportunity to...but at the same time..I'm so scared of being alone.
so....any idea where I go from here??

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