• Hi. It’s great to see you. Welcome!

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life. Amongst our membership there is a wealth of expertise that has been developed through having to deal with mental health issues.

    We are an actively moderated forum with a team of experienced moderators. We also have a specialist safety team that works extra hard to keep the forum safe for visitors and members.

    Register now to access many more features and forums!

Do I have BPD?

A

Aribearx

New member
Joined
Jan 8, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Manchester
Hello,

I don’t know where to start. I often feel so confused. There are days I wake up and I am ready for the world. And then there are days where I lose my sense of self and just want to sleep to escape the day. My world is very fragile. I live in fear that when tomorrow comes I won’t know who I am. I’m paper thin. I tried to contact the NHS for an appointment, but I am afraid of being judged. I am afraid that opening up to someone would mean that I lose my privacy and that I will be labelled as ‘mentally unfit’. After intensive research of why I am an unfit human being, I find that I am close to being diagnosed with a Borderline Personality Disorder. I am an all or nothing person. I can love people so much and then I am ready to give them up. When I suffer from my negative, moody episodes, I lose sense of myself, my focus, and my relationships. I forget how people think of me and I start to believe that they must hate me. I hold my breath until the next time I see them to understand that they like me. I feel like a waste of space. I am constantly praying for a day where I am useful. Sometimes, I can’t breathe at night. I wake up, heart bursting, beating so fast. I tell myself to calm down and I read some prayers. I tell myself it’s ok. I walk around with this dark cloud over me. This cloud that takes up so much energy. I try to talk to people and they tell me I’m ok. And I get even more frustrated because my mind feels like it is about to explode. The emotion is so intense that I just want somebody to help me. I cry so bad during my episodes and I talk to God. It calms me knowing that God is listening when nobody is listening to me. They keep telling me that I am a nice person or I have so much to be grateful for. I am grateful honestly. I just can’t break away from the voices in my head. I feel so isolated. I feel so abandoned. I am having physical symptoms such as headaches and this morning, I had a sharp chest pain. I am afraid to get a job, to interact with people, to contribute to life and I find myself wasting away in imaginary lands. I just don’t feel good enough. On my good days, I feel I can do it. On my worst days, like now, I just feel utterly useless and I want to disappear.

Sorry, I just need someone to talk to about all of this. I feel so alone. And yes, I have been told that I am very very sensitive and that I need to toughen up. My question is how can I change who I am? My perspective? There all sorts of things I do not like about myself. Growing up, people picked on me and my appearance. That is all I see and I need help. I cancelled my appointment with the mental health clinic and I am afraid to go back there again in fear that they will not accept me.

. I feel unclean inside my head. I dont want to be in a relationship. I can’t trusg people.

Please help me. I don’t know what it is. I look online and they tell me I have a combination of things.
Sorry for rambling. I’m going crazy here.
 
T

TypeArtist

Member
Joined
Jan 8, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Pennsylvania
It sounds like you could really benefit from therapy. It can help with a lot of these problems you are experiencing, and feeling. I know you fear the metal health clinic won't accept you, but it is their job to work with people struggling with mental health like yourself. They are in these jobs, after spending years and lots of money on education to do such jobs. They will not judge you and if they for some reason do display judgement, you need to look elsewhere because it was a bad place to go and not because of you and who you are at all. People come in there all the time for similar issues and worse issues. There are very few things that will shock them if you say something to them.
 
Top