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Do I have an eating disorder?

B

bedtimethoughts

New member
Joined
May 10, 2015
Messages
1
Hello.

Sorry for the lengthy post ahead!

I am struggling quite a bit with my eating habits and my perceptions about eating. I have attempted to research on eating disorders and found that my eating habits fit into the "symptoms" of a few eating disorders. Please advice!

I think my BMI is underweight. I know it's stupid to want to lose weight, that's why I wish I could get some advice on how to stop having such silly thoughts and recover. I don't starve myself, but instead I tend to over-eat even when I am full. I can't control myself! I have 0 determination. This sounds like BED, but here's the thing: I only binge on things that I think are healthy. I binge on a lot of fruits, whole grains, nuts, salmon and other "healthy" food. I stay away from rice and added sugar a lot. I calculate my calories with an app every single day, for every meal I eat. This sounds a little like Orthorexia, except I eat healthy food not to feel pure and clean, but with an aim to lose weight. When I binge eat and feel bloated, I will hate on myself and spend the whole day feeling sad and disgusted at myself. Furthermore, I cannot stop thinking about what to eat for the next meal, for the rest of the day, or even for the next day. I plan my meals (but end up overeating anyway), and I tend to cook up excuses to avoid having to eat out with my friends. And if I do not have a choice, I'll research on the restaurant we're visiting and the calories of the food on the menu so that I could choose the "healthiest" dish that will not make me fat.

As if this is not enough, I began to lie about my eating habits. I take lots of photos of food (which my parents eat) and post it online, and this makes my friends think that I eat a lot. All of them are envious that I eat so much junk and still stay this skinny. I mean, I do eat a lot, but it's all the "healthy" food. Also they think I do not care about my body image, but I actually do. And I feel as though this "eating disorder" is controlling my life, the way I think, and my emotions. On some occasions when I really over-eat (like during buffets or feasting), I will attempt to purge (but this is very seldom). Isn't this a symptom of Bulimia?

It never was like that in the past. I was blessed with a skinny frame since I was a kid, and so I never had to even think of dieting. I liked to snack on junk food and I'll grab onto any opportunity to snack or eat fast food. When I was 14, I had fried chicken and boba tea almost every single day. And that's when I gained some weight in a year (but also I had a growth spurt of around 8cm during that time). I cannot fit into my jeans anymore and everyone who sees me tells me that I gained weight. Even then, I was just upset, but I don't control my diet. Only until 2 years ago, I began to cut down on my diet, and slowly this becomes the obsession with dieting now. Since then, I have lost some weight. Every time when I tell myself that I can eat like a normal person, I look at my friend (who eats so little- she can only eat one fruit in a day and starve, or just drink soup) and I feel like I'm a monster for eating so much. Every time when I get too busy and skipped my meals, I will feel so good about myself. Also I look at myself and then at the korean idols and think- "my god, my thighs are huge."

There are days where I let go of myself and indulge on things that I love, like cakes and ice cream and all, but I am really scared that in the future, I wouldn't even dare to touch it any longer. There are so many questions. Do I have an eating disorder? Is this normal? How can I stop this?

I really want to go back to being the happy girl that I used to be, eating things that I used to love but has now became my "fear food". I want to stop being depressed over this. I want to stop hiding and pretending that I eat alot of junk, when I don't. I want to love myself.

Please help.
And I thank you in advance for reading this lengthy post. :*)
 
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M

_messofme_

Active member
Joined
May 8, 2015
Messages
40
Location
New Zealand
no one can really diagnose you properly except for a doctor or psychiatrist... in say that you do sound like you have some things you need to sort out. Is there anyone your seeing -psych related? or anyone you feel comfortable talking to about this?
 
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