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Do I have a personality disorder, or is this something way worse?

T

The best name ever

New member
Joined
Nov 26, 2014
Messages
4
Perfect relationship, flawed mentality
Certain lines should not be crossed. While I love my girlfriend, and would not want to harm her in any way, I feel like I am almost being unfaithful mentally. I daresay we are almost a perfect couple. We can do anything together, except I have not been sharing the deepest most horrid of thoughts. And I have not shared them for a good reason. While she is strong, she is also very addicted to me. She would like to be with me all day if she could, and spend the night together. While I love her and also feel that way to a certain degree, I am more of a lonesome person. I think I need my alone time, or else I will feel strangled.

The new best friend
At school I met this really cool girl, which I quickly became best friends with. While I am not completely comfortable with being totally random, and well… me, with her yet, we oftentimes find ourselves talking about everything and nothing. Our friendship is kind of therapeutic, working both ways. She told me after a couple weeks that her boyfriend could at times hit her if he rages too much. He also spends very little time with her, and when they are together – he just sits there and plays video games. I, of course, find this sad. And being the person I am, I would like to help. We have developed this strong friendship where we can share our deepest secrets, and we talk about it and make each other feel better.

Best friend struggles & infatuation
She is struggling with several things, from anorexia, general eating disorders, anxiety, self-esteem issue and occasional suicide-thoughts. She has had therapists since long before I knew what the word therapist meant, and is generally a really strong girl. I am quite sure if I were in her shoes, I would not be here today. She is a really sweet girl, and totally not like the regular girls at school. She told me about a week ago that she developed slight feelings for me, and I, of course, am flattered. Apart from my girlfriend, that is the only positive comment I have gotten from the opposite sex.

I kind of like her as well
Now, what makes me feel really bad is that I am kind of having thoughts about her as well. This mentally crushed me about four days ago, as I am not sure if I even deserve to be with this fantastic woman that I am now committed to. I have been thinking a lot about this, and after a while came to the conclusion that thoughts are not dangerous. She knows I have a girlfriend, by the way. I also have told her that I find her attractive, because really, she is a cute, funny and strange girl. I have occasionally thought about her sexually, as well as girlfriend-material. This makes me depressed, seeing as I love my current girlfriend. I would like to spend the rest of my life with her, and the only reason I am on this forum writing about this issue is because of me, and my horrid thoughts.

What are the reasons?
I have been thinking through this a lot, and I think the reason I am infatuated with this new girl is because I feel sort of strangled in my current life. In my current relationship, we basically wake up holding hands, and go to bed the same. While I am okay with this, and love her (am I repeating this a little too much) I just need some room to breathe. There are also certain things I could never talk about with my current girlfriend, like sexual thoughts about others, to name one of the biggest. While we are so alike, we are thinking in whole different ways. She wants the Disney princess relationship, while I could (Exaggerating this, to get my point across) be totally happy with having a girlfriend I see two, three times a week, and who doesn’t look at us like the relationship is everything that matters.

I Want both, but deserve neither
At times I have to mentally tell myself that she is the girl I should be with. We have been together for three years, and I really know, that the best for me would be to stick with her forever. As I have already mentioned, I have been somewhat depressed at all the different thoughts I have had. How can I be so mentally ill that I have wondered how it would be if I were with the new girl instead? It is like I have several personalities conflicting inside my brain. One knows that I should stay with her forever. The second wants a fresh breath in life. And the third scares me, because here I feel like I have psychopathic tendencies. What if my current girlfriend died, so I can be with the new girl? Of course I feel fucking horrible after thoughts like that. It is not like I wish for it; my brain just brings up anything it wants. Its like that one part of me sees everything as a big joke. What if my whole family + girlfriend died, and I am left alone? The fact that I can mentally brush that off like nothing bothers me. I feel like if my bus now crashes (I am writing this on my way home) and several people die, I am not even sure if I would panic that much. I would of course call and help all I can, but I don’t think I would freak out like … normal people do.

It’s like a small part of my brain does not know limits.

Hey Doc, what’s wrong up there?
I have of course thought about visiting the doctor and/or therapist. It’s just so costly with the latter, so I am not sure if I am mentally unstable enough to pay that amount of cash. I have, for several years, been dead sure that there is something wrong with me. I just don’t know what, yet. I feel so restless and weird at times, and occasionally I feel like an alien to this society. I can walk down the streets and see people smile and talk, and it feels like I live in a robotic world, or I am inside a glass-bubble. I have looked up Autism, Bipolar Disorder, ADHD and ADD, but the Internet is not a valid doctor. I have been struggling with concentration problems at times, where I just drift off into my own world, or just see the schoolbook page as blank or unreadable.

Trying to wrap it up
The only one I have said this much to is my new best friend. I tried talking slightly to my mother, where I mentioned only a fraction of this, as well as how I felt, and asked if I should go to a therapist or such. She does not think anything is wrong, and labels me as a creative person, whom is in need of doing creative work. While this is true, and creative work relaxes me and helps with these things, I do not believe I should have thoughts about death, just to get a new girlfriend, and things like this. Well this ended up as a very long post. For whoever made it to the end; What the heck is wrong with me?
 
Last edited:
BlueBerry

BlueBerry

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 13, 2014
Messages
1,261
Location
Edinburgh
Just judging from what you've written, I'd say there doesn't appear to be anything obviously wrong with you mentally.
It sounds like your having some relationship issues, which can of can cause a lot of mental/emotional anguish, especially if (like me) you're a highly sensitive sort of person.

From what your post says, it sounds like your girlfriend is maybe smothering you with her closeness. This doesn't mean either of you are bad people, or that your relationship is doomed to fail. I know a lot of couples (like my own sister) who have had similar problems and I think the solution is to maybe talk to your GF and let her know that you do need some alone time now and again.
Do you consider yourself an introvert by any chance? Us introverts need our alone time now and again to "recharge"!

Let your GF know how much you love and value her, but tell her you need some valuable alone time every so often.

I'm obviously not a psychiatrist or therapist, but maybe it's because of these issues that your thinking of the other girl as a potential new GF? You should know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to other people now and again, just don't act on it. Even 100% committed happy couples are attracted to others occasionally. It's just human attraction.

Can I ask how old you are? If you've been doing some online research, you'll know that you can't be diagnosed with personality disorders until you are at least 18. You mentioned something about school, so I wondered how old you are.

I don't know what to say about the "restless and weird" thing you mentioned. It honestly might be nothing. Judging from the amount of emotion, guilt and humanity you've put into your post I can say you that you don't sound like a psychopath at all, so wipe that off the list.

In a nutshell, you don't sound mentally ill or anything, you're just feeling a bit smothered by your GF and are feeling very guilty and anxious about your feelings for another girl. Nothing wrong with that at all, in fact it suggests you have a strong moral compass.

Hugs, Blue
xxx :hug:
 
T

The best name ever

New member
Joined
Nov 26, 2014
Messages
4
Thank you so much for your answer. It really helps to have others also put in their thoughts on subjects you ponder way too much about.

I mentioned "restless and weird" because I oftentimes find myself at unease. Like everyone around me have a one-track mind. I am not sure how I can explain this, really, just that... I feel different. Like I am more unstable emotionally, and think A LOT more than the people around me.

I am 22 years old, my girlfriend is as well, and my bestie is 18. (I dropped out of school after feeling out of place, and I am currently working my way through again, so all my classmates are around 17.)
I have told her I love her with all my heart, and did tell her about two days ago that I really need more time alone. I found this out after I had a weekend alone as she had a movie-weekend with her work friends. It's something I missed, just being totally alone. Me, a couple glasses of whisky and music.

I'm quite sure I am introverted. I do love talking to people, but I often have problem connecting with anyone at any sort of level except "how's the weather" kind of thing. I am just too weird for a lot of people. If I try to poke my sort of humor into a conversation, it gets rejected, because hey, I'm just into a lot of other stuff than what anyone around me is. There are of course exceptions, like my girlfriend, my brother and my bestie. My bestie's humor is almost too close to mine.

I guess it might just be what you wrote; the feeling of being smothered. Maybe a hobby away from regular life could help me. I felt really good this weekend, being alone and singing as much as I wanted. I really am no singer, but I would like to be one day. Music has always soothed my soul.

Probably what makes me feel so mentally ill is the fact that very few people around me seem to experience anything close to abnormal. There have been several occasions where I have shared something with my bestie, and I have been damn sure she would be shocked. She has read this, by the way, and her support as well helps me loads.
 
P

Polar Bear

Guest
I think you are pretty normal too with thoughts that many of us have. It's ok to have strange thoughts sometimes. It doesn't make you a bad person or mean anything is wrong with you. Therapy though is good for all of us I think. Do you have a school counsellor you can see for free?

I think you need to tell your current gf you need some space though. Maybe even a break so you can figure out which girl you truly want.

I hope you work it out. Life is full of these kinds of dilemmas and worries by the way.

Kelly x
 
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