F
Fruit Loop
Guest
First of all I would like to apologise to all the good people on here. I am sorry if I have offended anyone by what I had written and/or my actions.
I have had my eyes opened by a recent counselling sessions. The tables were turned and I was on the receiving end for once. I was forced to see and feel the real me. I am shocked and horrified at what I am capable of. I feel so guilty and upset. I am disgusted by my actions. I am a cruel and vile person. This has hit me really hard as I did not know that this side of me existed, let alone so active. As I sat there and listened, I felt like my chest imploded with the burden of the cold hard truth. I broke down in tears.
This is the real reason why I do not have that many friends (if any?). I do not know how to treat people. The truth is there to see, I cannot deny it or defend myself. The truth is there like an iceburg, only the tip of it to see. The rest of it still hidden in the dark depths inside of me. I feel so terrible this morning. I had what felt like a sleepless night. The truth is I was haunted by what I had learnt. In my dreams situations were replayed in super size wide screen, just for me. Over and over these images were replayed. I was forced to relive these situations as me but, I felt what the other people were made to feel.
I have single handed managed to isolate myself. I feel it is too late to right my wrong doing. Anyone who knows a little of me will know that I am punishing myself for this. I am such a hard task master when it comes to beating myself up over things. I sit here writing and more memories are flooding back to me. I must have been like this to some degree for all of my life. I am not blaming my recent additional meds but this side of me is more apparent since starting them. I am experiencing a nightmare of an emotional roller coaster with this.
I sit here and try to work out if I deserve to have any friends? I know that no one should be made to feel the way they did/do because of my actions or words. I have slowly exhausted and broken so many bonds of friendship. Do I keep myself isolated and removed from people? I feel like I should remain at a distance to save people from experiencing me.
I have had my eyes opened by a recent counselling sessions. The tables were turned and I was on the receiving end for once. I was forced to see and feel the real me. I am shocked and horrified at what I am capable of. I feel so guilty and upset. I am disgusted by my actions. I am a cruel and vile person. This has hit me really hard as I did not know that this side of me existed, let alone so active. As I sat there and listened, I felt like my chest imploded with the burden of the cold hard truth. I broke down in tears.
This is the real reason why I do not have that many friends (if any?). I do not know how to treat people. The truth is there to see, I cannot deny it or defend myself. The truth is there like an iceburg, only the tip of it to see. The rest of it still hidden in the dark depths inside of me. I feel so terrible this morning. I had what felt like a sleepless night. The truth is I was haunted by what I had learnt. In my dreams situations were replayed in super size wide screen, just for me. Over and over these images were replayed. I was forced to relive these situations as me but, I felt what the other people were made to feel.
I have single handed managed to isolate myself. I feel it is too late to right my wrong doing. Anyone who knows a little of me will know that I am punishing myself for this. I am such a hard task master when it comes to beating myself up over things. I sit here writing and more memories are flooding back to me. I must have been like this to some degree for all of my life. I am not blaming my recent additional meds but this side of me is more apparent since starting them. I am experiencing a nightmare of an emotional roller coaster with this.
I sit here and try to work out if I deserve to have any friends? I know that no one should be made to feel the way they did/do because of my actions or words. I have slowly exhausted and broken so many bonds of friendship. Do I keep myself isolated and removed from people? I feel like I should remain at a distance to save people from experiencing me.