Do I deserve to have any friends?

[Fruit Loop]

First of all I would like to apologise to all the good people on here. I am sorry if I have offended anyone by what I had written and/or my actions.

I have had my eyes opened by a recent counselling sessions. The tables were turned and I was on the receiving end for once. I was forced to see and feel the real me. I am shocked and horrified at what I am capable of. I feel so guilty and upset. I am disgusted by my actions. I am a cruel and vile person. This has hit me really hard as I did not know that this side of me existed, let alone so active. As I sat there and listened, I felt like my chest imploded with the burden of the cold hard truth. I broke down in tears.

This is the real reason why I do not have that many friends (if any?). I do not know how to treat people. The truth is there to see, I cannot deny it or defend myself. The truth is there like an iceburg, only the tip of it to see. The rest of it still hidden in the dark depths inside of me. I feel so terrible this morning. I had what felt like a sleepless night. The truth is I was haunted by what I had learnt. In my dreams situations were replayed in super size wide screen, just for me. Over and over these images were replayed. I was forced to relive these situations as me but, I felt what the other people were made to feel.

I have single handed managed to isolate myself. I feel it is too late to right my wrong doing. Anyone who knows a little of me will know that I am punishing myself for this. I am such a hard task master when it comes to beating myself up over things. I sit here writing and more memories are flooding back to me. I must have been like this to some degree for all of my life. I am not blaming my recent additional meds but this side of me is more apparent since starting them. I am experiencing a nightmare of an emotional roller coaster with this.

I sit here and try to work out if I deserve to have any friends? I know that no one should be made to feel the way they did/do because of my actions or words. I have slowly exhausted and broken so many bonds of friendship. Do I keep myself isolated and removed from people? I feel like I should remain at a distance to save people from experiencing me.

 

[KP1]

Hi Fruit Loop.
We all have many different facets to our personalities some good some not so good.
You are a valuable person and will meet people again in the future.
The point of therapy is to work through these issues so as not to repeat the same negative patterns of behaviour. Therapy is tough going and your therapist should help you through this.
Hang on in there.
KP

 

[Ainsworth]

I feel like I should remain at a distance to save people from experiencing me.

what will you learn by doing that?
how will you go forward by doing that?

 

[Fruit Loop]

Some would say that I would be running away from things.

The purpose would be to stop upsetting people. I would learn nothing from it to start with. I would how ever have time to reflect on previous actions, be it physical, vocal, written or any combination. I would have the time to look for what triggered such responses. Having identified the triggers I can then work my way through the reason behind it. If I am unable to resolve the issue by myself I then have the option of exploring it further at my counselling sessions.

It will only be by my understanding of such events/triggers that I can then begin to move forward once again.

I guess I have suffered a puncture while on the road to recovery. I see I have two options. I can carry on regardless and risk further trouble and difficulties due to my ignorance. The other option would to pull over and address the problem and if or when I struggle call for assistance.

 

[Jo1760]

FL,

I am really sorry to read you are feeling that way at the moment. I can only imagine it must be an incrediably hard feeling to break through and i truly hope you will with help be able to do so.

Firstly, i'd like to say that you really are a good person, a person who is loyal to his family, who put up with an incrediably difficult working enviroment & even when times were unbareable you still went to work and faced the tasks you needed too. Unfortunately depression is an absolutely dreadful thing to deal with, there are too may twists and turns to count and also everyone differs so much with how they deal with symptoms, situations and peers while they are depressed.

Some people choose to open up and tell anyone who will listen, others wrap themselves up and keep everything in, and the more hurt and unhappiness that builds up the harder it is to deal with it, until it just feels like everything has become a tangled mess. Unfortunately when feeling like that it is so incrediably difficult to talk to people and get how despiring you feel across to them.

I do understand that looking back is an incrediably distressing thing, but i want you too know that regardless of how you feel about yourself, there will always be people who will care for you, worry about how you are doing and be thinking of you. You are an important person FL and i know that is dreadfully hard to understand right now, there will always be people to turn too.

Try to take care of yourself and i hope that in time the counselling becomes a little easier and you feel you have made some progress.

Good luck & remember you are an important person, dont ever let anyone tell you differently.

Jo XX

 

[Twylight]

Chill ! - tomorrow is another day and a fresh start

 

[starfish]

dont be too hard on your self. take care.

 

[eternaljourney]

What is it you're supposed to have done, have you upset people really?
You seem to think by isolating yourself for whatever reason you're being a bad person.
What did you say to people in you're communication?
You don't have to answer but maybe the therapist made you feel that whatever communication you made was wrong. Have you asked anyone else perhaps someone who actually knows you what they think?
I don't know what happened in the therapy sessions but you shouldn't be feeling like this about yourself if you were being helped for something

 

[Fruit Loop]

I know for a fact that I have upset people. Those that are honest have told me so. They could not have made it any clearer. I did not like what they said but at the end of the day I respect them for making me aware of the issue. Others have not been so upfront and honest. I have asked them and have offered an apology. I am met with a palm to the face and stone cold silence.

I have been told a few home truths. I was put on the receiving end of the style of communication that I have used. I had this dumped on me and quite rightly so. I cannot offload it or blame anyone else as this is me, all my own work. I have been called a few things but the one that sticks in my mind most is "What a horrible monster". That really rubbed salt into what was already a very sore wound. That comment with the rest of it finally crushed me.

I did not know that this side of me existed. If I did then I have been in denial about it. I wish it was just one incident and I could mention what I had said and done. In truth there are to many examples I could mention that took place on this forum and in real life. I have spent all my time since being slapped in the face with this going over it all. I have been so nasty to so many people. I am wracked with guilt over what was said and done and how these people must have felt. I have driven myself up the wall, across the ceiling and back down again. I have kicked myself so many times. I have tried to blame others over the years. In truth it was me. My words, my actions, my fault.

I dare not ask those who actually know me. Most (if not all) of them have dropped me and moved on, quite literally. If I was to summon up the courage to ask, I fear the answer. They would probably be too scared to give me the truth. I would not want to put them in that situation.

It hurts me more than I am capable of describing. I used to think I was kind and caring, a good friend, someone that could be relied upon, someone that people would like to know. I fear that most of these friendships were based on fear, bad news travels seven times faster and seven times further than good news. I bet they heard about me before seeing me arrive. I bet they pretended to be a friend as it was easier for them, than risk experiencing "the horrible monster." I never knew I could cause so much terror. I never knew I made so many people feel so bad. I feel rotten to the core. This only adds to the low opinion I already have of myself.

I do not know how much more I can take. I do not want anyone else to suffer because of me. I have been everything that I could dislike in a person and inflicted this on others. I do not feel human when I think about it. I do not want to exist when I think about it. I am the odd shaped bit of jigsaw puzzle that just does not fit in anywhere. No matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I have pushed and shoved. All this has done is to further distort me. There is not point lying, hiding or pretending. The monster inside will always find a way of showing itself. No matter where I go, here or somewhere else, I just do not fit in, I just do not belong.

 

[sunshine76]

To Fruit Loop

Dearest Fruit Loop,
I very much doubt you are a monster. if you were then you wouldn't be here, trying to adddress the problem and feeling the crushing guilt that you feel.
True monsters are without conscience.
Maybe no-one has ever taken the time to listen or to understand.
You don't sound like a monster to me, just one more of us who doesn't like who we are.
if you have had anger or aggression issues in the past then you can deal with these and move forward.
Love and Luck xx

 

[eternaljourney]

You don't sound like a monster to me either

 

[peterjg]

I find this type of problem interesting, as I have been facing it myself.

I have been reading Freud and he says it is common to blame oneself for the fault of ex-loved ones who have failed us badly. One projects the faults of the loved one onto oneself, and we revel in the fault, taking no shame in it, because really we are blaming somebody else.

So perhaps you should ensure this does not apply to your situation. If it does, then your problem is something else than what you presented. Lets assume that you really are a bad friend.

Being a bad friend indicates a lack of empathy. You are either mixing with people who are not really your friends, or you are blocking your empathy for some reason. That you actually regret this indicates you would have innate empathy.

Do you actually like your friends? Have they done you any favours for which you feel thankful? Do you care if you hurt their feelings?

Assuming the answer is yes to the previous questions, the next question is, why are you blocking your empathy, so that you allow yourself to be a poor friend? Are you repressing something? Has somebody hurt you or bullied you?

You may get a clue if you can find some time when this fault started. Do you have other neurotic issues? Perhaps there is a particular incident that started the whole thing, that you cannot resolve because it conflicts with your basic belief system?

 

[eternaljourney]

Hi Fruitloop,

I've tried to reply to your PM but your blocked or set for no PMs now.
Just to let you know that I have tried to reply.

Eternal

 

[Fruit Loop]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and ideas. They had given me something to think about and work on. Back then I could not take on board anything positive about me. I had become an expert in turning all things into negatives.

I have had a long hard look at myself. Counselling became such a struggle for a while. I was so tempted to throw the towel in the ring and walk away. I felt like I had nothing to lose, I was worthless so I might as well carry on and totally destroy myself. My downward spiral continued and gathered pace. I hit a brick wall and shattered into pieces. There was then nothing left for me to destroy.

The next job was to sift through the pieces. To see where the negative thinking had started, the underlying causes, the root of it. I am having a hard time coming to terms with it and struggle with it most days.

The outcome is that for the time being I can see and accept the positive things people have said about me. I can weigh things up and just about get the balance right between positive and negative thinking and myself. I hope that with time the process becomes easier and one day automatic. This leads me back to square one, "Do I deserve to have any friends?"

The simple answer is yes.

Do I try to make contact with those I have lost?

Do I try to make new friends and how?

What do I look for in a friendship?

A good question. I guess work in progress at the moment. I think the answers to the other questions will be revealed as I resolve this one.

 

[riverofdragons]

Hi Fruit Loop,

Just to say...I am your friend and always will be...contact me when you are ready. I am not the best friend in the world but I will always do my best.

xx