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Do I deserve to die for what I did (OCD)

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lily014

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A couple years ago I suffered from pedophile OCD,I constantly worried about whether I was attracted to children and I couldn't figure it out. One day I couldn't cope with not knowing and I wanted to find out for sure whether I was a pedo or not, and in the heat of the moment I thought the only way to know would be to watch child porn. I went to my laptop and typed the words "child porn" into google, and I clicked on various links for around 10 minutes but I never found any child porn and eventually I stopped looking because the thought of watching children being abused distressed me and made me cry. I never wanted to see child porn I just felt desperate to get rid of my OCD and thought it would be the only way, like a reassurance thing.

I realised afterwards that if I'd watched child porn it would have been contributing to the abuse of a child, and I felt sick with guilt about it. Luckily I didn't find or view any child porn, but what if I had? I would have closed the browser straight away and never looked again, but it still would have been contributing to child abuse and I can't forgive myself for that. I also worry what other people would think. I told my friend about it and she told me that she considered reporting me to the police and told me not to work with children (I wanted to be a children's nurse). I am completely paralysed by guilt over this, I just want to die but I can't because it would hurt my family. I view myself as a sex offender and believe I belong in jail, in fact I might go and confess to the police to see if they will arrest me. All I've ever wanted to do is help other people, and now I can't even look at a child without feeling sick from guilt. Am I right to feel this amount of guilt? Or is it my OCD making me feel guilty? Please help.
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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I can sympatheise with you, I acted on urges çompletely against my nature and suffered the consequences of my actions. The main thin is you understand it is wrong and not acting on the urgrs is the trick :) I hope you can manage your way through :)
 
Jaminacaranda

Jaminacaranda

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I'm not sure about this 'oh it's my OCD that's to blame' thing...you make it sound like you are totally out of control yet blameless and frankly I don't think you should ever consider working with children. Whatever the reason for someone abusing a child - whether they are suffering from a mental health condition or not - doesn't make it any better for the child. You need to get help for yourself and in the real world, not just on a forum. This is what your predicament is telling you to do.
 
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coraline166

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I think this kind of fear is actually a fairly common kind of intrusive thought within OCD sufferers. It's strange how anxiety can manifest itself in these ways. I always wonder if it's partly connected to very low self esteem where you have trouble trusting yourself, plus a feeling of a lack of control, to the extent where obsessions of doing terrible things develop, seemingly out of nowhere. There doesn't seem to be that much conclusive information on OCD- as with many mental illnesses, I suppose.

I think I remember channel 4 focusing on a man with OCD who had this fear as one of his many intrusive thoughts when they broadcast the documentary "Bedlam", about inpatients in a London psychiatric hospital.

It is really difficult that you really need help for the level of distress you're experiencing yet risk people misunderstanding your issues and having that cause more problems for you.

I know you must be going through a horrible struggle with these thoughts and worries, but I definitely wouldn't make an internet search for anything like that again if I were you. I don't know if any action is taken when google detect certain search terms but obviously they have access to all searches - even when you delete them.

Sorry I can't help more. I hope you are getting treatment for your OCD generally.
 
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lily014

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I've been to therapy and they tell me that I haven't committed a criminal offense and that it's fairly common for people with OCD to look up images online as a form of reassurance. I mean obviously I'm not sexually attracted to children, and would never hurt them. I used to work with kids and loved it but I feel guilty and everything. I feel like I should probably kill myself but my parents said they'd be really upset.
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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No, you definitely shouldn't kill yourself because you have done this. I don't think it's appropriate to feel this amount of guilt, it seems a disproportionate amount of guilt to me, feeling so guilty you feel you 'should' kill yourself. I don't suffer OCD myself, but understand a little how it affects thought processes. I think you must try and believe what your therapist has said, that you haven't committed any offence, and that this is a common thing for people with obsessive thoughts to do, to seek reassurance that their fear of being attracted to children has no basis in reality by testing it out in this way. You've said you did it in a moment of absolute desperation to try and get rid of your OCD thoughts, and obviously realise now that it wasn't a wise thing to do. So, you are not a sex offender and do not deserve to be in jail, in my opinion. I understand it's not easy to simply choose to believe what your therapist said though, and that you can't simply choose not to be paralysed by guilt. Are you still getting treatment for your OCD? It sounds like you need more help to address these thoughts, are you able to go back to this therapist, and have you told anyone official that this guilt is making you feel suicidal? You deserve help with this, it must be horrible, and I don't think it's your fault you are having these thoughts.
 
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SarahD

SarahD

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Are you still having treatment? Since you are still experiencing a lot of distress over this, and suicidal thoughts, I think you still need help.
 
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lily014

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I recently had a three week stay in the psych hospital where they diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder on top of my OCD and depression, and they want to treat me for the personality disorder before looking at treating my OCD. I've tried to explain that my OCD is the main problem, but they don't seem to listen. I'm going to be getting dialectical behavioural therapy, do you think this might help with the OCD? I've just gone back on sertraline so I'm hoping it will help some.
 
SarahD

SarahD

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I don't have personal experience of DBT but have heard it is very good for,borderline personality disorder, so much that people with other disorders,choose,to use it too. It should help with managing emotions, and suicidal feelings I believe.

I am glad you are in treatment and hope they give you some good support.
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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I hope the DBT helps. I think it's the sort of thing where because there are different strands to it, different people find different parts of it the most helpful and applicable to them individually, so hopefully there will be parts you can relate to and utilise. I don't know if it specifically helps with OCD too, it must be frustrating that they won't hear you when you say it's your main problem. Have you asked them why they think it's important to treat the BPD first and the OCD second? Are you in the UK btw (you don't have to say)?
 
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southpaw04

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Apr 1, 2015
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I was at the dollar store and thought I may have knocked a piece of food off the shelf and bent/ damaged it and I left without buying it. When I was outside in my car, debating whether to leave or not, I felt as though I would be leaving the scene of a crime. I went back and told the employee in order to relieve my own guilt. He could have cared less and there I was having made myself out to be a criminal.

When I am in an obsession, I lack perspective. I cannot trust my thinking.

If a friend came to you and told you what you posted on here, would you think of her or him as a criminal or would you feel compassion for them and want them to not suffer from the guilt, shame and fear?
 
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daydreambeliever39

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You sound like you've got a form of OCD that is quite common actually, in various forms. About 10% of OCD sufferers worry about their sexual orientation, including me, but more than anything what convinces me I'm gay is other people's opinions on my sexuality. I'm a woman who is a bit too opinionated and I'm passionate about politics. I certainly don't fit into any box, and I don't obsess about my appearance. I didn't even clean my old flat! The worst thing is when you think other women are coming on to you.. you wonder why they think you are gay? This, of course, is all over analysing, wondering if I am attracted to women or not, constantly testing myself out when an image of a woman's naked body appears in a newspaper or magazine I am reading. But I've never fancied or fantasised about being with a woman in my life! It's all classic OCD.

You sound like you've got the same thing but related to children. It probably doesn't help that you wanted to be a children's nurse, because the one thing you really want will always be affected by the OCD. And guilt is exactly an OCD thing, I feel guilty about lots of things all of the time. It's almost like a punishment thing for me; if I really want to do something the OCD will hold me back from doing it, and if I don't want to do something, I don't have OCD for that at all. And reassurance? I need reassurance for everything, that bad things won't happen, that what I want will happen, and I have little 'tests' for getting reassurance. I think it would be obvious for you if you were a paedophile, like it would be obvious for me if I was a lesbian. You can almost guarantee that if you didn't really want to work with children, you wouldn't be worrying about this at all.

Don't worry, you didn't look the stuff up on the internet, and it is just OCD. But you should definitely seek help for it; there must be someone professional somewhere you can trust who can help you get through this and then you can do the kind of job you want. Just believe in yourself and have some self confidence, because doing something you truly enjoy will make you ultimately much happier and therefore more OCD free. If your friend is any friend at all she will understand what you're going through (maybe getting her to read about it might help) and offer you her support. If she's not someone you feel you can trust, then maybe she's not the best friend you could have and it may be worth moving (if that's possible for you) if this is crippling your life the way it is. A fresh start can be a good thing when the past is holding you back, especially if you can leave the OCD in the past too. Good luck. :)

Read this. It may help.Sexual Obsessions in OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) | CPBS (South Florida|Palm Beach) | Center for Psychological & Behavioral Science
 
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