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Do I Deserve The Verbal Abuse? (Long Post - Sorry!_

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Grotesque

Member
Joined
May 7, 2010
Messages
16
Location
Wisconsin
I joined this site a long time ago, spent a tiny bit of time here and left. I'm returning for good because I'm not doing so well and I truly think I need a support system of people who understand.

With that being said...

When my boyfriend and I first started dating, I told him I am bipolar. At the time, I was going through a really stable time mentally. I did sit him down and try to explain that it won't be easy and encouraged him to look up information about being with a bipolar person.

A little while down the line, things went downhill for me. He got to see the ugly side and I fully expected him to leave me. Instead, he sat me down and said, "Sweetheart. I thought about leaving you but I can't see myself without you. I'll stand by you." (Then he told me he loves me for the first time.)

I thought I had finally found a partner who would fight the fight with me. We fell madly in love and started a life together. When times are good, they are the things Shakespeare wrote about.

I really lose control of my emotions sometimes. I start fights, say things I don't mean, and get very verbally aggressive. All I can do is apologize when I calm down.

Whenever that happens, he retaliates and calls me horrible names. He uses strong verbal put downs when I have my "attacks" and I can't seem to shake them. I am started to feel defined by the names he calls me.

I've never felt so beat down and defeated in my life. I've never felt worse about myself in my life. It used to be when my depression would hit, it would last a couple days and the worst thing I would do would sit in a hot bath for HOURS.

Now, my depression is lasting months. I rarely shower and I can barely get out of bed. I truly hate myself. I never felt this way before he started calling me the names.

He tells me I deserve it because of the names I call him when I have my "attacks". I guess I do. I mean, if I do it, he should do it back right? I don't have the right to call him names.

Most of all, I want to stop yelling at him. When I get manic, I get highly irritable and sometimes I just start yelling at him. I don't mean what I say to him, but I lose control. I want to stop. How can I?

Does he have the right to call me names too? I really really wish he would stop because my self-esteem is rock bottom.

How can I get over the names he calls me?

PS. The names are really bad... beyond what someone normally calls a person in anger. If you want to know what they are, you will need to PM me, as I refuse to post them here.
 
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angel10

Well-known member
Joined
May 19, 2010
Messages
953
Location
derbyshire
I feel for you, my hubby doesn't understand bipolar and I think people will never understand til they have it. I don't believe in name calling I think its cruel. You can have an arguement without name calling. I think you need to sit him down and explain how its effecting you
 
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Grotesque

Member
Joined
May 7, 2010
Messages
16
Location
Wisconsin
I feel like such a hypocrite, angel10. I have sat him down and told him that. He always turns it back on me and says that he HAS to call me names - he has no choice.

I can't expect him to stop when I do the same to him. I can't control mine but that doesn't make it right. I wish I wasn't such a hypocrite. I feel like the biggest piece of garbage on the planet.
 
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angel10

Well-known member
Joined
May 19, 2010
Messages
953
Location
derbyshire
Don't be too hard on yourself hunni xx have you spoke about this to your cpn or pdoc?
 
OobieMoobie

OobieMoobie

ACCOUNT CLOSED
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Dec 14, 2011
Messages
1,395
Location
Essex
Hi Grotesque (I feel somewhat awkward calling you that! :p)

Sometimes it's impossible not to be angry at someone, even when you know they don't really have much control over their behaviour. It seems a little like his patience has gone. I find it tends to happen, people are a dream for a while but eventually they just can't keep at it anymore.

Sit down with him and have a proper discussion. Ask him how much he really understands your condition. Try and talk about it calmly, without it turning into an argument. Explain that you're hurting, both because you upset him and because he upsets you.

Do you live together? Perhaps it might be better if you live apart, at least untill your condition is a little more controlled. When you live with someone, no matter how much you love each other you piss eachother off. That's how life is. Combine that with bipolar disorder and it can't be easy.

He always turns it back on me and says that he HAS to call me names - he has no choice.
Sounds like a bit of a cop-out to me but I'll be forgiving. Perhaps you should formulate some kind of action plan for when the episodes hit. So instead of his arguing back at you you both agree to go to different rooms of the house or something.
 
G

Grotesque

Member
Joined
May 7, 2010
Messages
16
Location
Wisconsin
Don't be too hard on yourself hunni xx have you spoke about this to your cpn or pdoc?
I can't afford a doctor of any kind right now. I haven't seen one in around 10 years.

OobieMoobie - Thanks for the advice. I'll talk to him again tonight. I really can't afford to move out at the moment.
 
aleshadxcherylc

aleshadxcherylc

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 21, 2012
Messages
2,196
Location
Sandhurst, Berkshire
Hi there
Welcome back to the foroum well done for posting.
I think you need some more support have you got any counselling or therapy in your aera?.
So sorry i cant advise as i dont suffer from bi-polar but im sure there will be people on here who can advise and support you.
Hope you find the support you need soon.
Take care keep strong and keep talking
Katie
xx
 
greebobeebo

greebobeebo

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 3, 2009
Messages
1,015
Location
north norfolk
The biggest difference between you and your OH is, that he can control the name calling etc, you can't. It seems that he can't deal with your bi polar as well as he thought he could.

You are in the dark places of a genuine illness, what's his excuse? He is effectively abusing you.

My ex used to call me names, nothing too horrible, but it wasn't until I told my solicitor what he called me that I broke down and cried, I realised then, that although it appeared to be water off a ducks back, at the time, it affected me really badly.

Sit him down and explain to him that he is abusing a vulnerable adult!
 
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