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Divorce or stay?

M

mdt9111

New member
Joined
Jul 1, 2008
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4
Location
Florida
OK - I'll try to summarize my life in the first paragraph and then outline my question in the second:

My life - RN (nurse) by degree and first jobs were in ICU & ER. Past hx of OCD and depression, all managed well enough to move up a career ladder @ a large electronics company - make $86K/yr + company car and benefits (put in healthcare IT systems). Started having financial trouble again (yes - with that salary - it's possible), which made me realize after some research that maybe I am BP, not just OCD/depressed. A couple of months ago, I was diagnosed with BP I, although due to excessive spending numerous times over the past ten years, I always suspected I was manic @ times. I took Seroquel 75mg qPM at first, but led to psychotic ideations. Changed a few weeks ago to Equetro 200mg qPM. Also, still take Cymbalta 30mg qAM for the OCD. I have been married for 15+ years (only married once) and have a wonderful 11 y/o son.

My question - My wife has never been the most empathetic individual. She has always been a cup-half-empty person, while I am most definitely a cup-half-full person. The last couple of times I ran into financial debt, she simply chewed me out and thought I should call my elderly parents to help. I didn't - not their problem in my opinion. Plus, my father would likely give me (at my age of 40) a lecture, rather than trying to help me through a real mental issue. I have a family full of MH-ignorant folks. In other words, my support system is really lacking. I can talk to friends just fine; but, shouldn't I be able to do that w/ my wife? Isn't that an expectation of marriage? I feel like I'm willing to keep drugging myself more and more just to tolerate the lack of empathy in others. As a couple of examples, my wife tends to look away or walk away if I spend any more than 10-15 seconds on a topic. She blows up at the smallest things. And, as another example - she won't let my son keep toys out (have to be put away daily) or have a kitten (there's a new one in the neighborhood which he's been feeding and wants to keep. I'm OK w/ it; she's not). Everything has to be very routine and stable for her to be happy. I respect that; but, I'm not sure I can live with her anymore.

I fear losing my son and my home. Although regarding the home, I'd really be happy simplifying my life and living in a simple apartment, doing my photography, bike riding with my son, and petting the kitten w/ my son (he could have one at my place because I like caring for things, unlike my spouse).

Thanks in advance for the advice.
 
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C

cookie34

Member
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Jul 1, 2008
Messages
7
Location
Bd area
Hello

Hi Mdt,

You have gone through an awful experience and struggling to come out the other side!

I can see how much you are desperate for a bit of compassion from your wife, just a moment where you recognise she is actually listening to what you are saying . A moment when she will notice that you exist and can see how her being their for you would create such a better place for you to be.

It is obvious from your words that you are not happy, but equally that you are scared of losing the normality of a home, wife and son gives to you. However , i can only see more struggles ahead for you in that environment and feel that everyone deserves to be who they truly are and want to be.

Leaving a situation is always hard, but if you are to flourish you need to do what makes you happy!!!


Take care,

Caroline :grouphug:
 
J

jamesdean

Guest
i think cookie34

has given some sound advice but only u can make the decision 4 yourself best wishes jd
 
D

Dollit

Guest
Unfortunately ending a marriage is one of those problems which you find out if it was the right decision after you've done it.

I came out of a long (13 years) relationship on New Years Eve 2006. I found myself sat on my own again, having spent all the previous ones alone because he wouldn't leave his mother who also conveniently fell ill each time I had a birthday. I realised that I hadn't loved him for a long time and that it had to end that day. It took me 3 years to get to that point and 18 months to make the break once I'd realised it was effectively over. It was a hard decision because what had started as a healthy relationship had become a co-dependency. I thought because he told me he loved me six times a day then he did. Eventually I looked at the year ahead and knew I couldn't spend any of it with him and rang him on New Years Eve and broke up with him. Even though it was the right decision it was painful and I missed him quite a bit to begin with.

I don't know if that helps but relationships are complicated!
 
M

mdt9111

New member
Joined
Jul 1, 2008
Messages
4
Location
Florida
It's the little things....

First off, thank you all for the kind and thoughtful replies. I really appreciate the effort you took and compasion you showed.

Regarding impending signs of a relationship-split, I think it's the little things more than the big things in life that show signs of a problem. For example, things like:

- The kitten (mentioned above)
- Not being listened to / she rules the roost here
- Almost constant negativity (cup half empty mentality). She's a nurse too, and reads forums like 'I hate nursing.com'. She constantly complains about work, but won't change.
- I can tell she's irritated when I show joy over something. Ex - Went to Kennedy Space Center with her and my son a few months back. I was really excited, like a kid. She simply looked pissed and bored the whole day.
- She's said she 'wished she could give me more Rx', when I stated I was anxious. I don't ever hear: 'How can I help you?'

Anyway, I could ramble on. But, right now, I'm just not sure if I'm being oversensistive and really need more Rx, or just need a new life. I do see the cup as half-full and realize that this can get better. I just don't know if better is via Rx or change.

BTW - A bit about finances: My last 'trist' w/ debt ended in 2006, but, I've been struggling to get out since then. About that time was when I realized that I was manic as well as depressed, hence bipolar. So, I finally sought help for bipolar and haven't run up any new debts since then (still fighting to get rid of the old debt though). But, I also have never told my wife about my finances because she will go ballistic. Like I say, she lives life with a cup half empty. Whereas I see that I've made great strides, she will focus on what I 'did'. I just want to start over w/ my finances and move on. I've even contemplated suicide, so that my family could have the life insurance. But, I could not do that to my son.

Thanks for listening.

Mark T.
 
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icetsunami

icetsunami

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As an objective outsider I would say that talking, mediation and counselling are the way to go. After that nobody can say you didn't at least try to save your marriage. Good luck to you.
 
A

Anne1971

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May 29, 2008
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It is a difficult situation you are in. I am lucky that my boyfriend is really supportive or as supportive as he can although he still doesn't understand why he just 'can't make me happy'. I know he loves me and I love him but at the same time its more of a best of friends and I completely trust him. He has his problems too which I've recently spoken a little about and although I don't want to lose him I don't think we can continue the way we are although I think we will always be the closest of friends. As has been said you won't know if its the right thing until after.

I guess that not much help really but just me feelins, sorry
 
ellamental

ellamental

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divorce or not

Hello Mark
dont contemplate suicide because your relationship is wrong becasue it wont always be like this. Mediation and counselling are, I think nowadays as much about sorting things out well for the children and for yourselves even if it does end in divorce so might be worth a crack?

Like you, recently diagnosed with bipolar although have known this in some level for many years.

Of course you should expect understanding from you partner and not feel that she is miserable when you are happy about something.

I was in married for many years and we could not have been more different and both behaved badly because we were unhappy and simply saw things differently. My mentle health has improved since leaving, the bp will never go completely I dont think but I feel I have put myself in the best environment and reduced the stress as much as I am able to give myself a good chance. Although my current realtionship is complicated in other ways he is supportive and understanding where my head is concerned and just gets me, if he doesn't understand it he wraps me in a duvet and love and waits for it to pass. When I am low I compare it to Sad Liza (Cat Stevens).

Good luck and keep us posted fellow bper :grouphug:
 
M

maudikie

Guest
MDT

You sound ina bit of a pickle! Have you considered gettin a coucellor to talk to both of you - possibly marriage guidance coucellor? It seems to me that your wife may be in need of some help herself, and if you could talk things through withsomeone who is not personally involved, they might be able to put a finger on the root of the matter. I am sure that you have enough on your late with bi-P.. and I am so glad that you find consolation in your son, But the whole wituation must be echoing on him to some extent. I think you need some outside help and advice. Think about it.
 
C

cookie34

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Jul 1, 2008
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Bd area
I agree

Yes, I totally agree with the advice about seeing a counselllor, if you think your wife will do so, then go together, but if not just get a counsellor who will listen to how you are in the Here and Now! I have had clients come to me , who are in situations quite similar were they get no, compassion or understanding from their partner! Just having someone value what you say and how you feel might help you clarify things for yourself and find a way forward!

It may well be a difficult journey, but just having that hour for yourself and your thoughts, having someone who wont judge what you say or offer advice might just be what you need right now!

Good luck and I hope in time , things work out right for you

Caroline x:hug:
 
Norabella

Norabella

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Sep 19, 2008
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England
I 'did'. I just want to start over w/ my finances and move on. I've even contemplated suicide, so that my family could have the life insurance. But, I could not do that to my son.

Thanks for listening.

Mark T.
Don't do that mate apart from the bleedin' obvious (your son, waste of life etc) they don't pay out insurance if you commit suicide.

:flowers:
 
blackdog

blackdog

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Hi, I think it's good advice to see a counsellor so that things can be discussed and you can perhaps gain a better insight into the way forward. As a father my first priority would be my son, as I'm sure yours is, and if, in the end it is better for him and you that you move out so be it. Take care and good luck.
 
ellamental

ellamental

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hey mark
was just clearing out my nearlly 2000 emails and came across this mhf thread again and started wondering how you were now...did you live simply with the kitten in the appartment? hows things?
ella
 
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