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Disturbing OCD thoughts keep forcing invasive thoughts into my head and I cant control it

N

Needsolace98

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Joined
Aug 7, 2021
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1
Location
Singapore
I have experienced OCD throughout most of my life in various forms. But this is the worst. I am constantly worried about the health of my mom and grandmother. About 6 years back when the worrying was much much worse, I needed to reassure myself that everything would be ok. Its started off as a personal mantra to calm my anxiety. I created mental phrases that I would repeat as small prayers and as personal solace whenever the worrying and anxiety occured, and it kinda pulled me through.

Those mental phrases never disappeared, and after a few years they started to automatically occur at random, or during certain stimuli most commonly whenever I saw girls I had an attraction to. I also feel compelled to think of those phrases, and sometimes visualize them into words as if to satisfy "something" otherwise something bad would occur....

Then things took a really weird and disturbing twist. Recently in the past couple of years, the thoughts have evolved for some reason into somewhat incestous thoughts involving my mother. *Disclaimer* I am not such a person, and have never and will be among thee ranks. I have never volutarily even entertain such thoughts in a positive light to the remotest. I think its one of the most disgusting and vile things imaginable. Even whilst typing this and just thinking anything related to incest especially with your parents makes me sick to the stomach....

The thoughts mainly occur when I see someone whom I feel "sexual attraction" towards, such as my crushes (social media or in real life), especially porn *yes I watch abit now and then*, even reading about sexual relations in news and stories triggers the OCD thoughts.... Basically, imagery of my mom's face overlays onto the girls face or thoughts of my mom performing sexual acts flood into my conscious thoughts which were already engrossed in anything I am focusing on. When this happens, any pure thoughts/feelings/emotions I am experiencing ( I literally mean normal thoughts not anything dirty! ) get washed up in vileness and it ruins everything for me. Its really hard to describe how my thoughts when it happens, just that the incestous thoughts get associated with thoughts of the girl and I just feel compelled to abandon the thought. It feels so dirty and disgusting and I hate myself for even picturing it.

I never intend to think these thoughts up in any case. Its always almost as if there is a second mind within mine just constantly churning out these thoughts against my will. For example there was a recent story of a man who raped his own elderly mother published in the news. I felt like vomitting afer reading through it. But now my OCD has included it into the number of disturbing thoughts projects into my mind. Like "Oh? This is something you dont want to even think of as it makes you feel dirty? Lets try to risk let me push this vile thought into your mind whenever you see the girl you love"

Sorry for the long read. I just really wanted to get this off my chest. What does anyone here think? Has anyone here faced this before?
 
jajingna

jajingna

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 31, 2020
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6,423
Location
Canada
I believe unwanted thoughts happen to most people sometimes. Throughout the course of any day, a thousand different things go on, and some of it is like, what the hell? But some of us have more than just a few unwanted thoughts. We have them often and they're distressing. I don't know what can be done about them. I just find they are less intrusive when I'm feeling OK, rested, not stressed or anxious much.
 
Paralysisgaze

Paralysisgaze

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Joined
Aug 9, 2021
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4
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10462
This will just be my opinion, please don't take offense to it. You have to stop being afraid of thoughts. You can't control them, they say nothing about your morality and they are not doing anything to you in the moment. Don't treat them like threats, treat them like any other thoughts. Do not respond to them. Just relax when they appear. If you do respond to them try to accept the thoughts, do not avoid them. Don't let them scare you ever. As the thoughts become less of a threat, it shouldn't be a problem to have them. They should become less frequent. This is what I've been trying, good luck.
 
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