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Disturbing nightmares and feeling like nothing is real

moyet

moyet

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***TRIGGER WARNING****


Not posted for a while. Just been surviving life one day at a time. Attempted suicide and ended up in hospital before Xmas and think I've been in shock. Still waiting for therapy, for childhood trauma. Dream about it every night. Wake up early in the morning between 4-6am sometimes have a nap in the daytime but think that's my medication. Have a psychiatrist and social worker but everyone agrees it's psychotherapy that's going to help. All the tablets in the world won't.

Keep dreaming about suicide. This is what happened before Xmas when I attempted before. Woke up one day and in a haze decided to do it, didn't ask for help and came very close to being successful. Can't say I'm scared. Feels inevitable. I'll eventually die that way. I won't see old age. There's nothing normal about me. Living and dying as others do is no different. It'll happen one day.

Nothing seems real. Just want to be alone. No thinking or ruminating. just nothing. When unconscious during my last attempt, that's what I had. No light at the end of a tunnel. Just no awareness. And this feels so appealing. Rather than this fight. Total apathy. Having conversations or doing things I can't remember.

I'm carrying this huge weight in my Mind. And I can't share it. Told my social worker something thus week and feel so embarrassed and ashamed. Also worrying I've disgusted her, or it's too much for her to take on. She's been great, but I don't want to scare her off.

Apologies for the non-sensical ramblings.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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What your saying isn't nonsense and you don't need to apologise.
It seems that feeling that you ought to be sorry for what you need to express is bit of a theme for you, what with how you felt after speaking to the social worker.:hug1:

What I will say is that it is part of her job. It is her role to listen to you and I bet a lot of professionals have already heard a lot of horror stories. I doubt anything you say would shock her.

I'm sorry to hear you made an attempt and were nearly successful. :sorry:
The numbness you feel, the lack of drive and being unable to remember things to me sound like there's a big part of you that isn't present in every day life.
And that's quite a common thing for people who have had traumatic experiences.. it's too painful to be fully present and so your brain switches down to a certain extent.

I really hope you're not waiting too long for a therapist and that when you do start therapy, that the therapist is someone you can trust and really talk to.
 
catkin

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moyet, I get this, completely makes sense. self disgust here too, feel I will infect others if I disclose, waiting to be allowed therapy. I'm sorry, really, I hope therapy is soon for you and that it helps. xx
 
moyet

moyet

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Thanks guys. I rang her yesterday (I am able to do that if needed, as I said she's great) and told her what's happening. She reassured me she was ok. And took it as a sign of trust I'd told her. I do trust her, I just can't believe I told her what I did. Saying things out loud makes them more real. And it hurt. As well as the shame.

I slept longer last night. Kept waking up but managed to go back to sleep. Crazy vivid dreams again. But slept more hours. Which can only be good.

I like what you said catkin, about infecting others. It's so true. That somehow I'm full of poison that I want to get out but the fear is it's part of my DNA and will never be out of my system as it's who I am. And that it'll damage others. And as much as I try I can't quiet that voice that tells me it's hopeless.
 
AliceinWonderland

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Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time of it moyet. Sending hugs ((( moyet))) x
 
prairiechick

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Moyet, it sounds like whatever trauma happened to you as a child has left you feeling deeply ashamed. I just hope that you will some day be able to know deep in your heart that whatever someone else did to you does NOT make you a bad, dirty, contaminated, shameful person. I know that's a lot easier said than done. I also struggle with deep feelings of shame about who I am.
 
moyet

moyet

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My rational intellectual side knows you're right prairie, but that deep voice inside my gut just won't accept or believe it. That feeling of being different from everyone else and totally beyond help just won't go away. I did have some therapy last year but it was only ever going to be brief. I was given some coping strategies and it was a chance to prepare for the next step but still waiting. And every day just passes in a blur. I feel sometimes like I'm going to disappear completely. And that Everyone else is engaging in life whilst I'm in a haze.
I do appreciate you all sharing your experiences on this post. It's reassuring to know there's others who can relate and feel the same
 
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