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Dissociation

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Blackrose09

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An abusive person in my life changed me over the years. I dissociate if I do something I enjoy or if I treat myself with respect, if I take care of myself. It is very exhausting. I'm so used to be masochistic to the point I dissociate if Im taking care of myself.
I don't know if what I wrote makes sense I can't focus and I can barley think.
 
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Blackrose09

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I'm not allowed to move forward in my life by my inconcious mind, only allowed to sabotage my happiness my life. It is such a huge effort to love yourself and treat yourself normally. I can't do it anymore.
 
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Blackrose09

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I just WANT PEACE. I can't deal with something reminding me of this person or I will hurt or sabotage myself.

I need to escape the city the country I'm living because it reminds of this person.

I don't want to remember about this person. So moving it will help me forget
 
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Blackrose09

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I can't escape this place because of covid
 
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Blackrose09

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I took a break from work
I have to start it again Monday
I m malnourished
Didn't slept well for to long
I can't function
But I have to go
I need money

Please tell me I can do it
 
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Blackrose09

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My doctor said I find, invent reasons as "being ill" to not go to work.

That hurt.
 
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Blackrose09

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I can't stop stessing about work.
I don't think I can make it
 
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Blackrose09

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Really was that me writing all these?

I'm not that sensible and fragile.
 
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Blackrose09

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I dissociate between mania and depression.
Depression is a person mania is another person.
 
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Blackrose09

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I belive I have dementia

I was at the best neuropsychiatrist prof doctor in this area

He did not know how to help anymore so he blamed me for my illness
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

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It is really making me angry that doctors have treated you so badly. They seem to have no understanding of mental illness at all. To say you are to blame for being unwell is disgusting! You have been abused, kidnapped and suffered so much trauma. All you know is pain and people using you. It is clear to me that causes a person to be unwell. I am in awe of you for being able to work despite all you go through. I myself have been unable to work for many years.
 
Lance__

Lance__

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I belive I have dementia

I was at the best neuropsychiatrist prof doctor in this area

He did not know how to help anymore so he blamed me for my illness
That is horrible. Instead of helping you the doctors are re-traumatizing you by blaming you, as if you haven't suffered enough. I hope you can find a caring and sensitive therapist to help you, you deserve it :hug:
If I may ask, when you dissociate when you are feeling happy or enjoying something for yourself, do you also lose the track of time? Like you don't know what has happened? Or it is more like dissociating from emotions?
 
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Blackrose09

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That is horrible. Instead of helping you the doctors are re-traumatizing you by blaming you, as if you haven't suffered enough. I hope you can find a caring and sensitive therapist to help you, you deserve it
Thank you so much this meant a lot to me.

The last doctor asked me if I'm sure if those traumatic memories are real. Yes I am. But sometimes I'm not aware of them or I think it was my fault (depression lies making it all my fault) or find excuses for those people.

Yes, I do loose track of time and is very hard to remember what I did when I was feeling sad or other emotions. I am a bit aware I stop activities I did when depressed and do something different and think like a complete different person.

I do not always feel happy. I can be different. Extreme peace, complete control, extremely calculated, very cold emotionally with chills on my body. This must be my "flat emotions mania".
 
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