Discussing euthanasia

V

Viktoria

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#21
Thanks Lu and Marliee.

I just lied to a nurse saying that someone already locked my bathroom door. She went to check and found out it was still open. She said 'come to your room'. I said 'no'. She sent everybody out of the living room and said it again, 'come to your room'. So I followed her. She said 'This morning we agreed that if we see you unwell, you stay in your room for an hour, and lying about the bathroom door being locked is not funny, it's very serious and you're going to stay in your room for an hour'. I said 'It wasn't meant to be funny, I just want the door to be open'.

I crave a cigarette but gonna have to wait a while.........
 
SoggySlippers

SoggySlippers

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#23
Hi Viktoria,I would like to ask you a few questions,if that's okay....

If you could have a 'perfect' life,what would it look like?

What are your goals?

What are your problems in this exact moment in time?Not anything from the past,not anything that could or might happen in the future,I mean right now,in this moment

If you could change one thing about yourself,what would it be?
 
V

Viktoria

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#24
If you could have a 'perfect' life,what would it look like?
I would still be with my ex, studying in England, trying for a baby and getting married.

What are your goals?
Being given euthanasia.

What are your problems in this exact moment in time?Not anything from the past,not anything that could or might happen in the future,I mean right now,in this moment
Depression, being suicidal, being sectioned and being forced medication.

If you could change one thing about yourself,what would it be?
I'd get rid of my depression.

So I spoke to the hospital GP today and we discussed the steps that I need to take to get euthanasia. It's a tough road but rather than someone being traumatised by finding me dead somewhere, I'd like to do it in a peaceful way with my family by my side. I need to write a letter first, then it will be discussed by the staff, then there will be a second opinion and any treatment that needs to be tried first (probably ECT) and then a decision will be made as to whether I can get euthanasia.

Last night I attempted suicide again. A patient found me. I was taken to seclusion again for the night and now I have to be in my bedroom whenever staff are on a break or having a meeting and I'm not allowed in the garden anymore.
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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#25
Victoria I'm sorry but considering you are talking to the doctors for better solutions than a trumatic end to your life, why are you continuing to try for that exact thing you don't want to happen. You can't blame staff for doing what they are doing to try to keep you safe when they can't turn they're backs on you for a moment without you making an attempt. You are not helping yourself by doing this, when are you going to try helping yourself instead of hurting yourself. This is very irrational. I feel so bad for your suffering. Please, please try to help yourself, for you, for your brother and for your family. You must stop yourself from doing this.
 
Yellowbrickbridge

Yellowbrickbridge

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#26
Viktoria, I cried when reading your story I know this probably wont make you feel better but I hope there is an after life where we will find peace if you do choose euthanasia.

Jonny
 
Kerome

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#27
I agree Gajolene, I also think Viktoria is behaving irrationally, that there has been a kind of breakdown between her stated goals and what she actually does. It doesn't speak of a healthy state of mind.

If you look at the answers to SoggySlippers' questions, that perfect life - a potential husband, a baby, study - is not out of reach. There is no reason that if the depression can be untangled that life could look like that in a few years time. So what is driving the urge to commit suicide?

Viktoria dear, life could still be good, if you can get past this difficult period. I hope you can find some happiness and let go of some of the things that plague you.

Big hugs :hug:
 
V

Viktoria

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#28
Thanks all of you.

I have suffered from depression for thirteen years (since the age of nine) and although I have had better periods, it always catches up with me. I've tried a dozen medication and therapy (EMDR, Schema-based therapy, CBT, psychotherapy) and I've had numerous admissions voluntary and involuntary.

Can you understand that I am tired of getting up in the morning thinking 'there we go again'?
 
Kerome

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#29
It makes me wonder how you would do in a radically different environment, maybe as a nun for a few years in a Buddhist monastery in the Himalayas. Have you ever considered something like that, just throwing off the yoke of the modern life, the therapy, the depression and finding a new kind of fellowship and friendship in a totally different place?
 
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Viktoria

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#30
Never done that and don't think I want to... but thanks for the suggestion.
 
Gajolene

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#31
Yes I do understand, depression and trauma memories has been with me my whole life Victoria, and I'm 50.

I still very much believe life can turn around for you and you can overcome all of this, just believe in yourself and keep trying, you are young and your illness is going to change and get milder in time. Who knows maybe they will find meds in a unique combination that will work for you yet and help with the depression side of things and eliminate the voices that harm you.

It's exhausting and it's hard work, but it's worth fighting for your health and for something better for your future in this world.
 
V

Viktoria

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#32
But can you imagine depression for thirteen years, where everyday feels worse than the last? It's draining... It never stops.
 
Gajolene

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#33
Yes and I did as well into my mid-twenties and had no idea how to stop it, memories came back in my mid twenties that helped me see the truth of my illness and depression. the true sources and how it all came to be and more importantly that I COULD still change things. At 20 and 21 I never saw it or a way out. I didn't suffer with voices and didn't self harm but always was in constant fear and deep black suicidal depression. I prayed as you do for the end back then. Always in grief and dispair, scared, feeling no one could possibly understand or help every waking moment. But it changed, remembering the truth changed it for me and I fought my way back to hope, and forgiving myself. But that didn't happen till around 25 and up to 28 for me. I know it can change for you no matter how bleak things seem right now. I didn't have any help or mental health services back then to help at all. You have so much help available to you now, if you believe and are willing to fight for health instead of death it can all change.

Super massive hugs Victoria, I believe in you. :hug1:
 
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V

Viktoria

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#34
Thanks Gajolene.

I don't really know what to say right now - just thanks.
 
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Christobel

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#35
Viktoria, I know how you are having a really monumental struggle at the moment, but I can tell you that I am living proof that there is light at the end of the tunnel. For fifteen years I struggled with the disorder schizoaffective/depressive type and more than once attempted suicide, two of those times when I was hospitalised. In the end I did find the right medication (Lithium) which worked for me. I'm not going to evangelise about it, because it had some drawbacks, but it certainly helped me when I started taking it five years ago.

Like you, I thought about euthanasia when the struggle felt unbearable, but I am so glad I held To life.
 
V

Viktoria

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#36
I've been fighting for thirteen years, with my symptoms getting gradually worse along the course.
Today I spoke to the head of the ward and she said soon they are going to unlock my bathroom again, after they have spoken to my dad to see he's okay with it - accepting the fact that they could find me dead (her words, not mine).
She urged me not to attempt in the garden anymore because it traumatises already ill patients if they find me - it's not fun for staff to find me either, she said, but at least they are trained professionals.
She also said I have the GP's full support in the process up to euthanasia.
 
M

MarlieeB

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#39
I have to admit, I do find it upsetting reading about what she said about the bathroom. I don't mean to sound bad when I ask this but...

When you say about accepting that they could find you dead, did she actually say that or have you mis read what she said?
 
H

Harper

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#40
Hi Viktoria,

The confusion is about you receiving the full support of your GP wrt Euthanasia.

If you are deemed to have full mental capacity to make decisions about your health then why are you in a locked ward, on a section?

Please do not take this as a criticism because it is not meant in this way. But, if someone was fighting for their right to die under the circumstances that you find yourself in - you may feel a little perplexed if a professional was agreeing with that person.

If it was a relative of yours I am sure you would feel a little anxious about this and on other hand if the staff are humouring you and you are colluding with this then I can understand all the complexities involved in this also.

Please keep yourself safe.

xx Harper