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Difficult Journeys and Coming Home

M

matt

Active member
Joined
Dec 18, 2008
Messages
25
For the purpose of understanding I wish to share. My experience with depression became progressive. I was to the point that I could not help myself when I was diagnosed with major depression. A day with major goes something like this(at least for me). Get out of bed in the morning , start drinking coffee and sit doing nothing else. Pointless and repetitive thoughts racing in my mind that will not stop, much like a skipping record or cd. My hips and back hurt. The house was a disaster area!
Drag my butt into the bathroom, brush my teeth ,maybe wash my face and hair.... maybe not.More coffee. Drive to work and walk in without saying a word to anyone. More coffee. Try to work , try to concentrate.....impossible. Drive home and sit in "the chair" and do nothing, not even watch TV till bedtime. Realize at 11:00 pm I had not ate a thing all day, open the fridge....no food because I never went to the supermarket. Go to bed, toss and turn, can't sleep.... get up in the morning and try to do it again while asking myself why even try to live in such a world.
My world and life had become a huge mass of meaningless "Gray". I had lost almost 30 pounds and looked like a druggy, fact is many people thought I had become involved with drugs.
I finally went to my GP....he took a look at me and said "Matt you are a mess" We discussed eating and the inability to sleep and also depression.
His first and most important script(according to him) was exercise. He suggested starting a workout program and making it a difficult one with goals.
He gave me a script for ambian so I could sleep and asked me if I was interested in an anti depressant.I agreed to both. He wanted to see me the next week....fine.He asked me to keep a log of my sleep time and what I ate for a week.
A week later I was back. My sleep log went like this, 9 hours of sleep in one week. I was down more weight and slipping more into the dark world.
Doc doubled my dose of ambian and also prescribed a tranquilizer to take at bedtime.See you in another week. The next week I had slept 28 hour and I did have much more energy. I had not lost any more weight either. This went on for 8 weekly visits to my GP then progressed to visits every other week.
at week six I was up 10 pounds and I was taken off the tranquilizers.
At that point I went to walmart, actually I do not remember the drive there at all, I found myself in the paint section. Time to change things at home!
In two weeks I had painted every room in the house. My workouts had become so important to me also. Grab the MP3 player and go to the gym!
Eating habits began to revolve around working out. Within 3 months my body was transformed to something I never thought I could achieve! Time to shop for new clothes!
None of this was easy.Depression is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. At 4 months into my recovery I was diagnosed with Melanoma( skin cancer)....I looked at the Doctor and recalled saying...."Big deal! lets cut it off now and be through with it!" My family found out about the cancer incident and flocked to me with all kinds of concern and advise. I thought to myself" wonder where they were during the last 6 months while I was depressed".
At 8 months I was taken off the anti depressant.My life had become "ALMOST" normal again. As of 4 moths ago I was put back on an anti , I saw the signs and recognized I was becoming depressed again and wanted to stop it before it became serious.
I have never been to talk therapy. I do hang and talk with people who have depression and anxiety and we talk often among our selves. I did experience anxiety once, on afternoon I felt very different , everything seemed out of control in my mind and my thoughts were racing. To compare it to depression is not fair, what I am saying is it was not at all what I thought it was like. I think it is just as serious if not maybe more serious due to the "fright" factor that comes with anxiety.
At this point in life I have goals again and life has meaning.I smile, joke, interact with others, work hard and also enjoy hobbies.
I have identified my negative triggers and I respect them, I also avoid them at all cost! I also know my positive triggers and I seek them out and use them to my advantage every day.
Through all of this journey I will tell you that others became very critical of me.You may not find concern or help from people who have never been there. You will find help from the people that do understand because they have been there...seek these people out....you will be glad you did! As for the people who do not understand, I am happy for them....I just wish they were more open minded as to what is happening to people that suffer.
 
KP1

KP1

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2008
Messages
1,500
Good description of how you felt Matt. Good luck for your continued recovery.
KP
 
J

jamesdean

Guest
I have read your post matt and like kp1 I would just like to say good luck in your continued recovery
 
M

matt

Active member
Joined
Dec 18, 2008
Messages
25
What is KP1 ? Hows the weather across the pond? I am in the usa.
 
Behind The Sun

Behind The Sun

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 18, 2008
Messages
930
Location
North East UK
My hat goes off to you Matt and i wish you well ,take care (y) :)
 
KP1

KP1

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2008
Messages
1,500
Hi Matt KP1 is just my log in name for forum, sorry I wasan't very imaginative.
The weather is cold here Matt how is it in your part of the US?I thought your doctor sounded very good seeing you weekly when you needed it most. With ours they may be good but i don't think its that often that they say see me weekly and form such a good recovery plan with you.KP
 
M

matt

Active member
Joined
Dec 18, 2008
Messages
25
Lots of snow here! Cold!
My Doc was amazing for A GP. I live in a very small town and Doc grew up here. He is younger than me . Think he was 32at the time . The weekly trips to see him were to make sure I was not slipping more or possibly gaining . I am sure he would have referred me if need be . He made it a point to invite all of his patients to a party he had that summer..... He told me if I did not show he would come find me..... Just a great guy with a good bedside manner and concern. His best advise for me was to start a workout program..... he was right. His point was the high from the endorphins and looking better makes you feel better. Endorphins..... gotta love em!
 
KP1

KP1

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2008
Messages
1,500
He sounds lovely can we have him over here please.
Take care and have a lovely Christmas.
KP
 
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