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Didn't know where else to post...

A

Adriana

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What I am going to say first may seem baffling, but I have always been into Sartre and he said "Hell is other people" and although often this is misconstrued, I know this is true to my case. People don't understand me when I express myself because I often use euphemisms to explain how I feel... I cannot quite say it how it is, for example, I will say "I don't feel well" when what I really mean is "I feel like my head and chest are being crushed by the force of my emotions and I cannot deal with it anymore." And I expect people to understand?

So far I am spending everyday in my room, crying, fighting with myself because I don't want to be like this and yet at the same time, the weight of futility and nothingness just presses down on my shoulders. I feel like I am stuck in this vicious cycle of nothingness and dread. I have a friend who keeps telling me they are going to take their own life and each time my heart is pulled to shreds and being already in a bad place myself, I just get engulfed in this despair and hopeless vacuum which is my life at the moment. And other friends to are all going in that direction and I can't burden them with my problems anymore, it has already pushed so many away. And with that, with having no one to really help me and no one else I really trust in addition to the purposelessness I feel every single day, I am not left with much to go by.

Then, not only to add to my already inherent emotions, and being amplified by the fact that I have always been considered oversensitive. My school had torn to shreds any confidence I could have possessed and then people too. I don't know why, and when I ask people why they antagonise me they don't really know why either, they just say 'you just have that face' or 'you just seem easy to antagonise', 'we know you can take a joke'. Yet is it wrong that being tormented day after day doesn't feel like a joke to me? That the constant comments about what I eat has made me to not be able to eat in front of anyone anymore? Then thinking you trust someone, even if online, confide in them to them to then emotionally abuse you, use everything you told them against you and threaten to ruin you life. Its stuff which I know I should move past and often I am able to put it behind me, but I cannot deny that it doesn't affect me every single day. I cannot deny that it still floats in my head.

I know much of what I said sounds incoherent and mostly pathetic. My friends have told me to go speak to a GP- but my intense distrust won't allow me to. But I cannot describe how desperate I am right now. Every single day is so hard for me and I cannot see a way past of it. I have moments of joy, but they are the most fleeting, elusive experiences which I have not seen in a long time. And I am quite aware that as I sit here, I look for something to end these feelings. Some breakthrough, I don't know what. But I fear it won't go away.
 
Toasted Crumpet

Toasted Crumpet

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Hi I just wanted to say :welcome: and that I get where you are coming from with the "hell is other people" sentiment.

I'm sorry you've had your trust abused and been treated like a figure of fun, that sort of stuff stays with you I know.

You don't sound pathetic to me at all and it is difficult to explain to people what it means to live with this kind of distress. It does sound like you could do with someone to talk to. I hope being on here and sharing with us will give you some more confidence to maybe approach someone like a therapist if that's what you'd like.

Oh, and I really really hate people making comments about what I eat too - I don't know why people do it, it's really annoying and unnecessary! x
 
A

Adriana

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Thank you so much for this, it is nice when you know other people understand. It removes that loneliness attached with it.
Yes, it stays with you and kind of perpetuates those negative emotions that come with it, really.

Thank you so much for understanding and your kind words. x

Ps. Also, I 100% agree, it is annoying, unnecessary and actually causes more harm than anything (more than people realise!)
 
prairiechick

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You don't sound incoherent or pathetic at all. You sound like you have been through a lot and are in a lot of pain. I know how hard it is to feel like there is no one you can talk to because everyone else is already over-burdened and can't handle hearing your difficulties. That is such a lonely and desperate place to be. It can leave you feeling resentful that you have to be okay for everyone else even though you feel like you're dying inside. At least, that's how it is for me. I don't want to project what I feel onto you. I just want you to know I really feel for the position you are in.

It sounds to me like you are being bullied at school. Food can be such a complicated thing, and it sounds like people are shaming you about food. I am really sorry that is happening to you. Is there a guidance counsellor at your school that you could talk to about that? These days bullying is on a lot of people's radars, because there has been so much in the media about it, so hopefully someone at your school knows how to handle those kinds of situations.

I am glad that you reached out on this forum. Sometimes it's easier to "talk" about stuff when you can be anonymous. And maybe for you, this is the first step in getting help.
 
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