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DID, Anyone?

Q

quantumnal

Member
Joined
Jul 13, 2018
Messages
22
Location
Missouri
I didn't see DID on the list of forums so the post told me to come here. I know it's quite an uncommon diagnosis, that's why it's been so hard to find someone who can share what the experience of having DID is like so I can help my mom.

Mom is undiagnosed, but DID is evident. My sisters and I have seen five distinct alters, who I have named in order to talk about them. There's a Zealot, a religious fanatic whose purpose is to save souls. Zealot is out most of the time now and has been the prominent figure for most of my life. There's an Internally Homicidal Godd, the only one with a name (Daddy, Zealot calls him), who keeps in close contact with Zealot, who seems to think he is actually Jesus Christ's father. Or maybe they're just in cahoots, not sure. He gives her prophecies that never come true and makes sure that Zealot alienates everyone that loves mom so he can have her to himself.
There's Despot Titan, a very aggressive man with no eyebrows, darker eyes and complexion than my mom, and a deep voice. He's the Protector that keeps mom away from the knowledge that she is more than one. He is frightening, the one I fear the most. There's a five year old Little who once shared with me the day that she shattered, and there's my mom, the host. These last two are the only two that don't despise me.

I've only ever met my mom once in 40 years, but I had her for almost a whole year! She's the most kind, funny person, and she loves me. I was so thankful for meeting her because now that Zealot is back out, it seems possibly even for good, I can rest assured that mom is not the one that did those things to us. I can deal with her alters better now because they're just really unhappy people that I barely see, and I don't feel guilt because I can't be around them and stay sane.

Zealot won't get a diagnosis because Godd who tells her she is exactly as he wants her to be. Even though all four of her kids, her grandkids, her sister and brother have all had to break contact with her, and many of us and some friends and acquaintances have told her she needs to seek professional help, it only solidifies her belief that she has some rare truth and that no one else can understand, so it's a very tricky situation.

Sometimes Godd tells her to fast until she almost starves to death, and sometimes He tells her to quit her job and be homeless, and though it's not happened for some time, I'm worried that the more people she alienates the worse it may get. I'm trying to avoid that if there's any way to reach her.

When I've attempted to address her childhood abuse and how it affects her, she either sits there like a statue, not able to speak or move, or the Despot Titan comes out and threatens to hit me and I have to leave.

If anyone out there that has DID would like to share their story with me and any suggestions on how I could possibly reach either the alters or my mom, an entire family would greatly and deeply appreciate it.
 
exyz

exyz

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 14, 2017
Messages
2,773
Hello quantumnal:welcome:

Your post made me very sad for you and your siblings. I'm so sorry that you have found it so difficult to find your Mum.

We have had a couple of members here with DID but they are not actively posting presently so far as I am aware. I do know that abuse or trauma of some kind when very young can start this fragmenting of self but I am not an expert.

There is a UK charity which has been going a few years now and they are dedicated to DID as a condition and you might find their resources a help. Here is the link for them and you might find dedicated advice there. We are here to listen and support you as best we can. Sending all good wishes to you and yours.

About Us - First Person Plural
 
K

kawasakidad

Guest
HI, I also have D.i.D (diagnosed)

DID is very complex and in many many years of trying to explain it and barely touched the surface. I will try write what experience is like. From a external point of view DID is very unknown / scary and one of those things that professionals tend to get a little weird about. My experience DID is thrown together with psychopath, murder / serial killers - How I have been treated or seen so it is hard to convey a truth if this is the opinion.

Personally 28 personalities that are in communication and a few that are not in the "house / system" as we call it. We range in age, gender and often species. Youngest 6 yrs old the oldest is timeless. Multiple class rates Unknown class that are like gods / overlords to the lower brackets, Titan class kind of like a council, protective class which are very powerful, vulnerable group. Each personality has a speciality or role to play, think of a broken plate each part makes the whole.

The way it manifest is different from person to person depending on how they are and if continued trauma occurs. Everything In DID is connected in one way or another and creates a very complex web stringing one thing to everything else. Life is extremely hard with DID (part why I joined the forum) even the things deemed simple are hard I,e picking food is like having a fight with many siblings at the same time of a young age. Avoiding triggers is a massive pain because it re- traumatises certain parts and continues the trauma.

You have to understand the parts that orbit the core personality (in this case your mother) will do anything and everything to protect the core and escape being pinned down. Do not underestimate the power of the protective parts, emotion is a part of their power and the more it gets fed the stronger it gets, literally. My most powerful protective part is full on wont stop or slow down until its done its job. The last time it got out many many people felt the power and is the most scary thing you can imagine.

It is possible that you will have to make the move on her behalf to get her some help, digging your heels in is an understatement. A system needs to be built to take the place of what would have been a sense of self that most normal people have. It is very hard to explain DID, you need to define each of her personalities- like mine have roles. Samantha is the loving and sexual one, Eric the mechanical minded and highly intelligent, kira laughter and curiosity……….so on. It is very rare that my core is in control, always hiding behind the rest of us because the world history and all are too painful. Pain > trigger > alter but it is determined by the need at the time. When we get massively depressed for instance it triggers a high end personality with a lot of rage.

There are a lot of tricks and games to play with tricky alters, weaknesses and loop holes around them. I have spent many years dedicated to DID in attempt to control my own and became a specialist in the process training therapists / psychologists in DID. Im always around if you have questions or want to talk.
 
Q

quantumnal

Member
Joined
Jul 13, 2018
Messages
22
Location
Missouri
kawasakidad,

Thanks so much for your experience. Thanks for everything you do that no one can even understand. I do see how complex DID is, and I want to dig in my heels and help my mom. Could you give me some pointers about how to do that? Where to start? The issue with Zealot is that she thinks no one understands that she is doing God's will. She sees Jesus as a symbol of how she, herself is being put up on the cross by family and friends, so I don't know how to go about trying to tell her that it's something she needs help for. God is her protector and savior and he gives her everything she needs. How could I begin to break through that barrier?

Any advice and personal experience you share would be great. Thank you!
 
K

kawasakidad

Guest
The process will be painful for both of you and not a easy task. The Zealot appears to be the strongest in the group, the wall between your mother and you. Religious overtones are not uncommon in DID, allow me to share to explain. My experience is diametrically opposite to your mothers zealot, the reaper is the one following me his name is seraphire (in English) now faith is a funny thing at one point there would have been things that strengthened the faith the zealot has. Seraphire once asked me to give it a home in my territory, so painted a cemetery on specifically the south wall of my room. Shown how to bind it to the home that was created for it. Had the complete demonology / myths and legends downloaded into my mind and languages to go with it. Once bound it literally appeared there and never left, despite my parents being afraid of it and attempted to cover it up with all sorts of paint etc, then exorcisms, blessings but just made the priests run out of the house because it moved around the room and always came back to its home, through all paint etc it never left and would always return. In addition has always been on my shoulder people tend to die around me like abusive family members which led to me being the "devil child".

I would think the same thing had happened a proof of faith to the zealot at some point enforcing the belief and making it stronger. The pain it protects is also a source of power, worse the pain gets the more it can do like supercharging a bomb with adding more explosive material on top of a nuke. It will do anything and everything to protect what is inside or its own belief. You being the child have more standing than you think you do, your mother is in there with instinct and this is what drives most alters. It will threaten you, try to make you back off but the maternal instinct will see that you are protected within the system.


Challenge the Zealot and get creative with how you attack it. Always have a answer waiting. with DID I have a pure machine alter with no emotions but a extreme IQ this is how we get round it and can do the same for you within data restrictions.

Zealot must have a name hidden somewhere in there, learn its name is the first step and its habits.
Believes its doing gods work, also a weakness because it points out where it can be attacked. Question the faith, response will be I have faith in the lord to guide me. Start of by poking holes in the faith and religion in general (from what I know) so you are a chosen of god and you choose to threaten that which god to said holds most dear, family and love? and then it will go on about punishment and how gods will makes it do it... so your god is abusive? its a sin to harm the innocent, what did I do that god thinks I need to be punished? it will pause to formulate a response that aligns with religion. The pause shows a chink in the armour, keep pressing the issue until you get through.

Move to another side and attack the religion itself and link it to the abuse from previously discussed. All I have to do is ask forgiveness and god (add religious tones to your answers) will extend his hand and cleanse me of my sins granting forgiveness so why punish me.

Once your done cornering it into submission go to the absurd, things beyond the limits you know. A hand of god doing gods work should be able to heal the righteous and the innocent (then make it harder to complete like this as I know you are in the USA) say you found a terminally ill child/ innocent that deserves salvation in the UK and healing it would be showing the love of god to his children. Will come up with some rapid response to protect its faith and identity along the lines of I am gods child but do not have the touch of god to heal, so why does he allow ……. always question everything with a response that shakes faith or self belief.


Once you have it in a position that you think is perfect and it shows weakness, take it back to you again. Explain you are in pain, immediate family nothing is more important than family to god sharing and loving, you need your mother and would be so easy to heal you of your pain. This will then give it a sense of faith again that it can do what it thinks it can and hopefully grant you a entrance back to your mother If it resists then go straight for it and stand right up to it. Do you like abusing me huh just as you were how does it feel to go from victim to abuser does it satisfy you to harm others like you were harmed? at this point will get angry but stand your ground where was your god then huh and keep at it never back down. It will get angry and will get stronger but they all have a limit before they peak that is where it will break.


God is not a provider, faith and blind faith are what appears to be the one providing. Self sacrifice means providing for another, a very holy trait tell it your needs and selfish actions are a sin then its stuck between a sin and being forced to do as asked even for a while. Your mother is in there unable to fight something she deems far stronger than her, you are on the outside and very able to beat it down enough for her to poke through.

Whatever you do never reveal that you have talked to another person about it, the part will be dead set on finding the person and this post and will see me as the adversary (devil) and will only strengthen its resolve and give it a new target to be self righteous about.

I can go on for ages about it and how it works, it does infect life until you learn to control it. What my suggestion most of all will be is when she is prepared to look at a weak personality and try to bind them together in co conscious form to even it out. Like with me at current I am 2 halves the logical machine that has no emotion and working with me the more emotionally understanding part which is a balance.

I will always be around, if you want I will send you a email address if you wish to mail me on there.
 
Q

quantumnal

Member
Joined
Jul 13, 2018
Messages
22
Location
Missouri
This is more than I could have hoped for, it gives me strength and so much of what you say is synchronous with my experience already. Please can I have the email address and I appreciate the offer so much. I've searched so long but DID people generally do not want to share and I understand why.
I feel strong having a plan and am no longer afraid of outcomes.
 
K

kawasakidad

Guest
Never be afraid of what it may do to you, most of the top end alters like the zealot believe themselves untouchable and benevolent until you knock them down a few hundred pegs. I will pm you an address.
 
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