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Diary

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yewotc90

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Aug 25, 2015
Messages
80
Would anyone mind reading my diary entries for the last couple of days that I will be showing to my doctor and therapist?

I'm not sure if the entries are a bit too long, and if anyone can help me shorten them or just give opinions it would be brilliant. First time I have tried doing a diary of feelings and thoughts
 
Unique1

Unique1

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Hi.

Welcome to the forum!
Where are your diary entries ?
Unique1 x
 
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yewotc90

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Joined
Aug 25, 2015
Messages
80
Tuesday 18th August
Things really kicked off tonight. People got hurt physically, me again being the cause. Always seems to be the case and happen when I try and speak to family about how I am feeling and what would help me feel better. It seems like they don't understand as always seems to break out in a fight. Glasses got smashed. Dad ended up on the floor in pain as landed on ankle - this image won't leave me now, will feel extreme guilt over the next weeks/months and not sure how to deal or cope with that, still feeling guilt of police from weeks ago. I got hit try and snap me out of it. Family told me they hated me etc. Got some tablets ready and said I would be better off and actually got encouraged by family to take them which upset me further, if they encourage me I must be a bad person? I actually tried self harming, I felt so low and this scared me

Wednesday 19th August
Day started off bad and just went downhill. Gran and Grandad came down to help with packing ahead of move tomorrow and had grandad on at how I should be helping and not just lying in bed. Even if I wanted to, I have no motivation at the moment - I want to get up and do something but don't know what I want to do (can't relax because of this) and then I want my bed again because the feeling of not knowing what I want to do but needing to do something exhausts me. Things were said and I went to walk out - grandad grabbed hold of me to stop me this just annoyed me further. Why stop me? People are better off and happier without me around. Sat at the park crying and feeling very helpless and vulnerable. Felt like I couldn't return home and didn't know what to do or where to go, want stuff to end now.

Sunday 23rd August
Picked brother, dad and mate up from the pub this evening. Left the pub car park and dad told me to slow down due to a drunk woman crossing in front of us. A few seconds later, dad told me I hadn't turned the headlights on. I felt so embarassed and stupid - it being in front of dad's mate made me feel worse. Also angry because back seat-driving does not help and I am the one behind the wheel and in control - not in control of many other things. Had an outburtst and told everyone in the car I would rather be dead at the moment and cannot stand it here. Had to pull the car over and get out and gather my thoughts and composure. Felt so helpless, desperate, angry and upset all at once

Monday 24th August
Woke up to a message from D reminding me of events of last night, hubby told her what happened. I don't need reminding, I struggle with guilt enough as it is, as so much happening and going wrong with me being the cause. Still struggling with guilt and shame of police being called out and that was weeks ago. Also images of dad on floor thinking his ankle was broken after my mood and outburtst upsetting the house on Tuesday night.
She said if I keep it up, mum and dad won't want me here. That to kick off in front of people means I have no self respect and that I can't say it's the anxiety and depression causing this. Sad I need to act my age and grow up and show some respect. Felt so upset reading that, ruined my day before it began. No need for her to be so confrontantional and worsen the situation. If she suffers with depression and anxiety, she should understand it's a difficult thing to manage and empathise and not use ammo to put me down
 
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Y

yewotc90

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Joined
Aug 25, 2015
Messages
80
I need to write the above entries into my diary, but not sure if they are too long and if I should shorten them somehow

Then reading through, I'm questioning if I really am going through depression and anxiety
 
Unique1

Unique1

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Hi.

The entries portray your feelings and explain what is happening to you, and around you, certainly for your therapist in my opinion they are helpful.
They don't take long to read and as appointments are on timescales I feel they are fine.
I hope all goes well for you at the drs and with the therapist.
As far as diagnosis, let the professionals do that.

I wish you well and hope things improve for you.
It is good to seek support and help.
Unique1 x
 
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yewotc90

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 25, 2015
Messages
80
Hi.

The entries portray your feelings and explain what is happening to you, and around you, certainly for your therapist in my opinion they are helpful.
They don't take long to read and as appointments are on timescales I feel they are fine.
I hope all goes well for you at the drs and with the therapist.
As far as diagnosis, let the professionals do that.

I wish you well and hope things improve for you.
It is good to seek support and help.
Unique1 x
Thank you, I do have a positive section at the back of my diary, but this is a lot shorter which I guess generally shows what my GP picked up on straight away about me always going straight into negative mode. That's why the positive diary section has been suggested as well as the negative, to try and get me thinking more positively

As these diary entries are in a book which I need to take away with me, do you think it should be possible that at therapist and GP appointments, they should be able to photocopy the entries for my medical records?

I'd usually print them so they have copies, but as we have recently moved house and no idea where the printer is at the moment as everything is in boxes!
 
Unique1

Unique1

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Joined
Jan 27, 2015
Messages
8,765
Location
UK
Hi.

I would think they will be able to copy them if you wish them to.
They may not need to, as they take notes which may be sufficient.
Unique1x
 
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yewotc90

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Aug 25, 2015
Messages
80
Keeping up with my diary - is info like the following useful:

Over the weekend my dad put a new blind up in brothers room and kept mithering me to have a look at it. It just made me feel awful as it was like is this as exciting as life really gets? Do others my age have to put up with mundane things like that from parents. A blind depressing me. Someone said little things like that shouldn't make me feel awful. In the end I just got up to get rid of the annoyingness of my dad asking me to look
 
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yewotc90

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 25, 2015
Messages
80
Also at the moment, it seems like everyone just knows what buttons to push or wants to start arguments. Like my dad earlier banging on about how the Sky Planner is nearly full due to my recordings and when I say just leave it, it's no I won't leave it. Really really annoys me. Picking at everything

At the moment, just want to lie in bed. Yet when I make the effort and go down arguments and stuff break out

Is info like this useful in diary
 
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yewotc90

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Joined
Aug 25, 2015
Messages
80
Another thing, I'm hating how fat I'm becoming at the moment. Was weight at the doctors in March and doctor weighed me again last Wednesday, have gained weight since then

Doctor isn't too concerned by my weight, but has said we can monitor it every couple of weeks. But it's like I'm being hypocritical - and feel like I don't deserve his help with the current eating pattern. This was today:

Breakfast - bowl of chocolate mini weetabix
Dinner - bowl of chocolate mini weetabix
Tea- Spaghetti Bolognese made by mum
Two glasses of lemonade. 3 penguin biscuits as snacks throughout day plus couple of crisps

Do I deserve my doctors help to keep my weight from getting out of hand with this eating pattern, or not? When you've been depressed for so long and eating pattern has been awful for so long, it's so hard to break. Just making something proper for dinner/breakfast seems like too much hassle
 
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