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diary from inside a mental health hospital

L

lemonelmo1989

Member
Joined
Apr 11, 2015
Messages
5
2/4/15
In the early hours of Friday 27th march 2015 I began my journey once again into the hidden world of mental health hospitals.It was early one morning I was listening to the relationship problems of two close friends of mine whose house I was meant to be sleeping at. By 2:30 am id had enough, id had a large quantity of alochol and I felt like shit.thoughts were spinning around my lready onfused mind I had a plan! To drive off the A5. As I illegaly got into my car I suddenly felt incredibly sober and very clear headed. I knew what I wanted to do. As I started driving to my chosen destination something clicked in my brain telling me I was being irrational. I had an overwhelming feeling to ask for help to reach out to someone. The nearest hospital was the Robert Peel so I attended minor injuries there and explained my situation in as little detail as possible.At forst they werent very forthcoming…
They explained to me that because they could smell alochol on my the crisis team refused to come out and because id been driving they would have to call the police and I would have to deal with the consequences of drink driving. I quickly made up a lie to get myself out of this spot of bother. I claimed my friends lived local and id merely parked my car here overnight as they don’t have a driveway. To be honest I don’t think I was very convincing but nethertheless they re rang the crisis team and they came out to me shortly after.
A genetleman named E came out who looks like derek ackorah from most haunted and a chap called B who incidently was the identical twin of T who used to be a support worker in the george bryan during my previous admission. Did I mention that? Ive been in the system before. Once in 2010 for 3 months and secondly last november/december.I was formally discharged on 31st december 2014.
E and B were very understanding and explained hospital admission would be recommened but that there were literally no beds available.They offered to take me to my friends or to my parents which I refused as it was not about 4:30am and I didn’t want to wake anyone. I went on my way with strict instructions not to drive.
I sat in my car for a short period of time out of the cold which apparently is an offence in its own right, I took a little walk around the ground and eventually set off to get petrol at 6am. Probably if im honest, still intoxicated.I stopped by at mcdonalds and picked up a coffee to sober me up a bit and sent a text to the mother. I explained my situation I got very little response and continued my jounrye home.
Once home is when the ear bashing began about lies and secrets, covering things up, texting instead of speaking face to face. Everything she said was true I just couldn’t accept it.The tears flowed, I could tell she was hurting too.
Later tht day I received a call from the crisis team to say they would meet with me and S W my cpn at greenhill doctors at half 12.From there on my world was tipped upside down.
After a long chat about emotions, explaining my desire to kill myself, having some home truths exposed it was decided they felt I needed hospitalisation. Inititally I refused, I remember the words clear as day “that’s a mental health act assesment then” and they got their phones out.”NO NO I shouted, ill go in volountariy” I didn’t want that on my record,there were major benefits of being an informal patient. They arranged a bed but told me itll be a while before its ready so go home get my belongings together and await a phonecall. The plan was for my dad to drive me but seen as I thought it were only going to be a short admission I drove myself.
On arrival I was scared stiff, the ward was very volatile compared to my previous admission. A lot of very poorly people.I was seen by the doctor and then to my bedroom. The doctor was very kind he didn’t force me into talking about anything which I didn’t want to as I explained id had long day and night and was exhausted. He said he could tell and that that was perfectly acceptable and he was on his way.
I cant remember much about that night it was all a blur.
Upon arrival I had 2 glasses of water but I swore to myself that would be the last two id ever drink. Food was also banned. . It was so difficult and with people constantly trying to get me to drink I struggled because all I wanted was a nice cold glass of water but id promised myself. The staff wouldn’t have known anything about my plans if it werent for the water they expect you to take with your medications which for me is morning and night. On day four I finally gave in and started eating and drinking again. It was heaven. I really regretted it but it was one of the hardest most challenging things ive ever done.
From then on a downward spiral occurred. My thoughts in my head about suicide were getting stronger and stronger, the ward was getting more and mre volatile the buzzing in my head had manifested itself into words.I cracked. I went into the kitchen, smashed a plate picked a piece up and started harming my arms. The instant release was amazing..Staff heard the commotion and came running, at first I wouldn’t give in but finally I had to and they escorted me to the clinic to get cleaned up.Inititally it was fine then I panicked and ran out of the clinic, I don’t know where I was going I just wanted to get away. Blood was everywhere at this point. Again we went back to the clinic, the nurse felt one wound needed stitches so we went over the road to minor injuries with two staff memembers. Again I panicked and made a run for it. They tried to coax me back, ther staff members were callled and eventually I gave in and went back to the ward with a very kind support worker who I get on very well with.
Still, my arm needed seeing to. Staff nurse tried to see if butterfly stitches would be enough so he again sent me over with two staff. I behaved this time.The nurse at the hospital said it should be ok with butterfly stitiches. Unfortunately I did self harm again on my other arm and when I returned to get that dealt wth they found the wound wont be healing together neatly and it was too late for stitches so that will leave a nice scar. Currently though I couldn’t care less, I don’t plan on being on this planet much longer.
3/4/15
Todays been a strange day. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and my anxiety was getting worse and worse. The devil god and satan were arguing about who was to blame for strangling me as my throat got tighter and tighter. I expressed this to staff who gave me that magic blue pill lorazepam. I discussed the possiblity of having something similar but at regular intervals with staff nurse K. He said that’s a good idea and to discuss it with the doctor when next possible but for now continue with lorazepam prn, as required.
Later on M come to visit, something very strange happened. It was almost like she read my mind and told another patients…

4/4/15
…about my thoughts and listening to god speaking. I say thinking, its more I can read gods thoughts.It was god, satan or the devil that had strangled me earlier on in the day and they were fighting it out. This is what I think M mind read and informed the other patient of. I spoke about my worries to K the nurse he said it was a coincidence. But it didn’t stop there the next day I come down to my bedroom after a good morning to find a bible outside my bedroom. This got my wondering why. I thought the other patint had planted it there as I saw him carrying them.E the support worker assured me it was P the ward manager. She again said it was coincidence. Im fed up by this point with people putting it down to a coincidence. I know whats going on and it must stop.
Mums coming to visit today which im looking forward to. She will be bringing my easter egg incase she doesn’t come tomorrow, its easter Sunday. Im making the most of my eating and drinking today as as of tomorrow im going on strike again this time for good. I will however drink the small amount of water they give me with my medication so not to arose suspiscion.
Theres a major part I left out. About three days ag I got sectioned under the mental health act as I wanted to discharge myself. I cant really say much more about that other thn im detained for up to 28 days by which time they have to make a decision to discharge me, keep me as a informal patient or section 3 me which is for a maximum of 6 months. Im still dealing with this in my head, its too difficult to process and write down Ill have to get bak to you on that one.
7/4/15
I haven’t wrote for a few days as its been a rollercoaster. At one point I saw a light at the end of the tunnel and I had a decent two and a half days then last night just went crazy. Id had a lovely day out in the sunshine when my mood suddenly dropped.I immediately made my way to the disabled toilets where I knew I had a good half an hour before any checks were being carried out as it was hand over time. I took part of a ceramic cup with me which I broke to self harm the other day and kept the other pieces for safe measure. I started harming my hands, to be fair, im very weak with my left hand. At some point there came a knock at the door and a nurse and a support worker unlocked the door to find the mess I was in. they immediately restrained me causing me to have no choice but to drop the cup. The escorted me to the clinic whre I once again walked off, found some more cup and started on my arm again. Escorted back to the clinic cleaned up, put on one to one observations and while the support workers bak was turned for a final time I found the last piece of cup I had, went into my shower and made a small scratch before she restrained me for a final time. This time it didn’t need dressing so she st with me on my bed for a short while, searched all my possessions for sharps then we went out to the garden for some fresh air.
From that moment on I had two black men alternating sitting with me throughout the night I woke a few times to fellow patients being noisy, I went down for a couple of glasses of water and sat down the bottom for bit.Eventually I settled for the night and woke in the morning to find id been taken off one to one observations and would be free to do as I please. Within limits ofcourse.
Now im awaiting to go to the local minor injuries to get my dressings changed but that may tak a while as its like watching paint dry in this place. Mums coming to visit today at 4pm which will be nice. My right wrist is in agony everytim I move it im debating whether ive cut a tendon or ligament or something.
8/4/15
So I went to minor injuries yesterday escorted by to members of staff. I had a major panic while there and explained to a staff member my anxietie. When I came out the room another male member of staff was there waiting. She had called for back up. He was nothing more than a prick to me explaining the fact id gone across with no problems would be a good mark against my discharge and that he doesn’t think ill be in there long. How does he know? And whats hi definintion of a long time? I had a good cry yesterday the tears flowed near enough constantly. Todays been a good day I sent most of it up the end of the garden enjoying the sunshine with K and H. 2 very good friends ive found in here.
9/4/15
Todays been a pleasant day ive had a lot of time to reflect, mum came which was nice, we spent a lot of the day enjoying th sunshine at the bottom of the garden again.M visited this evening which was also nice, We had a good heart to heart and I realised shes accepted I will kill myself when I get out of here. It was a shame to hear her say that but it’s a relief in a way. I had asked her to help me in some manner last week but she point blank refused today. I know here reasoning and I accept that but im so desperate and frustrated its unreal. Ive started to develop feelings for harry. I don’t know if he realises it. I hope not in a way because im embarrassed!
10/4/15
So I saw the doctor today. Quite a lot was raised, I mentioned how the deaths at work have affected me, how upset I was by comments made by a close friend about my work ethic. Ill explain all that later or another day I cant be bothered to go into it right now. Infact, yes I will. Early novemeber time last year a resident in the nursing home I work at passed away. He wasn’t unwell just elderly. Anyway we found him stone cold dead, he had died alone with nobody around. The days following that we had three more deaths in quick succession of one another. These have affected me deeply I still have a picture in my mind of this dead man I have terrible nightmares about it. Its made me rethink my career path many a times. Luckily I will be dead as soon a I leave this place so that doesn’t matter.Secondly mikey, a good friend and work collegue of mine accused me of leaving a resident in a wet bed. Im sorry but I dressed this person why would I dress them then leave them in a wet bed. Surely the wet bed occurred afterwards, perhaps by a misplaced pad but certainly not any neglectful acts. These evnts have left a deep scar in my heart and im deeply upset about them. I feel nothing I do is good enough, im a worthless piece of sh*t. Anyway its lunch time now.

11/10/15
I had a good chat with M last night, spoke a few things over. I xplained I wasn’t bothered about my sick note because I don’t need any money where im going. She said think of it as money twards your funeral. I agreed on that one.My familys going to be heartbroken enough as it is.
 
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G

Gredge23

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Apr 9, 2015
Messages
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Location
Ireland
Do you believe in faith? Because I do , the fact u sobered up getting into your car , and started having rational thoughts........that's what's crazy not you , that's amazing that happened if that happened me I would definitely believe I am sposed to be on this earth for some reason I'll never understand , but the fact I'm sposed to be here and that happening you , ITS NOT YOUR TIME TO GO! Stay strong brother/sister don't do what your thinking them thoughts won't last for much longer , life is full of opposites , ur going through a dark period now , but ther is light at the end of the tunnel and I see the light coming to you soon!

Peace , love and hugs!
 
L

lemonelmo1989

Member
Joined
Apr 11, 2015
Messages
5
So alots happened since I last wrote...I saw the doctor last Friday who said I'd have a meeting with a cpn n him on Wednesday. That occurred today and I was very open and honest he said my section ends in less than a week as would I stay volountarily. I declined that fabulous offer as tempting as it sounds. He said he doesn't want to put me on a section 3. I said don't then it's simple as that. Then a bombshell was dropped my mum got a phone call from the hospital asking her to come in for a meeting on Friday to get her input into things. And do u want to hear her input? That I need to stay in here and the minute I'm better she will be the first one bringing me home but for now I'm better off in hospital. It's game over kiddos. Atleast ive prepared myself for worst case scenario anything less is a bonus eh? I'm suprised how relaxed I am about this atleast I'm not kicking off a treat . That's it from me for now and thank u both for ur comments xxx
 
G

Gredge23

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Location
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Don't go please keep talking with us
 
L

lemonelmo1989

Member
Joined
Apr 11, 2015
Messages
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I will :) it makes things so much easier posting on here x
 
G

Gredge23

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Joined
Apr 9, 2015
Messages
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Location
Ireland
Good glad u can find an outlet for ur frustrations etc.......

How are u feeling about what happened in shorter sentences if u can I find it hard to process info

:)
 
L

lemonelmo1989

Member
Joined
Apr 11, 2015
Messages
5
I feel a bit upset to be honest. I feel like my mums betraying me. This is a very lonely place
 
G

Gredge23

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Messages
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Indeed family are the last people would do something like that
 
L

lemonelmo1989

Member
Joined
Apr 11, 2015
Messages
5
So today I got put on a section 3. Need I say more
 
D

diabolicalme

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Aug 10, 2014
Messages
126
Location
London
How're you doing? Really sorry you're back on a section..
 
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