K
kcostanza
New member
Hi everyone,
I hope I am not invading. I am here because since recent conversation with my friend I have been researching bipolar and am almost convinced that i have it. I am obviously very scared and not sure how to go about diagnosing and wondering if i am making it all up in my head. My friend who is a councillor tells me that most people diagnose themselves before a doctor. Is this true? How did you get diagnosed?
Let me share some details with you.
I have had two major depressed episodes in my life, the first at 18 and the second at 23 - both ended in suicide attempts and hospital. I have always struggled against depression,yet recently knowing i was depressed and knowing myself better because i am older now (27) i noticed some other things. Like my urge to start about 500 projects, drinking beyond help on the weekends, promiscuous behaviour (have fiance and two kids) lashing out at people, feeling extreme anger. I talked to my friend about this and joked i might have manic depression and she told me not to joke but check it out, so i did. The more i read, the more my whole life seemed to make sense, i read text books, case studies, the spectrum, did a few online tests (unreliable i know) watched a few documentaries and it was like they were explaining my life. I was then able to pinpoint three episodes in my life where i was sufffering with some sort of mania. I would think i was invincible, i would start loads of projects that i never finished, need no sleep at all, become promiscuous and overly interested in sex with new people, despite being in perfect relationships, also i would sometimes shop lift. It felt like i was on the outside looking in, like this woman was not me, i threw away many friendships and ruined a lot of my relationships over it. I was extremely irritated by everyone.
I also told my friend that i am never in the middle as it were. I pretty much feel good or bad. Of course the good and bad vary, from just feeling fed up to having a depressed episode, to being overly happy up to having a manic episode. I can be very very happy and productive for a week and then wake the next day and not want to leave the room. My mood swings like you wouldn't believe. I get stressed easily over silly things and it is like my head throbs untill i throw a chair or shout at someone. Sometimes i even get very hostile for no reason, just this buzz in my head of stress i guess.
I am very creative and when i am happy i write so fast that my other writer friends think i am a genius and are jealous of my productivity. I am deeply imaginative. Yes sometimes i am so dull i cannot even lift my pen.
Sometimes i can survive on less than four hours sleep and still be the life and soul of the party at other times i sleep for fifteen hours and still feel so tired i can hardly move. When i am flitting between moods, like i am now, i eat loads of chocolate and massive portion sizes, i kind of get obsessed with eating. My dad has suspected mental health problems, but nothing confirmed. I spent a lot of my childhood depressed and often pushed friends away due to moods. My friends now love me, they think i am unique, think i am just about the most caring person on earth - i think this is down to my crippling guilt which means i help everyone and cry at any kind of tragedy, they say i have a different way of looking at the world, but the also say that i am moody, unpredictable, have the worst memory on earth and can be very hard to gauge.
I do hope i am not wasting anyone's time. I just want to get to the bottom of this, but i am scared the doctor will laugh at me, i am scared that i am making all this up, i am scared of using the idea of bipolar as an excuse to 'get way' with my bad behaviour in the past. yet, the more i read about it, find out about it, the more my whole life makes sense. It's like i have always needed this key to understand myself and suddenly here i have it.
Please be honest and thank you all in advance for any help you have to offer.
Kelly x
I hope I am not invading. I am here because since recent conversation with my friend I have been researching bipolar and am almost convinced that i have it. I am obviously very scared and not sure how to go about diagnosing and wondering if i am making it all up in my head. My friend who is a councillor tells me that most people diagnose themselves before a doctor. Is this true? How did you get diagnosed?
Let me share some details with you.
I have had two major depressed episodes in my life, the first at 18 and the second at 23 - both ended in suicide attempts and hospital. I have always struggled against depression,yet recently knowing i was depressed and knowing myself better because i am older now (27) i noticed some other things. Like my urge to start about 500 projects, drinking beyond help on the weekends, promiscuous behaviour (have fiance and two kids) lashing out at people, feeling extreme anger. I talked to my friend about this and joked i might have manic depression and she told me not to joke but check it out, so i did. The more i read, the more my whole life seemed to make sense, i read text books, case studies, the spectrum, did a few online tests (unreliable i know) watched a few documentaries and it was like they were explaining my life. I was then able to pinpoint three episodes in my life where i was sufffering with some sort of mania. I would think i was invincible, i would start loads of projects that i never finished, need no sleep at all, become promiscuous and overly interested in sex with new people, despite being in perfect relationships, also i would sometimes shop lift. It felt like i was on the outside looking in, like this woman was not me, i threw away many friendships and ruined a lot of my relationships over it. I was extremely irritated by everyone.
I also told my friend that i am never in the middle as it were. I pretty much feel good or bad. Of course the good and bad vary, from just feeling fed up to having a depressed episode, to being overly happy up to having a manic episode. I can be very very happy and productive for a week and then wake the next day and not want to leave the room. My mood swings like you wouldn't believe. I get stressed easily over silly things and it is like my head throbs untill i throw a chair or shout at someone. Sometimes i even get very hostile for no reason, just this buzz in my head of stress i guess.
I am very creative and when i am happy i write so fast that my other writer friends think i am a genius and are jealous of my productivity. I am deeply imaginative. Yes sometimes i am so dull i cannot even lift my pen.
Sometimes i can survive on less than four hours sleep and still be the life and soul of the party at other times i sleep for fifteen hours and still feel so tired i can hardly move. When i am flitting between moods, like i am now, i eat loads of chocolate and massive portion sizes, i kind of get obsessed with eating. My dad has suspected mental health problems, but nothing confirmed. I spent a lot of my childhood depressed and often pushed friends away due to moods. My friends now love me, they think i am unique, think i am just about the most caring person on earth - i think this is down to my crippling guilt which means i help everyone and cry at any kind of tragedy, they say i have a different way of looking at the world, but the also say that i am moody, unpredictable, have the worst memory on earth and can be very hard to gauge.
I do hope i am not wasting anyone's time. I just want to get to the bottom of this, but i am scared the doctor will laugh at me, i am scared that i am making all this up, i am scared of using the idea of bipolar as an excuse to 'get way' with my bad behaviour in the past. yet, the more i read about it, find out about it, the more my whole life makes sense. It's like i have always needed this key to understand myself and suddenly here i have it.
Please be honest and thank you all in advance for any help you have to offer.
Kelly x
to the forum. Well done for getting all that down in writing, it's a big 1st step. It sounds like you are wanting answers but worried no-one will take you seriously. I don't think any decent doctor would laugh at you if you tell them what you have just told us. I'm no expert but yes, it does sound rather like bipolar from what I've read (I only get the depression bit so don't know for myself). If you're worried about remembering to tell the doc everything, then print out what you've written here and show it to them.
