Diagnosed Psychopath/Sociopath discussion (questions welcome)

[shirley u gessed]

I think I get it.

 

[Tin Woodman]

I think I get it.

I hope my answers weren't abrasive or came off as rude but I believe that blunt honesty serves my purpose here. Thank you very much for giving me your insight.

 

[Lance__]

Hi Tin woodman, first of all congratulations for overcoming your cancer. You are very lucky to have such kind people like your wife at your side. It's amazing you have been given the opportunity to experience unconditional love from her, even if you might not be able to fully interiorize it. I have some questions, if you don't mind answering them (and I think you don't).

1. What do you think is your purpose in life? Do you think you do have a soul?

2. If you could, would you like to be able to feel all emotions, from emotional pain to joy?

3. I'm really curious about what you said, that you would like to be accepted by others, be loved by your mother, but at the same time that you don't care about what people think of you. And that you don't know what love feels, but at the same time you are really protective to your wife, and you would die for her. For me, the last one seems something really close to what love would look like, but it's only my opinion.

4. Are you familiar with the concept of dissociation? I don't know why, but reading all your answers, it comes to my mind the idea that you really do have emotions but that they are deeply (really deep) and severily dissociated. That, and that you were severely abused as a child. When you were born, did your brain look "normal", with no brain injuries before the head trauma?

5. You said that in the past you did hurt people, and that you felt an intense rage. Do you think it may have been a way of channeling/expressing your anger and pain from the abuse?

Thanks in advance. This is a really interesting thread.

 

[Passionflower]

I don't know whether you have already answered this but why are you on the forum?. We occasionally get someone who claims to be a psychopath come on this forum and funnily enough want people to ask them questions about it. Admittedly they are much more sensationalist about how they are and seem to want to shock people.This is a waste of time as generally people on the forum have seen it all and heard it all before. So anyway why are you on a mental health forum when frankly you don't seem to have a mental illness per se ?

 

[Tin Woodman]

Hi Tin woodman, first of all congratulations for overcoming your cancer. You are very lucky to have such kind people like your wife at your side. It's amazing you have been given the opportunity to experience unconditional love from her, even if you might not be able to fully interiorize it. I have some questions, if you don't mind answering them (and I think you don't).

1. What do you think is your purpose in life? Do you think you do have a soul?

2. If you could, would you like to be able to feel all emotions, from emotional pain to joy?

3. I'm really curious about what you said, that you would like to be accepted by others, be loved by your mother, but at the same time that you don't care about what people think of you. And that you don't know what love feels, but at the same time you are really protective to your wife, and you would die for her. For me, the last one seems something really close to what love would look like, but it's only my opinion.

4. Are you familiar with the concept of dissociation? I don't know why, but reading all your answers, it comes to my mind the idea that you really do have emotions but that they are deeply (really deep) and severily dissociated. That, and that you were severely abused as a child. When you were born, did your brain look "normal", with no brain injuries before the head trauma?

5. You said that in the past you did hurt people, and that you felt an intense rage. Do you think it may have been a way of channeling/expressing your anger and pain from the abuse?

Thanks in advance. This is a really interesting thread.

I don't mind at all, that's why I'm here. I've noticed that more than a few people have noticed some similar points in what I say. I will address them while answering each question.

1. I don't believe that life has a purpose. I believe that life is random happenstance and those of us born human have an incredible gift of cognition. Life is wonderful and strange. To think we "won the lottery" and were not only born human, but also in a technological golden age is absurd. I feel extremely lucky, but I also believe that I have no purpose. I believe that life has whatever meaning you give it, positive or negative.

2. I would like to of course, but probably only for a short time to see what it is like. I see the effect of emotions in everyday life. People around me make utterly stupid decisions based on concepts that make absolutely no sense to me. I often use this to gain an advantage over them. People are both predictable and unpredictable. Sometimes they surprise me, but only rarely. I am comfortable being the way that I am and see no reason to complicate what I believe is a working system.

3. You are not the only person to point this out. ASPD is a spectrum and all who are affected display different characteristics despite sharing many similarities. I believe that most of us still have most basic human desires, but just lack the emotional component. Imagine if you craved ice cream but were not capable of tasting it. My wife and I have been a part of each others lives since we were children. We have shared life experience and I know I can rely on her. I wasn't always good to her, I've not always been the best husband and still struggle to be better. I can't explain the way I think about her, and part of why I'm here on this forum is to learn more about my condition through the paradigm of others.

4. I am very familiar with dissociation and studied it heavily before I was diagnosed, trying to figure out why I was so different from others. I simply lack most emotion but am forced to mimic it in social situations in order to survive. Please understand that even in an anonymous capacity I still "fake" most things because if I tried to communicate with neurotypicals in a completely honest way it probably wouldn't be productive, and I also feel the need to tightly control any given situation. This is an experiment, I'm trying to learn as well as inform.

5. I'm sure the abuse had some influence on me, as it would anyone. Talking about brain damage is to hopefully attract someone who has knowledge in this area who can give me insight. My father apologized for everything when I was an adult and pleaded with me to try and have a relationship with him. I do see him from time to time but feel neither love or resentment towards him. I don't really feel anything at all towards the situation as an adult. I only feel rage for a short time, but never hold grudges.

 

[Tin Woodman]

I don't know whether you have already answered this but why are you on the forum?. We occasionally get someone who claims to be a psychopath come on this forum and funnily enough want people to ask them questions about it. Admittedly they are much more sensationalist about how they are and seem to want to shock people.This is a waste of time as generally people on the forum have seen it all and heard it all before. So anyway why are you on a mental health forum when frankly you don't seem to have a mental illness per se ?

I understand your doubt. I expect it actually and am surprised that only a few people here have questioned me considering how unlikely it is that a person with ASPD would bother with these exercises. To be completely honest I don't really have a solid reason for doing this, I'm here mostly out of curiosity and the experience is entertaining to me. It is interesting to see input from people who I don't have to charm or manipulate to get what I want. I think I can learn to be more pro-social and do less harm to others by gaining perspective on this forum. I'm not here to shock people and purposefully try to keep what I say mild to foster discussion. Perhaps using the word "Psychopath" was in bad judgment. I believe the word accurately describes what I am but do not think projecting it has been productive because many people do not understand that people like me are perfectly capable of acting normally to get what we want. This is an experiment on my part. You can rightfully assume I'm here for selfish reasons.

*Edit* I will also add that you are more than welcome to PM me for discussion if you wish.

 

[Tin Woodman]

You will be unmoved to know that I respect you. Regular people should be cautious of, or fear you. A role in government would suit you well.

I'm not unmoved, gaining respect from others is useful to me. I see it as a "win".

People who know me are cautious of me, and they should be. I don't personally intend to harm people anymore after becoming self-aware but still sometimes lie and cheat people because it's just too tempting or too easy. Even a pro-social person with ASPD can be dangerous, and you should protect yourself from people like me.

I would never seek a role in government. I seek to control people in my immediate life but have no desire to influence people outside of my immediate agency. I believe that government as a whole is corrupt in most countries and should be abolished in favor of small community management.

 

[Antimatter]

I believe that government as a whole is corrupt in most countries and should be abolished in favor of small community management.

Besides scale, small differences.

 

[Tin Woodman]

Besides scale, small differences.

True, but a broad brush is hardly useful for small tasks.

 

[Black Despondency]

To me it seems like most people think to be a psychopath you have to have every single symptom exactly as described in the diagnosis and there's no flexibility in symptoms. Like any other psychological conditions there are variations in symptoms. Tin Woodman could put stipulations on ever single statement he makes this would be sort of ridiculous seeming to me. Also lacking the ability to frequently experience any single emotion can make it difficult to know that feeling in depth and even confuse some emotions with others. I have had trouble describing my anxiety, because it was fight or flight at a very high level of intensity. I didn't know what a normal feeling emotion was for a very long time, because I was so used to being emotionally on fire or having my brain physically incapable of continue to fire those neurons to produce emotions very well.

 

[Tin Woodman]

To me it seems like most people think to be a psychopath you have to have every single symptom exactly as described in the diagnosis and there's no flexibility in symptoms. Like any other psychological conditions there are variations in symptoms. Tin Woodman could put stipulations on ever single statement he makes this would be sort of ridiculous seeming to me. Also lacking the ability to frequently experience any single emotion can make it difficult to know that feeling in depth and even confuse some emotions with others. I have had trouble describing my anxiety, because it was fight or flight at a very high level of intensity. I didn't know what a normal feeling emotion was for a very long time, because I was so used to being emotionally on fire or having my brain physically incapable of continue to fire those neurons to produce emotions very well.

Thank you, you helped illustrate what I can not and I appreciate it.

I am very curious about your anxiety, and how it affects your life. Do you feel burn out often? Do you notice a pattern in any way and how does this effect your decision making?

 

[Black Despondency]

I can try to make or find some sort of emotions and feelings list, if you are interested in giving your thoughts on if, how, when and what parts you experience. I wouldn't expect you to write a paper about each emotion, just give some thoughts about them. I think you could get some insights from other people about how you experience emotions and feelings compared to them. How emotions and feelings are experienced by each individual are somewhat different, but it could be interesting.

I was in the middle of this post when I saw your inquiry, I will try to respond to it shortly.

 

[Jazzmine84]

You said that you don’t have children for obvious reason. I’m sorry for my ignorance, but why so?

 

[Tin Woodman]

Oh, you sound like an adventurous, thrilling person. Have you ever been into drugs/psychedelics or even recreational marijuana?
This sometimes stays within our body if the THC level dosage is unregulated or if we blindly administer it. You do sound intelligent.
Have mysticism intrigued you by chance?
Do you plan a family? Perhaps it will change life perspective for you?

You sure are lucky to have a wife like her, and please prize her. But do you model the emotion and not feel inside?
Perhaps just detachment in your personality as you have been successful and independent and do not much attention to feelings because you think it does not simply work?

Just humble advice: do not let go for such a wife. Also, do try spiritual meditation and reconnect.

I am sure you will find something exciting if you believe in spirituality.

I often seek adventure, but more so danger and often prefer the latter. I often recklessly throw myself deeply into uncomfortable situations because it is thrilling because I think that some things can only be learned while in duress. I use marijuana daily and experiment with any psychedelic I can get my hands on in order to gain perspective. I don't believe that I am any more intelligent than others, but I understand that my introverted nature lends itself to introspection and learning.

Does Mysticism intrigue me? Everything intrigues me. I try to absorb as much information as possible. Every person has insight, useful or not. I don't hold any personal beliefs other than the pursuit of knowledge.

I do not plan a family, my wife and I both share poor genetics and do not wish to reproduce.

I am very lucky to have what I have. It can be difficult to appreciate it most of the time thanks to my condition. I have tried and tried over the years to form real attachments to people but fail every time. My wife is a different story. I don't know why but I felt bonded to her the second I saw her. We dated in high school and separated once I decided to join the Navy. I dated other girls but never felt anything towards them. I almost even married one of them! Once I returned home we got back together and have been since. She is the only thing I can honestly say I care about in life, and would never give her up.

 

[Tin Woodman]

I can try to make or find some sort of emotions and feelings list, if you are interested in giving your thoughts on if, how, when and what parts you experience. I wouldn't expect you to write a paper about each emotion, just give some thoughts about them. I think you could get some insights from other people about how you experience emotions and feelings compared to them. How emotions and feelings are experienced by each individual are somewhat different, but it could be interesting.

I was in the middle of this post when I saw your inquiry, I will try to respond to it shortly.

Feel free to PM me about this. It might take me some time to respond because I am so busy lately thanks to work, but I am always genuinely interested in having deep discussions with other people.