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Diagnosed Psychopath/Sociopath discussion (questions welcome)

stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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Lol, I've tried because I need for my life to run smoothly. I'm exhausted from all of the chaos and turmoil
Oh dear. lol. I don't find it negative drama. It's just something vaguely interesting to do.
 
H

Hokiepokie

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It's like it's something that I can't control. I didn't realize I was doing this until recently. It's like I do it subconsciously
Habits brother, Habits. Practice good habits and you get in the habit of controlling those impulses. Practice cognitive exercises about every action you take. I'm talking about the little things also. For example, you are getting into your car and driving to the grocery store. Now, think about the consequences of what happens if you drive fast and hit someone. You go to prison. Just that simple exercise, if you do it with each impulse, over time, it becomes habit and you being to subcontiously make good decision. This is how it's worked for me.
 
T E_90

T E_90

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Habits brother, Habits. Practice good habits and you get in the habit of controlling those impulses. Practice cognitive exercises about every action you take. I'm talking about the little things also. For example, you are getting into your car and driving to the grocery store. Now, think about the consequences of what happens if you drive fast and hit someone. You go to prison. Just that simple exercise, if you do it with each impulse, over time, it becomes habit and you being to subcontiously make good decision. This is how it's worked for me.
What you say is useful and right.
For me it's really hard to control these impulses if anger triggers them, usually I see the results later, and despite that, I can't help but repeat the same mistakes, it's frustrating.

I have a question though, but I don't know if you could answer it, if I'm right to ask.
It's about one of the main reasons why I'm in therapy, as well as for aspd.
I'm normally a pleasant person, able to behave like anyone else, but I've been having unhealthy violent thoughts for a long time.
They bring me an urge to follow a type of person and want to implement this impulse.
I realized that the thing is always present in the corner of my mind and every now and then it's really overwhelming, so much so that it pushes me closer and closer, as now I started to justify it, and in those moments I almost feel excited and like a different person, and that confuses me on my identity.
I don't know if it's relevant, but I'll add that as a child, I liked to scare my peers for the same reason.

The therapist in response just told me that it's the desire to control the other person, but I couldn't say to him everything in detail, I don't want to be judge and moreover I feel that it's my thing, in a way I like to keep to myself part of it, but I'm not sure what it depends on.
I've researched about it and I've recognized some things, but the question remains and I feel alone.
I wonder if you could tell me why and if this urge will ever go away.
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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What you say is useful and right.
For me it's really hard to control these impulses if anger triggers them, usually I see the results later, and despite that, I can't help but repeat the same mistakes, it's frustrating.

I have a question though, but I don't know if you could answer it, if I'm right to ask.
It's about one of the main reasons why I'm in therapy, as well as for aspd.
I'm normally a pleasant person, able to behave like anyone else, but I've been having unhealthy violent thoughts for a long time.
They bring me an urge to follow a type of person and want to implement this impulse.
I realized that the thing is always present in the corner of my mind and every now and then it's really overwhelming, so much so that it pushes me closer and closer, as now I started to justify it, and in those moments I almost feel excited and like a different person, and that confuses me on my identity.
I don't know if it's relevant, but I'll add that as a child, I liked to scare my peers for the same reason.

The therapist in response just told me that it's the desire to control the other person, but I couldn't say to him everything in detail, I don't want to be judge and moreover I feel that it's my thing, in a way I like to keep to myself part of it, but I'm not sure what it depends on.
I've researched about it and I've recognized some things, but the question remains and I feel alone.
I wonder if you could tell me why and if this urge will ever go away.
I think I understand. And I too have had these same urges, except for me they were mainly just fantasies and were strongest when I was in my late teens =m/ early 20s.

I'm 43 now and have no sex drive which makes these kinds of things less interesting to me.

I think for some people the urges fade...or at least lessen. For others, the urges change over time to slightly other things. And for a few others, the urges grow.
 
T E_90

T E_90

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I think I understand. And I too have had these same urges, except for me they were mainly just fantasies and were strongest when I was in my late teens =m/ early 20s.

I'm 43 now and have no sex drive which makes these kinds of things less interesting to me.

I think for some people the urges fade...or at least lessen. For others, the urges change over time to slightly other things. And for a few others, the urges grow.
Thanks for your contribution, I appreciate it.
I have no idea why I have these urges and for obvious reasons I can't go into details,
but for me they are no longer fantasies ffrom a long time now and there are times where they are really strong.
I feel like the mind is someone else's, and the feet go by themselves.
It's like a drug, that once you try it you need more, and no matter the distractions, is always there, it can decrease or sleep for a day or two, to then come back.
I know how to distinguish right from wrong, and I know the consequences, but it doesn't change, since I keep justifying to myself that if this is what I need who cares.
But actually there are times where I wonder if I was simply born wrong.
Maybe this will fade as it did with you, who knows.
 
T E_90

T E_90

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And I'm also studying criminal law, since that's the only passion I have, it's kind of a dichotomy really in my case.
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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And I'm also studying criminal law, since that's the only passion I have, it's kind of a dichotomy really in my case.
Ha! When I was my most interested in these fantasies of mine (which I also can't go into any detail about), I too was studying criminology and criminal psychology! I was drawn to it as I felt I understood various things about why people committed crimes, and I had a particular interest in the minds of serial killers (again, I will say no more).

I am not sure how far along the spectrum of urges you are (in terms of the specific type / activity of the urges), though in terms of the intensity of the urges, you seem fairly far along (maybe halfway...?) and I know that some people do start out on the lower end, with just vague fantasies, and then they will often progress into real life research / information / reading about and becoming fixated on it in a passive way, and then progress to looking for / watching stuff about it, and this is usually where things can get a bit difficult to control. People may watch something, and then continue the fantasy afterwards by planning something...

And eventually, for some people, that tentative to more detailed plan becomes too hard to resist acting on in real life. And this is where a BIG choice can be made. And that can be a really hard choice.

I also know right from wrong, but knowing doesn't mean I care. lol

One other thing - if I didn't have such a great mum, a loving family, and my 2 beautiful cats since I was 3 years old...I seriously think I may have acted on my...stuff. I had those things to kind of ground me a bit, way deep down.

There was also no Youtube yet during my main fantasy time. I did kind of plan nonetheless, but there were many gaps in my plan, the risk of being caught and ruining my life was too high, and eventually I became less interested partly due to a lack of stimulus and reinforcement.
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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But actually there are times where I wonder if I was simply born wrong.
I don't believe you were born wrong. For me, my...thing...is connected to various somewhat unusual sexual fetishes I developed subconsciously by the time I was 5. I had no idea what they were, and they were weird but not ominous or bad. Just non-sexual but I felt excited by them (even though I didn't know what that meant).

Only many years later did these fetishes kind of (sometimes) go to this...other place. They still do.

It's lucky I don't really have a sex drive.
 
T E_90

T E_90

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Ha! When I was my most interested in these fantasies of mine (which I also can't go into any detail about), I too was studying criminology and criminal psychology! I was drawn to it as I felt I understood various things about why people committed crimes, and I had a particular interest in the minds of serial killers (again, I will say no more).
Glad that we have so much in common, sometimes more than we think..
I've always had a passion for law, (constitution, court, trials, defense, codes, etc ..) especially criminal law, which I'm currently studying.
No idea why, but that's something I'm able to persue.
This urge started before studying law.
I'm not that good at psychology, I try, but obviously I have too searched for answers to this on my own in the past, but only when this urge became clear in my mind and changed me totally, from fantasizing to 'acting' (half way of course) I tried to look more in to that, ending up on some serial killers who could have things in common.
I was trying to look in to similarities for answers, I know that also unpleasant childhood can change you.
But despite this, I didn't find many similar to my case and felt even more alone.

I couldn't tell you where I am on the path,
I could go out an evening and be ok, as instead go out another night and find myself at the mercy of this strong 'dark presence' that controls all my brain needs as well as what I'm going to do.
Other times the desire to go out and feel this again is so strong, that I have to hold myself inside, trying to distract.
One other thing - if I didn't have such a great mum, a loving family, and my 2 beautiful cats since I was 3 years old...I seriously think I may have acted on my...stuff. I had those things to kind of ground me a bit, way deep down.

There was also no Youtube yet during my main fantasy time. I did kind of plan nonetheless, but there were many gaps in my plan, the risk of being caught and ruining my life was too high, and eventually I became less interested partly due to a lack of stimulus and reinforcement
Yup, I know that in these cases the family is very important and it's nice to hear from someone similar, that the teaching of loving animals is important and can bring great results.
At 8 I had implemented my frustrations on my cat. Had it not been for my mother, I probably would have carry on this on animals. Glad I didn't.
Now I love cats.
However, it didn't stop this.
 
T E_90

T E_90

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I don't believe you were born wrong. For me, my...thing...is connected to various somewhat unusual sexual fetishes I developed subconsciously by the time I was 5. I had no idea what they were, and they were weird but not ominous or bad. Just non-sexual but I felt excited by them (even though I didn't know what that meant).

Only many years later did these fetishes kind of (sometimes) go to this...other place. They still do.

It's lucky I don't really have a sex drive.
Thanks for your answers.
Strangely I too started having weird fantasies about sex very early, when I didn't even know what it was.
Maybe that's why I always had to look for stronger things as an adult. I don't know if this can be connected to what I have now, I didn't feel the need (nor the courage) to tell the therapist this,
since he had already framed these urges with a need for power and above all, control over the other.
One thing I'm trying to work on, along with anger and childhood remembering, which I have huge mental gaps about.
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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Glad that we have so much in common, sometimes more than we think..
I've always had a passion for law, (constitution, court, trials, defense, codes, etc ..) especially criminal law, which I'm currently studying.
No idea why, but that's something I'm able to persue.
This urge started before studying law.
I'm not that good at psychology, I try, but obviously I have too searched for answers to this on my own in the past, but only when this urge became clear in my mind and changed me totally, from fantasizing to 'acting' (half way of course) I tried to look more in to that, ending up on some serial killers who could have things in common.
I was trying to look in to similarities for answers, I know that also unpleasant childhood can change you.
But despite this, I didn't find many similar to my case and felt even more alone.

I couldn't tell you where I am on the path,
I could go out an evening and be ok, as instead go out another night and find myself at the mercy of this strong 'dark presence' that controls all my brain needs as well as what I'm going to do.
Other times the desire to go out and feel this again is so strong, that I have to hold myself inside, trying to distract.

Yup, I know that in these cases the family is very important and it's nice to hear from someone similar, that the teaching of loving animals is important and can bring great results.
At 8 I had implemented my frustrations on my cat. Had it not been for my mother, I probably would have carry on this on animals. Glad I didn't.
Now I love cats.
However, it didn't stop this.
I'm glad you love cats! A lot of sociopathic people actually do love animals. I certainly do.

I used to torture snails when I was a kid. Not all the time. It was interesting. I'd put one on the metal top plate of a BBQ in Summer and watch them. That brought no sexual enjoyment. It was just quite fascinating to observe.

I remember when reading a lot of books about serial killers, that I could understand how they felt in terms of the desires and urges. I understood them having a "type" of person they wanted, but the random selection of that person.

I also remember thinking...if I didn't love my mum (and dad) and my grandparents, who back then were still alive, SO much, I wouldn't have anything stopping me from REALLY wanting to act on my desires and fantasies. That was one part of why I never did anything. Because that ONE sort of...tie...holding me back was the thought, "What if that person was my mum?" or "What if someone else did that to MY mum?" And that sort of dampened my interest a bit.

The other part that resulted in me never acting on it was purely logical and risk vs benefit ratio-driven. Meaning, I planned to quite a high degree of detail. But as I mentioned earlier, there were gaps in my plans and this meant too much risk. I refused to ruin my life.

If not for these things (and if I had a stronger sex drive), I may be in one of those serial killer books! lol
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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Thanks for your answers.
Strangely I too started having weird fantasies about sex very early, when I didn't even know what it was.
Maybe that's why I always had to look for stronger things as an adult. I don't know if this can be connected to what I have now, I didn't feel the need (nor the courage) to tell the therapist this,
since he had already framed these urges with a need for power and above all, control over the other.
One thing I'm trying to work on, along with anger and childhood remembering, which I have huge mental gaps about.
Mmmm. I've never told any therapist about this either. Not for any reason but embarrassment about the original fetishes. They are very innocent but for me, they are sexual, and then somewhere along the line, some of that became combined with more sinister things.

I can't say any of it here. It's very detailed. I actually started a thread called The Sims somewhere on this forum, which sort of mentions some things. None of what I've mentioned there are my fantasies, but it's kind of along those lines.
 
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