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Diagnosed Psychopath/Sociopath discussion (questions welcome)

Tin Woodman

Tin Woodman

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Hello, I am diagnosed with ASPD *Anti Social Personality Disorder* and score a 37/40 on the PCL-R based on diagnosis from a trained professional. I also display severe damage to the orbitofrontal cortex on an fMRI scan due to head trauma. I am considered "severely psychopathic" according to modern medicine. I am creating this thread to hopefully attract others like me for discussion, and to answer questions from people who are curious about this topic. Feel free to ask anything, I will answer honestly thanks to the anonymity of this forum.
 
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shirley u gessed

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Wow. How old are you, when where you diagnosed, and how do you feel about this?
 
Tin Woodman

Tin Woodman

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Wow. How old are you, when where you diagnosed, and how do you feel about this?
I'm a 33-year-old male. I was diagnosed after a battle with cancer that gave me plenty of time for introspection. I am incapable of remorse but always knew that my actions and lack of emotion were abnormal. I've harmed others in large ways in life but never thought twice about it. When I had cancer I received an outpouring of support from others that I was surprised by, I didn't care about them why would they care about me? Out of curiosity and the suggestion of family I decided to see a psychologist. I became self-aware and now seek to modify my behavior. My purpose on this forum is to gain knowledge and learn to reduce my harm to others.

How do I feel about being a Psychopath? I don't experience most emotions that neurotypicals do. I see it as a logical problem that impairs my ability to survive in this world. Life to me is like a game of chess and acting aggressively and without concern to others is a losing strategy. I hope this answers your question.
 
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goodgollymiss

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Congrats on overcoming the cancer
 
Tin Woodman

Tin Woodman

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Isn't this dangerous? Advantages?
I'm assuming you mean if it is dangerous to be a person with ASPD that would be considered Psychopathic, or that a person who is Psychopathic is dangerous. The answer varies but is a solid yes. Psychopathy is a spectrum like any disorder and ranges from mild symptoms all the way to the serial killers that are thought of as being Psychopaths thanks to media and popular culture.

Am I dangerous? Yes. I was heavily abused as a child, hence the head trauma. It helped make me extremely violent and cruel towards others at a young age. I felt great contempt towards other human beings and took my rage out on them. I have done things in life that most people would consider horrific. Thankfully I've also had the influence of very kind and loving people that I believe prevented me from becoming a criminal as an adult through guidance and understanding. I should be in prison for the things that I did as a youth, but have never been arrested and never was caught thanks to cold calculation and planning. Later in life, I learned that avoiding violence was the only way to stay out of jail. I became self-aware about a year ago after being diagnosed and now am committed to controlling my behavior for the sake of myself and family.

What are the advantages of being a Psychopathic? That is a difficult question to answer because I couldn't possibly understand your paradigm to make a comparison. I lack most emotion, incapable of feeling love or feeling loved. I am married and care about my wife deeply, I would die for her but the relationship is transactional and I don't "feel" anything towards her. I don't feel any emotion towards other people in any capacity, though I still desire to be accepted by others as most people do. It can be advantageous to never be harmed by another's actions. If you tried to kill me I wouldn't be upset, I would experience excitement from the danger but no negative emotions. I don't care what other people think of me and that allows me to act in whatever way I choose, but that is what is dangerous about being psychopathic. This is why many people like me end up being detained.
 
Bluejay7500

Bluejay7500

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I like that you learned to avoid violence. My mom worked as a nurse for 45years and works in the mental field and I've gotten violent with her in the past. I do the same but patient is key. Being comfortable with my past is a struggle tho. I always feel analytical over situations that I could potentially flip out over
 
Heidrun

Heidrun

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Can you describe how others around you see you/feel about you?
 
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sab1978

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I'm assuming you mean if it is dangerous to be a person with ASPD that would be considered Psychopathic, or that a person who is Psychopathic is dangerous. The answer varies but is a solid yes. Psychopathy is a spectrum like any disorder and ranges from mild symptoms all the way to the serial killers that are thought of as being Psychopaths thanks to media and popular culture.

Am I dangerous? Yes. I was heavily abused as a child, hence the head trauma. It helped make me extremely violent and cruel towards others at a young age. I felt great contempt towards other human beings and took my rage out on them. I have done things in life that most people would consider horrific. Thankfully I've also had the influence of very kind and loving people that I believe prevented me from becoming a criminal as an adult through guidance and understanding. I should be in prison for the things that I did as a youth, but have never been arrested and never was caught thanks to cold calculation and planning. Later in life, I learned that avoiding violence was the only way to stay out of jail. I became self-aware about a year ago after being diagnosed and now am committed to controlling my behavior for the sake of myself and family.

What are the advantages of being a Psychopathic? That is a difficult question to answer because I couldn't possibly understand your paradigm to make a comparison. I lack most emotion, incapable of feeling love or feeling loved. I am married and care about my wife deeply, I would die for her but the relationship is transactional and I don't "feel" anything towards her. I don't feel any emotion towards other people in any capacity, though I still desire to be accepted by others as most people do. It can be advantageous to never be harmed by another's actions. If you tried to kill me I wouldn't be upset, I would experience excitement from the danger but no negative emotions. I don't care what other people think of me and that allows me to act in whatever way I choose, but that is what is dangerous about being psychopathic. This is why many people like me end up being detained.
It’s very interesting that you say that you don’t feel anything but that you still want to be accepted by others. Why does this acceptance matter to you...and what happens to you internally when you don’t get it?
 
Tin Woodman

Tin Woodman

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It’s very interesting that you say that you don’t feel anything but that you still want to be accepted by others. Why does this acceptance matter to you...and what happens to you internally when you don’t get it?
I might have misspoken, I do feel some things but only in brief flashes and only in small amounts. Psychopathic people still have base desires that are human but lack the emotional component. I want my mother to love me, even if I can't understand what love is. I believe that this is tied to a part of our brains that is unaffected by the condition.

When I don't gain acceptance from another person I don't feel anything. My brain tells me that I need acceptance but emotionally there is nothing. It's hard to explain because I can not relate to people who experience things that I do not. Usually, when someone is rivalrous to me I crush them through aggressive and dominant behavior. I want people to accept me because I want to win, at any cost.
 
calypso

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I think the key is what you have said, behavioural change. Have you thought about looking into the therapies that deal with behaviour as a dominant theme. I doubt you will find it easy to find one who would take you on but you need to do research into behavioural changes through therapeutic means.

I think you can make it and not give into your more destructive urges. Many who are highly successful are psychopaths such as some business men, surgeons, barristers and of all things, racing drivers. The latter is because psychopaths struggle with feeling excitement until things get really scary for the rest of us. For you it works. I know all the jobs I have mentioned are high flying but I mention it because you could look into the more cut throat arenas of life and see if you fit in there.

I am interested that you say you would die for your wife...
 
Tin Woodman

Tin Woodman

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Can you describe how others around you see you/feel about you?
People in my life usually love me at first, until the thin veil of my mask is inevitably compromised. After becoming self-ware I've tried to be open about my condition with people, it rarely has positive results. My family and co-workers are wary of me. I can sense fear from them and kind of like it. But being unable to manipulate others thanks to them knowing what I am makes me uncomfortable. I don't have a conscience, and that bothers people. I would say that most people who know what I am are fearful, and they rarely cross me because of what they believe I might do to them, unfounded or not.
 
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Zoe1

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How do I feel about being a Psychopath? I don't experience most emotions that neurotypicals do. I see it as a logical problem that impairs my ability to survive in this world. Life to me is like a game of chess and acting aggressively and without concern to others is a losing strategy. I hope this answers your question.
you dont experience most emotions
so you have occasionally experienced emotions ?
can you describe those ones that you did feel ?

:grouphug:
 
Tin Woodman

Tin Woodman

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I think the key is what you have said, behavioural change. Have you thought about looking into the therapies that deal with behaviour as a dominant theme. I doubt you will find it easy to find one who would take you on but you need to do research into behavioural changes through therapeutic means.

I think you can make it and not give into your more destructive urges. Many who are highly successful are psychopaths such as some business men, surgeons, barristers and of all things, racing drivers. The latter is because psychopaths struggle with feeling excitement until things get really scary for the rest of us. For you it works. I know all the jobs I have mentioned are high flying but I mention it because you could look into the more cut throat arenas of life and see if you fit in there.

I am interested that you say you would die for your wife...
I am currently being treated by a psychologist. I would say that the experience is more manipulative on my end and I find it difficult not to dominate the situation. I understand the benefit of acting in socially acceptable ways and strive to achieve some level of normalcy. I do this for my own comfort. I crave danger and excitement but survival comes first.

I am actually quite successful, many psychopaths are. I own a home and have worked in a high paying career for 12 years now. I'm the best at what I do. I fulfill a management position at a company that installs equipment for a microchip plant in Hillsboro, OR. I have no children, for obvious reasons.

My moral compass is highly irregular considering my condition. Thankfully I had the influence of what I believe are truly good people, and they helped shape my paradigm. My wife is one of the most oddly good-natured people I've ever met, and I met her when we were children and I was still capable of bonding. She is kind and generous to a fault. She loves me even knowing what I am and never fails to confuse me about just how patient and kind she can be. I understand logically that people like her are always cared for and looked after, so I choose to emulate this behavior as a survival strategy, even if I don't understand the emotion behind it. I say that I would die for her because I would. I honestly don't know why but I feel extremely protective over her.
 
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