Diagnose me!!!

[worryworth]

Some people think I'm dumb, some think I'm crazy and some think I'm rude but the thing that bothers me the most is when I can't make friends and even if I do the relationships usually don't last. It is so hard, I want to be likeable if not loveable. I want to be like those normal people at the parties having normal and intelligent conversation without being scare that they might say something that would hurt or embarress other people.
I love going to parties and meeting people but the problem is I don't know what is the right thing to say and the more selfconscious I feel the more outgoing I get and end up talking about things that are nonsense.
Last night hit me really hard when one of the guys at the parties said, "I would share my drink with you even if we don't get a long or see eye to eye' I never remember hurting this guy in anyway, not even after he told me that I had an argument with him about 3 years ago. I felt really bad for hurting this guy and not knowing it for a long time but I'm grateful that he brought it up last night and I got a chance to apologize even if I don't remember how and when I hurt him.
I'm not sure if I should just stay at home and disconnect from everyone or keep going out and continue to make a fool of myself by acting and saying things that are rude, dumb and stupid. I try so hard to make my outings as pleasant and polite as possible but I seem to fail because I really don't know how to act or what to say and end up hurting people or embarressing myself. Please help and guide me how to build my social skill. I value people and relationships more than anything in my life and I want to have what I value. If someone can guide me how to get rid of my problem and how to make and keep relatonships I would be forever grateful. Also what would you call my disease?. Many years ago I went to see a shrink, he called it maniac depression and prescribed me prozac. I took it for a year and got off it after the evaluation showed it did not help at all. Now I'm not depressed everyday just when I worry about things like what people think about me, what they say behind my back or omg I think I have said or done something stupid, rude and socially unacceptable at the party. Pease help and comment on my problem.
I have a feeling that some people have stopped inviting me to their parties because they are tired of me and my lack of social skill or because I'm boring.

 

[lucid scream]

i'd say go to the parties if you enjoy them overall, because you cant develp the social skills sitting alone at home, right? people will either like you or not, but theres folks out there that will like you for who you are if you be yourself.
try not to worry too much about what others think of you, its easier said than done, i know, but you will be happier when you can.

 

[connect]

It might be a cultural issue - you mentioned in the Introduce Yourself section that you're from the U.S. As far as I know and I'm probably overgeneralising here, Americans tend to take disagreements personally, even if these disagreements are on issues rather than personal insults . So the diagnosis might be "you're too honest" . What feels like a discussion to you may feel like an argument to them

 

[worryworth]

It might be a cultural issue - you mentioned in the Introduce Yourself section that you're from the U.S. As far as I know and I'm probably overgeneralising here, Americans tend to take disagreements personally, even if these disagreements are on issues rather than personal insults . So the diagnosis might be "you're too honest" . What feels like a discussion to you may feel like an argument to them

I am from India moved to the US about 7 years ago. I'm sure its a cultural issue also the language barrier. Worse is that I have very little accent that makes it hard for people to believe that I have a language barrier hence they think I purposely want to hurt them while the truth is often because I don't find a better word to express myself.

 

[connect]

That probably explains a lot... to me, it sounds like a case of culture clash and language barrier more than anything else. I'm not sure what the best way of dealing with this might be, apart from immersing yourself in the culture and observing how other people interact as much as possible... also, if you let new people you meet know about this, they will probably not judge you as harshly

 

[worryworth]

That probably explains a lot... to me, it sounds like a case of culture clash and language barrier more than anything else. I'm not sure what the best way of dealing with this might be, apart from immersing yourself in the culture and observing how other people interact as much as possible... also, if you let new people you meet know about this, they will probably not judge you as harshly

Very good point!

 

[connect]

cheers ... I was also thinking that there must be books on how to communicate with Americans, considering the large immigrant population in the US... maybe you could go to your local library and ask the librarian if they can recommend any books on this topic? Might be worth a try !

I also think that (again this may be a stereotype) Americans don't make friends in the same way that people from other countries do. For example, I found the following on a website (http://www.whoi.edu/page.do?pid=15727):

Relationships with Americans

Friendship: A particular area in which assumptions and values differ between cultures is that of friendship. Friendships among Americans can be shorter and less intense than those among people from other cultures. At least many observers from abroad have this impression. Because Americans are taught to be self-reliant, because they live in a very mobile society, and for many other reasons as well, they tend to avoid deep involvements with other people. Furthermore, Americans tend to "compartmentalize" their friendships, having their "friends at work", "friends at school", a "tennis friend", and so on. Americans often seem very friendly, even when you first meet them. This friendliness does not usually mean that the American is looking for a deeper relationship. The result of these attitudes and behaviors is sometimes viewed by foreigners as an "inability to be friends". Other times it is seen as a normal way to retain personal happiness in a mobile, ever-changing society.

So your difficulty with relationships not lasting may at least partly be due to culture, rather than you "doing something wrong".

 

[Dollit]

As a bipolar English woman I must say that I clearly identify with your inappropriate ways of speaking. I do it when I'm under stress. The people who know just smile and smooth things over. It's like I open my mouth and out things come. People who don't know about the bipolar just presume I'm eccentric. I've found a small circle of reliable and good friends is better than a huge gang of people I only know slightly.

 

[Starbright]

I would say be yourself. The more you do that, the more relaxed you will be, and the less likely you are to say weird things. It's always better to be yourself anyway, and it makes you happier than trying to please others, and trying to please others isn't so healthy, and you can't please everyone anyway.

 

[honeyquince]

Well said Starbright! It may not be the easiest of pathways to follow at the start, but if you can be true to yourself when out meeting people, that's a good foundation for future relationships and will probably be an easier and more comfortable place to be... at least you don't have to keep pretending to be someone else with people - something I find incredibly tiring.

 

[worryworth]

As a bipolar English woman I must say that I clearly identify with your inappropriate ways of speaking. I do it when I'm under stress. The people who know just smile and smooth things over. It's like I open my mouth and out things come. People who don't know about the bipolar just presume I'm eccentric. I've found a small circle of reliable and good friends is better than a huge gang of people I only know slightly.

Hi there,
Thanks for replying. I don't know if I'm bipolar, I'm not on any medications and my days are normal except when I'm out at a parties and I get uncomfortable then weird crazy things come out of my mouth. You are right, when I'm under stressed I say a lot more nonsense things. Like everyone says I need to be by myself.Easy said than done.

 

[lucid scream]

cheers ... I was also thinking that there must be books on how to communicate with Americans, considering the large immigrant population in the US... maybe you could go to your local library and ask the librarian if they can recommend any books on this topic? Might be worth a try !

I also think that (again this may be a stereotype) Americans don't make friends in the same way that people from other countries do. For example, I found the following on a website (http://www.whoi.edu/page.do?pid=15727):

Relationships with Americans

Friendship: A particular area in which assumptions and values differ between cultures is that of friendship. Friendships among Americans can be shorter and less intense than those among people from other cultures. At least many observers from abroad have this impression. Because Americans are taught to be self-reliant, because they live in a very mobile society, and for many other reasons as well, they tend to avoid deep involvements with other people. Furthermore, Americans tend to "compartmentalize" their friendships, having their "friends at work", "friends at school", a "tennis friend", and so on. Americans often seem very friendly, even when you first meet them. This friendliness does not usually mean that the American is looking for a deeper relationship. The result of these attitudes and behaviors is sometimes viewed by foreigners as an "inability to be friends". Other times it is seen as a normal way to retain personal happiness in a mobile, ever-changing society.

So your difficulty with relationships not lasting may at least partly be due to culture, rather than you "doing something wrong".

true enough. were a shallow and self-absorbed bunch.

 

[Starbright]

Interesting. I have made friends (or so I thought) with some americans on another forum and one of them suddenly left the forum and stopped answering my emails and I was really upset. I don't know if it's because she's american or just antisocial herself. I hope the others like me but having read this, perhaps they would do the same given the right circumstances. I've been feeling insecure about my other 'friendships' with Americans on there ever since. What you've written is very interesting. I'm someone who has several close friendships and I tend to want to get close to everyone I make friends with. I've been this way since I was a kid.

 

[worryworth]

Interesting. I have made friends (or so I thought) with some americans on another forum and one of them suddenly left the forum and stopped answering my emails and I was really upset. I don't know if it's because she's american or just antisocial herself. I hope the others like me but having read this, perhaps they would do the same given the right circumstances. I've been feeling insecure about my other 'friendships' with Americans on there ever since. What you've written is very interesting. I'm someone who has several close friendships and I tend to want to get close to everyone I make friends with. I've been this way since I was a kid.

I do not want to generalise and I do think that part of the problem is me and the way, place, culture I was brought up. I come from a very close community, loving family and where friendships last forever. Before I moved to the US, in my own country I used to have lots of best friends whom I would spent my nights with, taking showers together and do a lot of fun stuff that girls do when they bond with each other. I used to be comfortable among my friends, they did not tease me or call me crazy even if I said weird things. But in America its just so different but I don't think all Americans hold grudges like the person who told me that he has been mad at me for 3 years because of what I said to him. I do find a few real persons here in America where I can relate but at the same time it is hard to avoid those who call me'crazy' when they attend the same parties I attend. Yes, I do like to bond with people. I value relationships the most in life and I feel that bonding with people makes my life the richest. It is sad, disappointing and lonely when we can't make forever friends and when we feel we are not accepted the way we are.

 

[Dollit]

Well we accept you here sweetie.

Perhaps you're just not meeting the people who are right for you yet.

 

[worryworth]

Well we accept you here sweetie.

Perhaps you're just not meeting the people who are right for you yet.

SB, Thanks a lot.

 

[worryworth]

Looking back and trying to understand myself....

I was born to a very poor family, when I was a child at home from age 0-8 I was teased by everyone including my teacher. I don't remember my parents teasing me but my mom did express some negative comments about me a few time. When I was about 7 or maybe 8 (most of this have been blocked from memory) I was taken to the woods by three boys, my younger brother who must be 6 years old then, my distant uncle and another boy who were about 12 years old and the boy's sister who was my age. These boys including my brother was planning to have sex with me and the boy's sister. I don't remember if anything happened sexually. As a result of my brother and I though we don't hate each other but we are not comfortable to be in the same room and I don't ever remember looking him straight in the eye.
When I was about the same age I was touched inappropriately by a stranger and again by a different stranger when I was 14. My aunt caught me mastubating when I was 16 and again, at 23 by my group of friends, as a result I don't enjoy mastubation anymore. When I was 27 my Dr touched me inappropriately, but this one does not bother me so much since it happened when I was an adult.
At age 9 my parents sent me to live with my relatives in a town about 1/2 hr drive from my parents home. I lived with them 5 years and during my stay with them I felt the loniness, the lack of love and caring from my relatives. They did not care about me at all. They kept me there because I helped them with chores, everybody there teased me. I was not treated very well, I felt like an ugliest person in the house and never felt that those people valued me as a human being once. My safety, appearance and hygiene were not their concern. They only concerned how I did in school and if I did my chores. The constant teasing clearly told me that I was not a value child and most of the time they said I was crazy.
When I turned 16 I moved to another relative house to go to school and work for them when I was not in school. The deal was I worked for them as their servant and they paid for all my basic expenses and fed me. I was truly their servant, I worked from 6 am-9 am and 3:30 pm to 11:30 pm. I never had enough sleep and did not have time to study, I did not know how I did not flunk. To continued, I have to go.

 

[worryworth]

When I lived with my sister I did not get along with her at all, we used to fight almost everyday about everything. I also used to have frequent fights with my dad and my other siblings. I went on to finish my schooling anf earn a degree. I'm happily married now but my problem is people call me crazy and I think that I do act and say crazy things and I'm wondering if this is because of my childhood or I'm just a crazy person. I found a counselor and quite excited about my first session next week.
Comments and thoughts are all welcome.

 

[Dollit]

Every experience we have affects the way we become an adult, our experiences continue to shape us until we die. If you had all that going on in your life before the age of 18 it would be very strange if you weren't affected in some way.

Be truthful with your counsellor but be careful - you don't have to say everything all at once. I always find that telling all in one burst leaves me exhausted and not quite sure what to do next.

Good luck for next week and let us know how you get on.

 

[worryworth]

Dollit, thank you very much. I do plan to take it slowly even if it takes years to get to the place I want to be. Theraphy is expensive, my ins does not cover a penny but I'm determined that the money we spend in my theraphy sessions will be well spent.