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Devestated and Ashamed

Should I be given a 2nd chance ?

  • Yes

    Votes: 10 90.9%
  • No

    Votes: 1 9.1%

  • Total voters
    11
  • Poll closed .
P

peterrf

New member
Joined
Sep 19, 2009
Messages
1
Hi,
I am a 49yr old man.

I was married for 27yrs but my marriage split c5yrs ago due to my wife's alcoholism and then she took her own life last year. I have two children - A girl of 17 and a boy of 16. We lost our home also and as a family have experieced a very, very difficult few years.


My daughter lives in digs and my son is with a respite foster family as the fall out from his mothers death and the break up etc. left us unable to get on and caused a number of behaviours from him such as lying, stealing from me, costant arguments etc. We are getting on a little better now and trying to rebuild.

I have also been on Fluoxetine Anti Depressants for a year.

I have been with a new partner for 3yrs and we are engaged and were due to move in together last Monday.

On the Friday evening before, we went to a party/live music night at our local pub and I ended up getting incredibly drunk. A completely stupid thing to even end up drinking like that when I had not eaten and was on antibiotics. I can assure you not the norm for me.

Towards the end of the evening I noticed my fiance outside in the smoking area basically bantering/flirting with a young guy. She also squeezed his rear.

I lost the plot and threatened him. My fiance ran off.

I was incredibly mad, I can honestly say that I have never felt that way before.

However, when I was told by him he had no idea about me and by others that she was flirting, I got even angrier and drank more then left.

When I got back to the house, I tore the quilt off her and started shouting and screaming abuse at her. Calling her all sorts of horrid names.

This continued and ended up downstairs with puhing and shoving.

I only, truly, vaguely remember the details bit she has told me I grabbed her by the throat at one point, "cuffed her round the ear" (her words) and kneed her in the leg.

When I came round the next morning, the realisation of what I had done just hit me in waves.

I have NEVER EVER done anything like this before and cannot understand how I did.

The worse thing of all is that my fiance had suffered in a very abusive relationship before and had sworn never to let it happen again (although she is still good friends with her ex now).

I cannot believe what I have done and cannot tell you how ashamed I feel at having hurt her. No matter what she had done wrong, there is NO excuse for my behaviour.

Now she has told me straight and simple that it is over.

I have told her repeatedly that this was not the normal me and never has been and whilst she knows I have never been like this with her or from anythng she has heard of my past, she will not and possibly cannot accept it or go back on the promise she made herself.

I just don't know why this happened or why such anger came out of me. I can only guess that so much stress and pain from the past years, some personal issues my fiance and I were having etc. caused an explosion inside me that was let loose by the alcohol etc. and triggered by her actions. I just don't know.

I have been open and have told several friends and colleagues and visited my doctor who knows me and my past well. I don't wont to denh or hide this.

All were utterly hocked by this behaviour from me and several, including my doctor, raised the possibility that I had picked up and drunk a drink that was "spiked" with some sort of drug.

I am now devestated and incredibly ashamed at what I have done and the loss of my best friend and someone I love very much and am very lost as to what to do.

Because I had already handed in notice on my rented property and am due to leave today and have nowhere else to go I have no option but to move into my fiance's place until I can find an alternative. She has stated she would not see me on the street and agreed to this.

However, I hve stayed at a friends for a few days to give her some space.

I do not want to frighten her again and I would desperately like to try and repair what has happened but don't know what to do next.

Most importantly, what are the best things for me to do to minimise the heartache she feels and the fear of me she feels ? What do you guys think I can do that is best for her ?

Again I will tell you that nothing of this kind has ever happened before and I can assure you I will NEVER allow myself to be that drunk again.

I look forward to your honest comments.

Regards,
Peter
:(
 
A

Ainsworth

Guest
hey Peter,

i can feel you remorse you have for what happened and you wont get a judgement from me :)

your partner was already involved in an abusive relationship before and now this has happened, she scared and now has lost a trust in you. that will be hard to get back but time maybe will heal.

i havent got any useful advice apart from dont crowd your partner at this time, let things be, im guessing you could be in a steer panic to put this right and could make her feel more uneasy. i think what you need to remember is that the desicion she makes you must respect.

good luck
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Hi Peter

I am so sorry for all your troubles over the past five years, how devastating all of it must have been for you.

I guess the only person who can answer your question is your fiancé rather than people here. She has to make that decision based on her own limits of what she finds acceptable.

It does appear you did have alot of extenuating circumstances adding to the fight.

You were on anti-biotics.
You were on anti-depressants.
You were drinking excessively.
You hadn't eaten
You were about to embark on one of the top three stresses (moving house and moving in together).

All combined with your recent history and pressures I am not surprised that something gave. Drinking on anti-biotics and anti-depressants can be lethal and I wonder if it was more that than your drink being spiked.

I guess your fiancé still trusts you to a degree if she is letting you live with her still until you find a more permanent home.

I would give it time, and show her through your actions that you are remorseful as I do feel that actions do speak louder than words.

If she does decide give it another go with you, I would also try to have a discussion about the bottom pinching incident. Because if you do find that unacceptable and find that it is likely to cause further friction between you both then she needs to know your boundaries too about how you behave with other people of the opposite sex, within reason of course.
 
S

schizolanza

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Sep 22, 2008
Messages
3,160
Dont take all the blame.It sounds like you both had too much to drink.
 
Neferakhet

Neferakhet

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 13, 2009
Messages
86
Location
Beyond the Styx
I think everyone deserves a second chance and forgiveness..unless it is something utterly horrible what is done.I believe you put the blame and guilt simply too much on yourself in this incident.Remember noone can be 100 percent right about something went bad.

The majority of the blame in this case belongs to you,but I think your fiancee misbehaved and displayed an unacceptable behaviour and example of infidelity.Now she may have drunk a lot,and you too,yes she is your responsibility to make sure you watch out for her,and not let the other guys sweet on her,and need to be sober for those reasons of course.

However...why did she take advantage of your absence and started to flirt with an another guy in the smoking room? She might have been dead drunk(don't know her condition so I'm assuming)..We all know that alcohol and drugs reveal the subconscious.So probably she holds you in scant regard and maybe would prefer a younger guy to you..So there is a possibility that you will be cheated on,in some part of your relationship.Probably during the marriage.

I don't believe,be that man or woman,if she/he truly loves and care for the other can bring himself/herself to cheat on the other person.As minor it may seem,again I'd like to remind you that she was sort of betraying you while flirting with that other guy.Who knows what would happen next?,if you hadn't seen them.

I don't find your behaviour wrong.Given the state you were in,it could be expected.What did she expect you to do? throw flowers over both of them? But probably the right thing to do is to ignore the other guy,grab her hand and go home together,and talk about it with her.Again real hard to do when quite intoxicated,and it's a shattering and devastating image to see your loved one intimate with an another guy.

Apart from that.. since it was your first time behaving aggresively,and since you claim you aren't that sort of a person and never behaved like that in your three years relationship..You should definetely be entitled to a second chance.

Alas women who had been in relationship with aggresive men,and who had been mistreated,even to abusive extent..can hardly bring themselves to trust their partners in the upcoming relationship/s.So expect that she won't forgive you and will most likely to not bring herself to trust in you.

In my opinion your fiancee doesn't love you and care for you enough for two reasons.If she loved and cared for you enough she wouldn't have caused and trigger your outbirst by flirting with the other guy,and again if she had loved and cared enough for you..She would have forgiven you up to this point which she clearly did not.
 
J

jemoess

Member
Joined
Aug 18, 2009
Messages
16
Location
Australia
I want you to know that I say this with no judgement on your behaviour, on the choices you made, on you, etc.

You, I'm sure, are able to see the things that got you to that point, and it sounds like you are incredibly remorseful for it. It sounds like you'll be avoiding the things that will trigger that off.

If my hypothetical partner ever did that to me, I wouldn't give him a second chance. I'm also an abuse survivor, so I give first chances very sparingly, nevermind second chances.

But then, does she deserve the second chance? When I cheated on my (now ex) fiance, he gave me the second chance (because he was a doormat and would have done anything I asked if it meant we would be together). Someone who respects you and cares about you will not be flirting with other guys while you aren't watching. As a boyfriend's mother once put it, if you wouldn't do it with your partner watching, then it's cheating.
 
daffy

daffy

Well-known member
Moderator
Founding Member
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
14,047
Location
hiding behind the sofa
Im sorry to say this but pack your bags and leave asap. Ive been thru this and its the only way to gan her respect back. I cant say how long ,no one can . But u need to win her trust again. She may have been in the wrong pinching the blokes bum but if shed had some drink too her defences may have been low as well. The bloke says she was chatting him up, well it doesnt say much for your relationship if you would rather believe a stranger to your partner.

You say it will never happen again? How do you know. Have you stopped drinking altogether. My husband used to vow everytime would be the last. He even left 3 times to give me the space and time i needed to try and win be back and like a fool i fell for it.


Please think long and hard . If you were slightly provoked could it happen again.

And remember she must think a lot of you cos your not sitting in a prison cell. I am sorry if all this sounds harsh but im a survivor and dont like to think of anyone else suffering
 
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