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Developing Relationships

Gajolene

Gajolene

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May 30, 2012
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small town Ontario, Canada
Just a question really, last night my son asked me to help him find a girlfriend, I have watched as all his friends fall away not being able to handle his disorganized thinking, and false memories. I know people talk and are being ignorant so his chances aren't very good at finding a girlfriend in town. I think it would take a very special person to accept him for who he is, he is very happy and relaxed, a good looking young man. But being scitzophrenic obviously huge obstacles in his way. We live in a small town and I can't see it happening here.

Any ideas?:BLAH:
 
C

cfb107

Guest
This probably sounds obvious but have you thought of internet dating? That's how I met my husband :) (I had MH difficulties when we met, he knew about them before we even met, and was & is fine with it)
 
R

rainack

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UK>leeds>
Can't help as for me my mum says it's eaten my life away, it isolated me and that's all I know now, never had a relationship and never will so your son is'nt alone.

He may find someone who can relate to how he is, as cfb107 says net dating could be useful to start.
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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He's only 25 so I think there's a good chance for him. He's warm hearted, no violent tendancies and no paranoia, Thanks for the link will check it out and suggest it to him. He still thinks he is a female, inside but contradicts himself with natural male tendancies, and actions, habits. I think his female may actually be one of hallucinatory friends. A couple years ago he would talk to his "friend", a demi-god who was a really hot babe that looked like the pop artist Kesha around 18" tall and sat on his shoulder. As he explained to me at the time. I would catch him talking and gigling with her. Don't know if she is still a part of his scitzophenia or not, hasn't mentioned her, for a long time and still wasn't stabilized on the right combination of meds back then. I ruled out his being gay. Wants a girl to be in a relationship with definately.
 
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Gajolene

Gajolene

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Rainack I'm sorry you feel isolated, you should be working with counsellors to address that issue. Isolation isn't good for anybody, If you put yourself out there maybe you can find a girlfriend that will accept you for who you are. Mums' can be overprotective, I try not to be, I worry when JD is out on his own about how people percieve and treat him. It doesn't seem to bother him as long as no one pulls a nasty, cold hearted stunt on him. Friends saying ya come over then taking off before he gets there or blowing him off when he arrives. He's still not afraid to go out and be social and to keep trying.
 
R

rainack

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I am isolated yes, but not lonely :) also I hate everyone says my shrink, and yes there's a CMHT I am under.
 
T

TheRedStar

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I'm sorry that this isn't going to be the most optimistic response, but I'm a cautious fellow...

Honestly, a lot of people run a mile as soon as they catch a whiff of mental illness... I don't know what it's like trying to find someone when you've got schizophrenia, as I don't have it myself and have never personally known anyone with the condition, but I can tell you that it's very difficult when you've got depression.

As such, I think you need to consider his self-esteem and whether the - sadly - probable rejections might lead to more problems for him than his current loneliness does.

I'm sorry, I don't mean that nastily... I genuinely feel that I'm trying to be as sensitive about the situation as possible, and admit that I'm approaching it from the perspective of a different mental illness. It's just that I believe the emotional trauma and pain that relationships - and the pursuit of them - can stir up might well be counter-productive to the stable maintenance of any mental illness.
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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Location
small town Ontario, Canada
Thanks Redstar, I can relate part of my PTSD is depressional episodes and I know how destructive it is in relationships. I've been through 3 long term relationships and on my fourth more casual than anything relationship with my "not" live in boyfriend 2 and a half years now.
I have seen people with serious mental illness develop good relationships and have very supportive partners. I try to keep my optimism up and for me to be a matchmaker is the wrong person for him to ask anyway, as I am agorophobic and a social loner in the past 7 years. Online is the only way I could help him.
I think the key is honesty and full disclosure when he is making contacts. Yes people are going to be mean, run, blow him off, he's lost so many friends already. Before scitzophrenia he was a very social person and had tons of friends. He is stable on his meds however, can go out on his own shopping, banks, have rational conversations and small talk and such.
I think he should wait till he fully understands all the aspects of his scitzoprenia (I don't know if thats possible though) but being a young man and not having a girlfriend in quite some time, I can see how his natural urges would be pushing him. Someone tryed to tell me just to get him a hooker. LOL Our town is small enough 'everyone' knows everyone elses business and I don't even know if there are any hookers here, and we have a strong christian moral streak even if we don't attend any churchs', so thats out of the question.
I can't shelter him from the attitudes of the ignorant and he is better to learn to deal with those attitudes now while he is not isolated and shut in. When he does get upset, its never for long. He doesn't hold grudges and has a rosy view of the world. He quite enjoyed going on the meetme site through facebook the other day.

Almost had a disaster with a very pretty girl who tried to latch onto him the other day. Was a homeless girl, tweaked out on meth, had just lost her child to childrens services and was kicked out of her place. She tried to get my son to let her stay with him. I went in to see her on a meth rant in his room really high. I intervened (without son's knowledge through other channels) and made sure that didn't happen. I've tried to help other meth addicts in the past, when I was a union steward and in my old neighbourhood. I always amounts to a world of trouble, fights, other addicts showing up, and being robbed. I suggested to her to go to detox, but she's full on junkie. She left soon after I mentioned it. Him being so trusting and generous she would of taken advantage of him completely, taken all his money, and probably had cops called on her. Afterwards I found out she had been kicked out of our rooming house a couple months before we moved in here, for fighting and screaming and damages. So wasn't hard to send her on her way.
I'm approaching this cautiously and hoping he finds someone who could be a real asset and love in his life.
 
P

Petalsoup

Guest
could it help if he found other friends first? I always think its better if a relationship can develop naturally. Are there are MH user groups, centres etc near you? That way he could make friends with people who are more likely to be understanding. My bf and I both have MH problems and although it can make things interesting and needs a lot of communication, it also means we have empathy for each other which others might not.
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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Unfortunately no, the nearest hospital with a mental health unit and programs to socialize for MH sufferers is a 40 minute drive, no busses and I lost my licencse two years ago and sold my car. Our town is surrounded by farmland, and only offers a MH satellite office for injections and counsellor aftercare services. JD does not have an established relationship with the aftercare worker, he only checks to see JD is still stable.
 
R

rainack

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UK>leeds>
I see any form of a relationship for me as inappropriate
 
Boris

Boris

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Mental illness the same as any other label can bring about stigma etc. Gay people for example have learned the best way forward is not to hide it, but to put it out there in a funny way. It shows you have nothing to hide, and that you aren`t someone to be afraid of. It also wins a lot of respect, and can gain you many friends. A simple t-shirt with a funny comment on it can speak volumes for example, and is a great way to get noticed, and at the end of the day it`s all about being noticed, and creating the right opportunities :)
Other than that I think he`s doing all he can, getting out and socialising etc. Maybe the only thing he lacks is the confidence to approach someone, but if he`s out with friends, maybe they could do it for him, he certainly wouldn`t be the first to connect with someone in this way. As others have said maybe Internet dating could be another way forward too :)
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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Joined
May 30, 2012
Messages
7,824
Location
small town Ontario, Canada
I see any form of a relationship for me as inappropriate
Why is that Rainack?
Is this fear of reactions, or of harming someone in some way, fear of passing on inherited gene's, or of being a burden? Why would you think forming a relationship "inappropriate" I don't understand, I understand you would have fears however. Everyone has the right to form relationships, to find companionship, love even if that love is of deep kinship even if it does not grow to be romantic.
 
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