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Devastated. Mum is gone

D

dc86uk

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 2, 2019
Messages
66
Location
Cardiff
Hi all,

Been a little while since I posted. Last night, my mother took her steps into the next life. I am 34 and now officially an orphan. Knowing I will never get to see her face, hear her voice, kiss the top of her head as I did every day is killing me. Her smile and holding hands in her last days of lucidity is crushing my soul. Does this get easier over time? Can you learn to live a new normal?

Dave
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
13,578
Location
Nowhere
hi dc86uk

this happened to me when I was 17
and I didnt get help, so I didnt really get over it
now I have had help but its difficult using the help
after ive gone astray so much

I do have a life now though
and have had many adventures some of them positive
and I paint ,

im not sure I would say I ' got over it ' exactly
but maybe learned to live with it

I kind of need to work at it every day
to maintain my state of mind

hugs
 
D

dc86uk

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 2, 2019
Messages
66
Location
Cardiff
Hi Zoe,

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. And I am glad you are learning to live with it.

It is real raw at the moment. It all happened so fast and hard. 5 weeks ago she was fine. Then slight discomfort and then gone. She had a rare aggressive cancer. I did all I could to help her. Lifted out of bath, helped her to toilet, she held me whilst walking down stairs. My head is just complete scrambled eggs. I keep thinking she is going to pop her head around the corner and ask if I want a cuppa.

Crushed.

Dave
 
Blooming

Blooming

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Joined
Apr 15, 2020
Messages
268
Location
mycountry
Hi Zoe,

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. And I am glad you are learning to live with it.

It is real raw at the moment. It all happened so fast and hard. 5 weeks ago she was fine. Then slight discomfort and then gone. She had a rare aggressive cancer. I did all I could to help her. Lifted out of bath, helped her to toilet, she held me whilst walking down stairs. My head is just complete scrambled eggs. I keep thinking she is going to pop her head around the corner and ask if I want a cuppa.

Crushed.

Dave
To lose a parent is deeply depressing in whatever age one is in. I grieved so much when my father died. Grief has it's stages. We have to take the time to be healed. And to your first question: Some rest may be left, but in a positive way, a smell, a sound ... can remind you of the deceased, but when that make you feel like crying now, it may make you feel lucky that you had her at a later time. It will be like a mild wind that touches your cheek and you will probably smile ... :hug:
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
5,217
Location
Nashua NH
Hi all,

Been a little while since I posted. Last night, my mother took her steps into the next life. I am 34 and now officially an orphan. Knowing I will never get to see her face, hear her voice, kiss the top of her head as I did every day is killing me. Her smile and holding hands in her last days of lucidity is crushing my soul. Does this get easier over time? Can you learn to live a new normal?

Dave
I’m very sorry for your loss, Dave.:hug:
 
K

khuang

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 26, 2014
Messages
940
Location
Avenue Q in the US
I lost my mom when I was 28. I had already accepted that she was going to die because she had stage 4 lung cancer and there was time during her treatment to accept the fact that she didn’t have much more time to live. I got through the grieving process by going to therapy and being around people. If you stay busy during the day then your mind won’t be thinking about your loss. It does get a little bit easier as time goes on. I was a mess shortly after my mom died but it was for a completely different reason that happened two weeks after I had lost her.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

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May 25, 2020
Messages
7,000
Location
England
I am so very sorry you have lost your mother. My heart goes out to you. I know you will be in a world of pain right now. You are in my thoughts.
 
D

Daringdan

Well-known member
Joined
May 8, 2020
Messages
205
Location
Louisville, Ky
Dave,
Sorry for your loss. I don't know what to write. I must be so difficult to say the least. Peace be with you.
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
13,578
Location
Nowhere
Hi Zoe,

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. And I am glad you are learning to live with it.

It is real raw at the moment. It all happened so fast and hard. 5 weeks ago she was fine. Then slight discomfort and then gone. She had a rare aggressive cancer. I did all I could to help her. Lifted out of bath, helped her to toilet, she held me whilst walking down stairs. My head is just complete scrambled eggs. I keep thinking she is going to pop her head around the corner and ask if I want a cuppa.

Crushed.

Dave
that is so sweet and loving Dave
she is still with you


:hug5:
 
Ozymandias

Ozymandias

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 12, 2019
Messages
310
Location
West London
Dave,

My deepest condolences for your loss... my own mum passed away at the beginning of March, and even six months later I can't quite believe that she's gone for good. I cried a lot at first, and while the tears abated after several weeks the sadness remained. After several months, when all of the connotations finally sank in, a sense of profound emptiness developed... mum was my last close relative - my father died in 1995, my grandparents are long gone, my uncle passed away at the end of last year, and I have no siblings - and without her I feel very alone in the world. Even though I'm fortunate enough to have friends - some of them close, and long-term - and have never been particularly family orientated, nevertheless being left without any close blood relations has caused me to feel isolated in a way I know I'll never be able to 'fix'.

It has gotten easier though... I remind myself that outliving our parents is the 'normal' way of things, ergo a situation that most of us have to face at some point, and so while there are aspects of mum's passing that I admit I've struggled to reconcile myself with, I tell myself that I can't really feel any sense of injustice at the fundamental situation. It's also the case that, unfortunately, mum suffered a lot during the last few months of her life, and when I remember that I'm adamant it's better for her to have been released from the pain she endured, rather than to still be here continuing to go through agony. With that in mind, I don't want to say I'm 'glad' she's gone - that's completely the wrong word - but... it's better that she passed, I think. Maybe not for the people who miss her, but it's not about us.

I hope that your pain begins to ease soon... I would like to recommend Cruse Bereavement Care for if you find yourself wanting more support. While I ultimately didn't turn to them myself, I know people who have and found them to be very helpful.
 
L

lostwonderer12

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 19, 2020
Messages
49
Location
toronto ontario
Hi all,

Been a little while since I posted. Last night, my mother took her steps into the next life. I am 34 and now officially an orphan. Knowing I will never get to see her face, hear her voice, kiss the top of her head as I did every day is killing me. Her smile and holding hands in her last days of lucidity is crushing my soul. Does this get easier over time? Can you learn to live a new normal?

Dave
I have lost a family member to and it was very hard for myself just like you...it was heartbreaking. It still is but you do feel better over time and start to understand that it's Part of life. Time should help and at first it's pretty difficult. It eases up for me but Ill never forget them it just takes time to deal with so much stress at once. Talking about it really helps. I can tell you about my experience feel free to msg me and let me know what's on your mind? Hope you start calming down and feeling better. But definitely one thing that helps is letting your emotions take over and if you have to cry than cry! It releases all those confused and sad feelings and helps you retrain and comfort your brain! I've been there before!
 
D

dc86uk

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 2, 2019
Messages
66
Location
Cardiff
Hi all,

I really do appreciate you guys and taking the time out of your days to chat with me, a complete stranger. It really makes a difference and makes me realise there can be a better future if I stay strong and ride the emotional waves.

She taught me well and her final lesson was how to face this evil illness down. No tears, no pity for herself, chin up and back straight. She was an absolute force of nature. I will miss her terribly.

Thank you all once again for your kind words.

Dave xx
 
D

dc86uk

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 2, 2019
Messages
66
Location
Cardiff
To lose a parent is deeply depressing in whatever age one is in. I grieved so much when my father died. Grief has it's stages. We have to take the time to be healed. And to your first question: Some rest may be left, but in a positive way, a smell, a sound ... can remind you of the deceased, but when that make you feel like crying now, it may make you feel lucky that you had her at a later time. It will be like a mild wind that touches your cheek and you will probably smile ... :hug:
Hi Blooming,

I am so sorry to hear about your dad. Heartbreaking.

I have been reading a book during this difficult time called The Adult Orphan Club by a young lady called Flora Baker. Her mother died when she was 21(ish) and then her dad when she was 30. She had no siblings, no aunties or uncles etc. Just herself. And she describes the processes and one thing I have really learned from it is to be kind to myself. I did all I could to help my mum, I would have taken on her illness if I could. But unfortunately that was not possible. I have no regrets about my actions or hang ups or would of should of. I handled it how I could and that was it.

Thank you for your message

Dave
 
D

dc86uk

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 2, 2019
Messages
66
Location
Cardiff
I lost my mom when I was 28. I had already accepted that she was going to die because she had stage 4 lung cancer and there was time during her treatment to accept the fact that she didn’t have much more time to live. I got through the grieving process by going to therapy and being around people. If you stay busy during the day then your mind won’t be thinking about your loss. It does get a little bit easier as time goes on. I was a mess shortly after my mom died but it was for a completely different reason that happened two weeks after I had lost her.
Hi Khuang,

I am sorry to hear about your situation. And extremely sorry about the issue post your mum's passing.

Cancer is such an evil illness, they can combat it more in modern times but the consultant said that mum's was untreatable. I was crushed for her. I guess you could say we were "lucky" that she went so fast she didn't really know they could not treat her.

Take care and all my blessings to you.

Dave
 
D

dc86uk

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 2, 2019
Messages
66
Location
Cardiff
I am so very sorry you have lost your mother. My heart goes out to you. I know you will be in a world of pain right now. You are in my thoughts.
Thanks bdp2020, your message means alot, I really appreciate you

Dave
 
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