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Deteriorating mental health : I need to get a lot off my chest

D

Dg628

New member
Joined
Feb 14, 2021
Messages
4
Location
United States
I have no one to talk to about this. I have no friends , family and I don’t see a therapist.

I wasnt really sure where to post this either. I think I have several issues.


I’m hoping the people here will read this and understand. I wouldn’t say I’m as depressed anymore now that I’ve found the root of my problem , but I still feel a huge sense of not belonging and I’ve really grown to hate my physical life.

I’ll start with the my inability to pay attention. I think I have bad ADD and I’m pretty low iq , if not just impulsive sometimes. If something doesn’t interest me enough I can’t pay attention very well. I used to be on ADHD meds long ago but my dad took me off of them.

I might see a psychiatrist about that soon.


My second issue is I don’t pick up social ques very well. I dont think I’m Autistic , maybe a slight aspie but there’s some things that I’ve only now started to pickup on and become aware of and I also socially distance myself , especially now. Sometimes I’ll be very unfiltered but I still have a basic understanding of what socially acceptable and what’s not. Sometimes I guess I just don’t care and speak my mind.

I don’t try to make friends anymore and I know I definitely come off as cold or apathetic in most social situations. I definitely don’t feel like I can connect or relate to anyone. Especially now since my mental health has been declining the last few years.

I’m 23 , I tried the army , didn’t work out very well , I got discharged after a year and some months when I was 19 due to depression and not being able to handle all the stress. Everyone at my unit hated me anyway.


I’ve been doing construction a long time and about a year ago , I was finally able to start in electrical which is a good trade and I’m working on getting accepted with the union which is very tough , especially the area I’m in because of the lower market share.

I moved from Virginia to San Diego to get away from my family and surprisingly I’m doing okay considering the circumstances. I don’t have any support system or anything like that.

I’ve lived out of a pickup truck for a long time ( currently staying somewhere) and might be looking at van life again soon to save and invest my money until I can break into the real estate market here. Vanlife is pretty easy to do in San Diego Pre covid. I’ve been told I’m difficult to live with sometimes because I have to be reminded to do things and I’ve been screwed by roommates before so I’ll take my chances roughing it.


Now that I’ve given some background , here’s what I’ve realized over my short life.

I’m depressed and feel isolated because I genuinely feel I don’t really belong here. Like in this physical body , apart of the human race, etc. I honestly didn’t realize this until the last few years. It’s starting to all click now. I feel very dead inside and like I’m going through the motions at this point. I don’t really partake in my hobbies much anymore , my biggest one which was playing music. Guitar specifically.

I just work , eat and sleep , sometimes go to the gym to lift but I haven’t been doing a lot either between having to constantly find new ones due to covid and most recently , getting my shoulder scuffed up in a car accident. My truck was tboned at a light.


I have to be or Atleast it definitely feels like , I’m the most hated man in the world. I’m talking more than Donald Trump. Like people genuinely hate me or want to hurt me. Some are very up front about it and some aren’t but I can pick up on the angry and resenting vibe when they’re around me. People also seem to think I’m retarded or low iq, so I’m constantly tested in my line of work.

You work with a lot of violent ex cons , felons , and just down right power trips in the skilled trades. I can’t complain , college definitely isn’t for me and I enjoy the electrical trade itself. The lifestyle definitely isn’t for everyone , I’ll tell you that.

I’ve been constantly told by everyone around me I’m a useless idiot , who isn’t going anywhere , I’ll never succeed in life , I’m a loser because I can’t keep a roof over my head , I should just kill myself, etc.

It’s gotten to the point where anything negative just sounds like a broken record now. I already know what everyone thinks of me at this point and I honestly don’t know if it affects me , your subconscious can’t filter things out like your conscious can , but it’s hard to stay positive when almost your whole life that’s all you’ve gotten.

Family members , people I was in the army with , coworkers , superiors , it’s everyone.

No one thinks I’m capable of anything. A lot of people definitely hate me and I never really understood why or what I ever did. Sometimes I come off a little apathetic but for the most part I don’t go out of my way nor am I rude to anyone. I don’t like kicking people down either , I know what it’s like to get that constantly.

I Especially don’t understand it with my family. I have two female cousins who hate my guts , my moms bipolar and is a horrible mother , my father tried to change his ways much later in his life but I think he just wasn’t capable of being a good parent despite trying better.

My extended family has always showed favoritism , blatantly and doesn’t bother to ask me how I am , if I need support or help with this and that , etc. God forbid my female cousins get just a flat tire or something , the whole family will show up to help.

I’ve only been recently contacted by my great aunt because the family house back in VA burnt down and after my dad passed , I had a share in the house ( originally my grandmothers). The lawyer can’t negotiate the payout without every share holder pretty much.


My only family member who cares about me is my sister and I’ve only recently be in contact with her again. She definitely understands me better than anyone because she’s faced some of the same things growing up but she has a living SO and a lot of friends so i feel like she can only relate so much.


If I’m being honest and I’m not trying to sound edgy , I’ve grown so jaded I just hate everyone now. I don’t ever show it , I’m still cordial with people and try to come as somewhat nice but deep down I hate all humans now.

I feel like throwing up knowing I’m human and I have to live this physical existence where I’m numb and miserable until I die.

What kept me going for a long time was telling myself I’ll prove everyone wrong but now I just want to prove enough to myself and after that I really don’t care what happens to me.

I haven’t decided if that’s after getting accepted into the electricians union as an apprentice down here ( definitely no easy feat) or if that’s not until I build enough wealth and after I complete the union programto become a journeyman and get a decent condo near the beach.

I’ll have to live out of a van for a few years and save and invest most of my money for the latter but I think it’s definitely doable. I made decent money off of the dogecoin surge and I’m investing in some other real promising projects and have doubled my initial investment already over the last few weeks.

If I can do it , anyone can. Anyway , will I just KMS after I find my success ? Maybe , maybe not. I won’t see the point of living after it.

Maybe I’ll get lucky and get in another accident and this time my pickup truck will roll or flip and kill me before then. Who knows.

I’ll leave it at that. Some of you might want to persuade me to talk about some of this with a professional but I know therapy won’t fix me. No amount Of meds or therapy will fix my root problem.

I’m ostracized and hated. Also probably mildly retarded. There’s no fixing that.

I’ll just continue to ride the wave like a surfer into the sunset until I feel I’ve accomplished enough.

I honestly believe we’re not here for any higher purpose other than the human experience and that after we die , our souls return to their original source/plane of existence.

Thanks to anyone who read all of that. It’s means everything to me and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Seriously, thank so much.
 
D

Dg628

New member
Joined
Feb 14, 2021
Messages
4
Location
United States
Also : sorry for all the grammatical errors. I should’ve proof read it before submitting. Auto correct is terrible , not sure why it ever became a thing.
 
soul searching

soul searching

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 5, 2020
Messages
997
Location
Clearwater, Florida
:welcome: Dg! Wow! In my opinion you are in the grips of a major depressive episode. This can cause some of your symptoms. I definitely don't think you are not retarded, even mildly. Everything you said is sooo sad! Depression can affect you in many different ways. I would definitely see a psychiatrist and in the meantime keep talking here. You can find a lot of support here. I am in group therapy, have upcoming appointments with my psychologist, and am on meds for schizophrenia. It is all helping a lot. Had to wait 3 months, though to get it. Sending you lots of love:hug5:
 
jajingna

jajingna

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 31, 2020
Messages
4,537
Location
Canada
I dunno, that was pretty well-written, and had some smart-sounding words like "ostracize" in there. But you say "low IQ" and such. Not sure what the deal is there, maybe a poor self-image?
 
A

Alexander Ypsilantis

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 3, 2020
Messages
1,120
Location
USA
I have no one to talk to about this. I have no friends , family and I don’t see a therapist.

I wasnt really sure where to post this either. I think I have several issues.


I’m hoping the people here will read this and understand. I wouldn’t say I’m as depressed anymore now that I’ve found the root of my problem , but I still feel a huge sense of not belonging and I’ve really grown to hate my physical life.

I’ll start with the my inability to pay attention. I think I have bad ADD and I’m pretty low iq , if not just impulsive sometimes. If something doesn’t interest me enough I can’t pay attention very well. I used to be on ADHD meds long ago but my dad took me off of them.

I might see a psychiatrist about that soon.


My second issue is I don’t pick up social ques very well. I dont think I’m Autistic , maybe a slight aspie but there’s some things that I’ve only now started to pickup on and become aware of and I also socially distance myself , especially now. Sometimes I’ll be very unfiltered but I still have a basic understanding of what socially acceptable and what’s not. Sometimes I guess I just don’t care and speak my mind.

I don’t try to make friends anymore and I know I definitely come off as cold or apathetic in most social situations. I definitely don’t feel like I can connect or relate to anyone. Especially now since my mental health has been declining the last few years.

I’m 23 , I tried the army , didn’t work out very well , I got discharged after a year and some months when I was 19 due to depression and not being able to handle all the stress. Everyone at my unit hated me anyway.


I’ve been doing construction a long time and about a year ago , I was finally able to start in electrical which is a good trade and I’m working on getting accepted with the union which is very tough , especially the area I’m in because of the lower market share.

I moved from Virginia to San Diego to get away from my family and surprisingly I’m doing okay considering the circumstances. I don’t have any support system or anything like that.

I’ve lived out of a pickup truck for a long time ( currently staying somewhere) and might be looking at van life again soon to save and invest my money until I can break into the real estate market here. Vanlife is pretty easy to do in San Diego Pre covid. I’ve been told I’m difficult to live with sometimes because I have to be reminded to do things and I’ve been screwed by roommates before so I’ll take my chances roughing it.


Now that I’ve given some background , here’s what I’ve realized over my short life.

I’m depressed and feel isolated because I genuinely feel I don’t really belong here. Like in this physical body , apart of the human race, etc. I honestly didn’t realize this until the last few years. It’s starting to all click now. I feel very dead inside and like I’m going through the motions at this point. I don’t really partake in my hobbies much anymore , my biggest one which was playing music. Guitar specifically.

I just work , eat and sleep , sometimes go to the gym to lift but I haven’t been doing a lot either between having to constantly find new ones due to covid and most recently , getting my shoulder scuffed up in a car accident. My truck was tboned at a light.


I have to be or Atleast it definitely feels like , I’m the most hated man in the world. I’m talking more than Donald Trump. Like people genuinely hate me or want to hurt me. Some are very up front about it and some aren’t but I can pick up on the angry and resenting vibe when they’re around me. People also seem to think I’m retarded or low iq, so I’m constantly tested in my line of work.

You work with a lot of violent ex cons , felons , and just down right power trips in the skilled trades. I can’t complain , college definitely isn’t for me and I enjoy the electrical trade itself. The lifestyle definitely isn’t for everyone , I’ll tell you that.

I’ve been constantly told by everyone around me I’m a useless idiot , who isn’t going anywhere , I’ll never succeed in life , I’m a loser because I can’t keep a roof over my head , I should just kill myself, etc.

It’s gotten to the point where anything negative just sounds like a broken record now. I already know what everyone thinks of me at this point and I honestly don’t know if it affects me , your subconscious can’t filter things out like your conscious can , but it’s hard to stay positive when almost your whole life that’s all you’ve gotten.

Family members , people I was in the army with , coworkers , superiors , it’s everyone.

No one thinks I’m capable of anything. A lot of people definitely hate me and I never really understood why or what I ever did. Sometimes I come off a little apathetic but for the most part I don’t go out of my way nor am I rude to anyone. I don’t like kicking people down either , I know what it’s like to get that constantly.

I Especially don’t understand it with my family. I have two female cousins who hate my guts , my moms bipolar and is a horrible mother , my father tried to change his ways much later in his life but I think he just wasn’t capable of being a good parent despite trying better.

My extended family has always showed favoritism , blatantly and doesn’t bother to ask me how I am , if I need support or help with this and that , etc. God forbid my female cousins get just a flat tire or something , the whole family will show up to help.

I’ve only been recently contacted by my great aunt because the family house back in VA burnt down and after my dad passed , I had a share in the house ( originally my grandmothers). The lawyer can’t negotiate the payout without every share holder pretty much.


My only family member who cares about me is my sister and I’ve only recently be in contact with her again. She definitely understands me better than anyone because she’s faced some of the same things growing up but she has a living SO and a lot of friends so i feel like she can only relate so much.


If I’m being honest and I’m not trying to sound edgy , I’ve grown so jaded I just hate everyone now. I don’t ever show it , I’m still cordial with people and try to come as somewhat nice but deep down I hate all humans now.

I feel like throwing up knowing I’m human and I have to live this physical existence where I’m numb and miserable until I die.

What kept me going for a long time was telling myself I’ll prove everyone wrong but now I just want to prove enough to myself and after that I really don’t care what happens to me.

I haven’t decided if that’s after getting accepted into the electricians union as an apprentice down here ( definitely no easy feat) or if that’s not until I build enough wealth and after I complete the union programto become a journeyman and get a decent condo near the beach.

I’ll have to live out of a van for a few years and save and invest most of my money for the latter but I think it’s definitely doable. I made decent money off of the dogecoin surge and I’m investing in some other real promising projects and have doubled my initial investment already over the last few weeks.

If I can do it , anyone can. Anyway , will I just KMS after I find my success ? Maybe , maybe not. I won’t see the point of living after it.

Maybe I’ll get lucky and get in another accident and this time my pickup truck will roll or flip and kill me before then. Who knows.

I’ll leave it at that. Some of you might want to persuade me to talk about some of this with a professional but I know therapy won’t fix me. No amount Of meds or therapy will fix my root problem.

I’m ostracized and hated. Also probably mildly retarded. There’s no fixing that.

I’ll just continue to ride the wave like a surfer into the sunset until I feel I’ve accomplished enough.

I honestly believe we’re not here for any higher purpose other than the human experience and that after we die , our souls return to their original source/plane of existence.

Thanks to anyone who read all of that. It’s means everything to me and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Seriously, thank so much.
If you're becoming an electrician I'd say you have a lot going for you, that's not easy to do.

You just gotta take each day as it comes, try not to look too far into the future.

You've come to the right forum if you want to talk and vent, a lot of folks are here for that. COVID hasn't helped a lot of our issues, that's for sure.

Anyway, welcome to the forum and don't be afraid to participate. There is peace in knowing you're not the only one dealing with a lot of issues right now, you have a lot of company in this forum.
 
M

ManDss

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 22, 2018
Messages
843
Location
Argentina
My asvice is try to dont care about what others say.

And try to find people you like.

Distance from the people u dont like. They are second actors of ur life.

Just focus on you. Maybe u can find people like you online. Take a try.
 
Prettyroses99

Prettyroses99

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 23, 2020
Messages
218
Location
California, USA
So who are these people that tell you that you're worthless? I've met numerous types of people and no one is worthless.
 
M

MouthyOne

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 14, 2020
Messages
170
Location
Scotland
Hi,

You are very aware of what's going on to the point of maybe being over aware.

There is a lot of generalising as well, everyone hates you? Sounds a lot like mind chatter so not sure that would be the case. This could be projection as if the mind is wandered it, logically, will look for way to validate the thoughts.

On the plus you are starting a trade, are working and the talk of seeking help is a good start.

Wish you well!
 
K

karl7

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
918
Welcome to the forums dg628......this is a nice understanding place
 
jajingna

jajingna

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 31, 2020
Messages
4,537
Location
Canada
I’ve been constantly told by everyone around me I’m a useless idiot
Seems to me like those people were wrong. No one who reads your post will think that. You wrote an intelligent message, and you are doing something useful with yourself, trying to have a decent life.
 
A

AndyRoo3279

Member
Joined
Feb 15, 2021
Messages
16
Location
Scarborough
A lot of humans aren't worth listening to,your yourself,be proud of that,I'm a miserable person,I hate people to an extent,but there's a lot of good ones out there,and most of them are on these forums. Keep going my friend,and I wish you get the breaks in life you thoroughly deserve.
 
J

JeanPierre

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
2,031
Location
Southern USA
Pour that depression into writing.
That's how great art is expressed.
That was a great story. I mean it. Write.
 
Prettyroses99

Prettyroses99

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 23, 2020
Messages
218
Location
California, USA
I have no one to talk to about this. I have no friends , family and I don’t see a therapist.

I wasnt really sure where to post this either. I think I have several issues.


I’m hoping the people here will read this and understand. I wouldn’t say I’m as depressed anymore now that I’ve found the root of my problem , but I still feel a huge sense of not belonging and I’ve really grown to hate my physical life.

I’ll start with the my inability to pay attention. I think I have bad ADD and I’m pretty low iq , if not just impulsive sometimes. If something doesn’t interest me enough I can’t pay attention very well. I used to be on ADHD meds long ago but my dad took me off of them.

I might see a psychiatrist about that soon.


My second issue is I don’t pick up social ques very well. I dont think I’m Autistic , maybe a slight aspie but there’s some things that I’ve only now started to pickup on and become aware of and I also socially distance myself , especially now. Sometimes I’ll be very unfiltered but I still have a basic understanding of what socially acceptable and what’s not. Sometimes I guess I just don’t care and speak my mind.

I don’t try to make friends anymore and I know I definitely come off as cold or apathetic in most social situations. I definitely don’t feel like I can connect or relate to anyone. Especially now since my mental health has been declining the last few years.

I’m 23 , I tried the army , didn’t work out very well , I got discharged after a year and some months when I was 19 due to depression and not being able to handle all the stress. Everyone at my unit hated me anyway.


I’ve been doing construction a long time and about a year ago , I was finally able to start in electrical which is a good trade and I’m working on getting accepted with the union which is very tough , especially the area I’m in because of the lower market share.

I moved from Virginia to San Diego to get away from my family and surprisingly I’m doing okay considering the circumstances. I don’t have any support system or anything like that.

I’ve lived out of a pickup truck for a long time ( currently staying somewhere) and might be looking at van life again soon to save and invest my money until I can break into the real estate market here. Vanlife is pretty easy to do in San Diego Pre covid. I’ve been told I’m difficult to live with sometimes because I have to be reminded to do things and I’ve been screwed by roommates before so I’ll take my chances roughing it.


Now that I’ve given some background , here’s what I’ve realized over my short life.

I’m depressed and feel isolated because I genuinely feel I don’t really belong here. Like in this physical body , apart of the human race, etc. I honestly didn’t realize this until the last few years. It’s starting to all click now. I feel very dead inside and like I’m going through the motions at this point. I don’t really partake in my hobbies much anymore , my biggest one which was playing music. Guitar specifically.

I just work , eat and sleep , sometimes go to the gym to lift but I haven’t been doing a lot either between having to constantly find new ones due to covid and most recently , getting my shoulder scuffed up in a car accident. My truck was tboned at a light.


I have to be or Atleast it definitely feels like , I’m the most hated man in the world. I’m talking more than Donald Trump. Like people genuinely hate me or want to hurt me. Some are very up front about it and some aren’t but I can pick up on the angry and resenting vibe when they’re around me. People also seem to think I’m retarded or low iq, so I’m constantly tested in my line of work.

You work with a lot of violent ex cons , felons , and just down right power trips in the skilled trades. I can’t complain , college definitely isn’t for me and I enjoy the electrical trade itself. The lifestyle definitely isn’t for everyone , I’ll tell you that.

I’ve been constantly told by everyone around me I’m a useless idiot , who isn’t going anywhere , I’ll never succeed in life , I’m a loser because I can’t keep a roof over my head , I should just kill myself, etc.

It’s gotten to the point where anything negative just sounds like a broken record now. I already know what everyone thinks of me at this point and I honestly don’t know if it affects me , your subconscious can’t filter things out like your conscious can , but it’s hard to stay positive when almost your whole life that’s all you’ve gotten.

Family members , people I was in the army with , coworkers , superiors , it’s everyone.

No one thinks I’m capable of anything. A lot of people definitely hate me and I never really understood why or what I ever did. Sometimes I come off a little apathetic but for the most part I don’t go out of my way nor am I rude to anyone. I don’t like kicking people down either , I know what it’s like to get that constantly.

I Especially don’t understand it with my family. I have two female cousins who hate my guts , my moms bipolar and is a horrible mother , my father tried to change his ways much later in his life but I think he just wasn’t capable of being a good parent despite trying better.

My extended family has always showed favoritism , blatantly and doesn’t bother to ask me how I am , if I need support or help with this and that , etc. God forbid my female cousins get just a flat tire or something , the whole family will show up to help.

I’ve only been recently contacted by my great aunt because the family house back in VA burnt down and after my dad passed , I had a share in the house ( originally my grandmothers). The lawyer can’t negotiate the payout without every share holder pretty much.


My only family member who cares about me is my sister and I’ve only recently be in contact with her again. She definitely understands me better than anyone because she’s faced some of the same things growing up but she has a living SO and a lot of friends so i feel like she can only relate so much.


If I’m being honest and I’m not trying to sound edgy , I’ve grown so jaded I just hate everyone now. I don’t ever show it , I’m still cordial with people and try to come as somewhat nice but deep down I hate all humans now.

I feel like throwing up knowing I’m human and I have to live this physical existence where I’m numb and miserable until I die.

What kept me going for a long time was telling myself I’ll prove everyone wrong but now I just want to prove enough to myself and after that I really don’t care what happens to me.

I haven’t decided if that’s after getting accepted into the electricians union as an apprentice down here ( definitely no easy feat) or if that’s not until I build enough wealth and after I complete the union programto become a journeyman and get a decent condo near the beach.

I’ll have to live out of a van for a few years and save and invest most of my money for the latter but I think it’s definitely doable. I made decent money off of the dogecoin surge and I’m investing in some other real promising projects and have doubled my initial investment already over the last few weeks.

If I can do it , anyone can. Anyway , will I just KMS after I find my success ? Maybe , maybe not. I won’t see the point of living after it.

Maybe I’ll get lucky and get in another accident and this time my pickup truck will roll or flip and kill me before then. Who knows.

I’ll leave it at that. Some of you might want to persuade me to talk about some of this with a professional but I know therapy won’t fix me. No amount Of meds or therapy will fix my root problem.

I’m ostracized and hated. Also probably mildly retarded. There’s no fixing that.

I’ll just continue to ride the wave like a surfer into the sunset until I feel I’ve accomplished enough.

I honestly believe we’re not here for any higher purpose other than the human experience and that after we die , our souls return to their original source/plane of existence.

Thanks to anyone who read all of that. It’s means everything to me and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Seriously, thank so much.
Have you looked into the YMCA as your gym? Since your homeless you should contact Jewish families services of San Diego 858 637 3000. You can park and live out of your van there and you don't have to be Jewish either. 8804 Balboa Ave, San Diego, CA 92123 They have food, showers, a day room with TV, and internet access.

I also live in San Diego and getting into the electricians union is a great accomplishment.
 
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