Despreate for help

J

johnsmith2222

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Joined
Mar 24, 2019
Messages
15
Location
grand rapids michigan
#1
Hello everyone, I'm late stage emphezema and probably dont have long. I've suffered from some minor bipolar mania my whole life. nothing disabling. mostly hiperactivity and mood swings. I've allways been a very social person with lots of good friends. I even started a tiger woods club with a hundred members for the game on xbox and brought it to the number 1 club in the world. That took some social skills believe me. Over the last few years my anxiety and panic has been steadily worsning. I retired as gm of my golf club becuse I could no longer bring my self to get online. I lost contact with all the great people I used to enjoy and play with. And I got so much happiness from all that. I have been unable to contact any of the lifetime friend I have. who are as close to me as any family. not to mention my brothers and sisters. My sister lives in the same town as me and i can not bring myself to call her in over a year. not even for christmas. I sit in my room never go outside. I feel like my mind is shreading. I shake . I have body spasms and yell out loud when I have a bad thought. I get severe panic attacks, I stay awake for days because when I try to sleep I just lie there with my mind racing and even when I sleep I just dream nonsence that repeates itself over and over. Anyway you get the idea. Im suffering very badly.

I'm a long haired hippie who used to party a lot. Ive done some drugs over the years but never life altering. Ive always had a job and took care my responsibilities. all ways stopped any behavior that was becoming detrimental.


My first attempts to get help were ridiculous. I finally couldn't take it one day and went to the emergency room in Texas. the older doctor who i talked to was actually mean to me. telling me i came to the wrong place to try to get drugs and other things of that nature. Obviously because I look like a druggy with my long hair and cloths.

I came to Michigan and went to mental health seeking help, I tried to explain the severity of my symptoms to the psychiatrist there and he just kept saying things like that's normal or lots of people feel like that. He even told me not sleeping for three days was normal and lots of people do that. This was the guy in charge. The first real primary physician i had for my emphysema literally walked out of the room while while I was trying to explain my symptoms saying "Your on enough drugs" This was because I'm a medical marijuana user in Michigan (for seizures) and he disproved. Ive tried 2 more doctors since then and they basically tell me I should seek counseling. I know Its because Im a medical marijuana user and they think I'm a drug seeker. I dont even understand how people can do things like anxiety medications recreationly. It certainly doesnt have any effect on me that i would find appealing.


I'm going to die soon, I already need help brushing my hair and showering and things like that, Both my parents went this was I know where I'm at, soon Ill be hospitalized. I Don't think its fair or rite that I should suffer so severly every day for the time i have left because I used to party and do drugs some times. when there are things that could help me. I just want to be able to talk to my loved ones and maybe go see a concert or some social event and have a good time before its no longer an option. Dosn't the improvements to the quality of my life far outway any potential detrements medication could cause? I've known plenty of people who have been helped by anxiety medications over the years and none of them had symptoms even remotely close to the severity of what I'm living with. What could happen? Am going to turn into a pill addict or something? I have a year before Im hospitalized If im lucky.


Anyway thanks for listening. I'm posting this here because no matter how hard I try I can't figure anything to do to try to get help. If anyone has any advice, or (Please God) the name of a doctor central Michigan who would look into my situation and see if there are any options left for me, It could make the difference between me suffering in hell till I die or maybe being able to enjoy a few more good times with my friends and family.


Thanks again.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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Magical fairy wonderland xxxx
#2
hi ,i just wanted to send love and say ,i am really sorry for what you are going through
my mummy had emphazema and it was hard
i wish you every luck
and hope things work out for you
you are very welcome here
love fairy Lu xx
 
daffy

daffy

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#3
Hello John Smith and welcome. It sounds like your having a tough time. I’m in the uk so not sure how it would work for you. Can you not go for a second opinion. My sister has the same disease and uses a nebuliser and that helps her quite a bit when the inhalers weren’t enough. Hope you get the help you need

Daf:hug:
 
J

johnsmith2222

Member
Joined
Mar 24, 2019
Messages
15
Location
grand rapids michigan
#4
Thanks For your replies Guys. Ive had Failing lungs for many years now. My mother who was dying at the time told me her lungs were not as bad as mine till she was 15 years older than I was. She went at 55. I,ve seen a few diffrent doctors over the years and the truth is theres only so much they can do. I'm on 2 long term medication spiriva and advair. I use abuterole daily and have a nebuliser. I took a test where your attached to the machine while you sleep to test your oxegyn levels 2 years ago and my doctor said "good news your 1 point away from needing oxegyn. obviously I'm well past that point now. I,ve had along time to come to come to grips with my situation and of course im sad and scared but I have had a very interesting life and I have alot of great stories and friends. very few regrets. I really wish I didnt loose the last of it to my mental state though, I'm determined to try to have some more good days.


Oh and to give you an idea of the medical fields opinion of my situation. and the problems I,m facing trying to get treatment. The first medical forum I posted what I did here filtered my post and refused to post it. they have not given me any explanation why. This is a major site for patients. It probably would be inappropriate to give there name.
 
J

johnsmith2222

Member
Joined
Mar 24, 2019
Messages
15
Location
grand rapids michigan
#5
Thanx man I hope you regement continues to give you relief. Its been hard finding a correct dosage sometimes. I have a vaporisore I use some times because I dont need to smoke as much (even though I only take a few small hits anyway) and its easier on my lungs. but if I,m not carefull overdoing it a little can drasticly worsn my symptoms for awhile. I wish I could use ediabls but as luck would have it they completely disagree with me for some reason and just increase my anxiety.
 
J

johnsmith2222

Member
Joined
Mar 24, 2019
Messages
15
Location
grand rapids michigan
#6
Hello, I realize this is strange, but I was at healthboards.com bluelight.org and Patient.info talking to some people a few days ago and I wanted to let them know some things, but I can't seem to overcome my anxiety enough to go post this. I know thats ridiculous. But I've been trying for days. I know it would be kind off a pain. but if someone felt like putting this up over there for me it be very kind. If not atleast someone may read it here and thats good too. I cant stop thinking about it.
Thanx

Yesterday was the first interaction Ive really had with people in a long time. and I felt pretty good at first. Its awesome to have people listen.

Everything I said just keeps running through my head over and over. I cant make it stop. I realized trying to talk to someone had been a big mistake. I have learned to avoid anything that could agrevate my symptoms. I should have known better. I keep trying to tell myself just don't go back online your fine.





All right its been 5 days I think, I'm going to try to write This. Its difficult to even think about it but. I did a very stupid thing. It felt so good to finally talk to people. I don't know what I was thinking. There were so many people talking about things that theye were worried about. It felt like I could offer some reasurance. I can't believe I could be so stupid. I actually started giving people my opinion about there situation. These people had came to mentalhealthforum.net with real serious problems looking for help. and I'm giving them my opinion. When I realized what I was doing I had the worst panic attack of 20 years. I was devestated. I've done everything I can to try not to think about it. But I realized If I was going to ever post this I had to explain why I can't bring myself to come back to the boards. I feel very bad about what I did and really don't know what the hell I was thinking.





I never said anything about understanding the damage things like some anxiety medications can cause or how they dont cure the underlining problems causing them. I didn't say I understand the risks of long term use and why simply perscribing someone medication long term is not usally a viable option. Or the difficulties Doctors face prescribing them. Or that one of the only tools doctors have at there disposal is risk assessment and that a history of substance abuse puts you at much higher risk.

I just complained about what I believe is happining to me. I didnt say anything about other options like couniling and things of that nature. Ive taken advantage of every option I can could find as things worsened. My condition is all most certaily caused by chemical imbalance. Theres still alot of help you can get from a good councellor dont get me wrong. But atleast for me things just continued escalating. I've used the self helps and things of that nature and gotten some relief here and there. But as This worsens there effectiveness diminitios.

I should have explained that I spent many years battling with this getting worse and worse and never tried to seek medical help I was determand never take sych meds because of what my mother went through.
To someone who didnt know my story I realized I probably just sounded like I was unhappy and pissed the doctors wouldnt give me pills to fix it. That really bummed me out when I realized it. I Ive been dealing with this for twenty years. Anxiety sucks. anyone who has had it in there lives will tell you how bad it is. But try to understand that as it gets more and more difficult to breath. and I get closer to the fate In store for me. This disease has completely consumed me.

I realize medication can only do so much and I have never wanted to take them. And I have taken advantage of every available option I could find. But my anxiety has escalated to the point that its allmost a never ending panic attack. I wouldn't wish this existance on my worst enemy. The instant I realize I'm awake a wave of panic sweeps over me, I will yelp NO or something and curl up in a ball.

I made a comment about not thinking Id get addicted because I havnt before. I relized I said that very poorly. And must look very foolish to people who know about these things. I have seen my friends and family struggle with addiction many times and i know how devestating it can be. I dont think Im stronger willed than other people or anything by any meens. Nothing could be further from the truth. It's just I've been very lucky that when drug use became excessive In my life and was becoming a problem I stopped and I didn't really feel any typ of strong desire to do more. For some reason I have never felt that awfull uncontrollable urge for a drug that has destroyed so many lives around me. I certainly don't think I'm better or stronger than anyone else. And I would never be foolish enough to believe it couldnt happen. I just don't really feel I'm at higher risk than other people. Maybe I'm wrong. The fact is theres nothing about being high that I find appealing in anyway anymore, so Its difficult for me to invision myself somehow abusing medication. Obviously the fact that at one point in my life I used drugs has to be a concern. But simply dening a person any medication that could potentialy be abused, no matter what there history or situation based soley on the fact that theve used drugs at some point in there lives cant allways be whats best for them could it? Arn't there any other factors that need to be considered at all when determining whats going to be best for there wellbeing?

I said something about using alcahol to feel better, As far as alcahol goes, I've never really been a drinker. years ago I would sometimes. Then when the anxiety started getting unberable I would try thinking it would feel good maybe. But it didn't really help much. It can all most be worse to be drunk and still feel anxiety then when your sober. I never really desired it but after a few nights half drunk filled with anxiety I decided not to do it anymore.


I dont think refusing me treatment is in my best intrests at this late stage of my disease. and I think if I was a successfull 45 year old mother of 2 dying of emphezema who had done cocain when she was younger doctors would not hesitate to treat my condition. It hurts bad to suffer so severly but be refused help when other people can get it, because of decisions I made twenty years ago. especially when i feel it has very little to do with risks. I don't know how affective medication could be. But I desperatly want to believe theres some kind of option left available to me. The thought that there isn't is impossible to consider.

I'ts been 4 or 5 days now I think. I cant ever keep track. I never sleep, It all just blures together. I keep thinking things I want to say over and over. I don't think I can go back to the boards I just can't make myself. but I'm thinking of putting this somewhere and maybe someone there would be willing to post it for me. I'm trying to evaluate my motivations for this. I know its not going to help me in anyway. I'm going to agonize over it and regrete it if I do. I don't think I'll be able to go online again. I don't see how this could posibly help anyone or anything. probably I think I just wan't someone to understand what I percieve to be a injustice. or maybe tell my story. or maybe i just want someone to feel bad for me. I don't know.

I finally got some sleep last night. I had awfull nightmares. I've never really had that problem before. I realize now how gratefull I should have been. I'm begining to relize I'm probably never posting this. all Ive done nonstop since going online is sit here writing and deleteing things over and over.

I can't believe its been 2 years since that day in texas. I was so convinced I couldn't take it one more day. If you told me it was going to be 2 more years like this and it was actually going to get worse I would't have believed you. And if I did I certainly would't have done it. no one would.

I keep realizing I'm crying and I didn't even know it. with my lungs and panic I gasp for breath. I keep yelling outloud and flinching violently from random paifull thoughts. I just sit here with my mind racing, rocking back and forth trying desperatly to stop invisioning my future. I keep seeing my poor mother in that bed desperatly trying to communicate something to me. The fear and the pain in her eyes. theres not a single food that tastes good. theres no tv show I want to watch. no music. no activity i could enjoy. I can't remmeber the last time I laughed.

Anxiety can't kill you. But at I'ts worst it can take away absolutly every single thing that brings you the least bit of happiness. And fill your life with fear and pain.

I'm sorry to be so deppressing. I wanted anyone who may be intrested to know what happened to me after I left the board and to try to explain things allitle better. I don't really understand what I'm doing lately. Its strange I feel confused like my thoughts are in another language. I wish I could talk to people. But i learned my lesson. I don't know what I'm going to do if I ever post this. I literally can not think of one thing to keep me occupied. That thought scares me.



To anyone who takes the time to read all this. Thank you. I despreatly wanted to get this out for some reason. Keep a good thought.
 

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