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Desperation after 15 years

I

indelible

Active member
Joined
Jan 5, 2009
Messages
30
Location
Llandrindod Wells, Wales, UK
My name is Matthew and after almost 20 years of life, I'm no longer capable of ignoring a problem that has persistently tested me and those around me for as long as I can remember.

In the title, I use the figure 15 years and this is because I can't really remember anything before being 5. In truth, I don't know when it started but all I know is that out of every thought I have it is the most persistent, the strongest and the first thing I think about when I am asked to describe myself (although I never say it). This thought is a mixture of anger, hatred, depression, violence, confusion, hopelessness, self hatred, paranoia, anxiety, resentment and a host of other emotions that are inwardly and outwardly destructive. It is the reason why sometime I wake up at 4am in the morning feeling like the world has ended whilst other times, I sleep past the alarm. It is the reason I am not tired when I go to sleep some days, but I am fatigued by 8pm on others. I guess I could sum this all up with the deduction that I get very little joy from life, and whilst I'm not willing to go the ultimate length to prove this, things have seemed pretty pointless for me since the day I could say my name. The problem comes when you consider that I don't want to feel like this any more. If I could sit here and accept that this is who I am, then things wouldn't be so bad right now. As it happens, I'm an ambitious kid who wants to die having done something productive with his life. I can't say that on my current path, with my current mindset, I will accomplish this. I want to go to University to do a marketing and/or PR degree despite the fact that my hatred for all things destroyed my education pretty effectively. I want to work in the games industry, despite the fact that I have no educational background and I am too anxious and fearful about life outside of the bland little town I live in. Another problem arises when you consider that, after 15 years of medical professionals trying to help me, I still have no idea what is wrong with me. I still have no idea where I'm going to go with this or how I'm going to tackle it and whilst these medical professionals are sitting there, listening to me telling them about all of my issues without so much as a word of progress from them, I'm very slowly dissolving away within myself. What little substance there is to me is vanishing and I fear for my future, my sanity and my life. I'm sorry if that all sounds overly poetic and dramatic, but that is the only way I can describe any of this.

Recently, I've flirted with the idea that I may be Bipolar, due to the fact that my father suffers from it and it is suspected that his father and my mums father had it as well. If I'm honest, I can't honestly say that I believe it. There is a voice in my mind that argues strongly for cynicism and doubt no matter where I rest my judgement. In this case, it is suggesting that I am simply trying to latch on to a quick solution and I am all for accepting this, as I have never had a true manic episode. On the other hand, I am only 19 and most people don't suffer from their first manic episode until they are in their early to mid 20s. If I'm honest again, I am perpetually confused and anything that represents an answer is worth exploring and worth of my desperation.

I'm at wits end. Their is very little else in me that I can put to defending myself from whatever it is that is going on inside my confused head. Up until now, I've walled it off and managed for the most part to come across as normal to others, but things have become worse and I fear they will get far more worse. For example, today I got a bill. I have enough money to pay it and it's not that big of a deal. On top of that, nPower cocked up my gas changeover with them, so I'm having to wait a further month to sort that out. I could react with stress, or mild annoyance, or a little bit of worry but instead, I've gone from being the above at 9am this morning to being on the brink of tears, wanting to go and sit in my flat away from the rest of the world, paranoid, anxious, fearful by 11.30 and I know what is going to happen now. By this evening, I'll hit the bottom and for the next week or so, I'll stay there. It doesn't matter what happens. Something great could happen, but I'll stay there.

The fact of the matter is I'm here because I'm confused and frustrated at not knowing what is wrong with me or how to deal with it. Please don't say, "the first step is seeking help," because I've heard that so much over the last 15 years, it makes me want to scream.

I hope being here finds me some answers that can help me get over this confusions and in turn, my problems.

Lastly, I'd like to finish with a quote that I feel reflects me in some ways...

"The old grey donkey, Eeyore stood by himself in a thistly corner of the Forest, his front feet well apart, his head on one side, and thought about things. Sometimes he thought sadly to himself, "Why?" and sometimes he thought, "Wherefore?" and sometimes he thought, "Inasmuch as which?" and sometimes he didn't quite know what he was thinking about."

:unsure:
 
S

saffron

Guest
Firstly welcome to the forum we are glad to have you here and wil try to help and listen the best we can although we cannot give a diagnosis.
you must feel like you are going round in circles eh?

Bipolar does run in families and often displays feelings what you have described, but you must be honest about the way you feel to your GP for him to diagnose, or he may just think you are a stroppy teenager.

I have found this link that may interest you:
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfo/problems/bipolarmanicdepression/bipolardisorder.aspx

there are a lot of people on here who suffer from this particular disorder and you may find it helpful.

welcome again.

S
 
I

indelible

Active member
Joined
Jan 5, 2009
Messages
30
Location
Llandrindod Wells, Wales, UK
I'm not looking for a diagnosis from here. I'm still getting professional help from various medical places. I'm on the waiting lists for various assessments and tests, but the waiting list is anything from 1 to 6 months.

I'm really only looking for a group of people that an empathise here, as there is no one here who I feel can understand.
 
S

saffron

Guest
well thats great then browse through the forum and see what you can find.
best wishes
S
 
I

indelible

Active member
Joined
Jan 5, 2009
Messages
30
Location
Llandrindod Wells, Wales, UK
Sorry - what I meant to say was that I am looking for people who can empathise here as there is no one around me at home who quite understand.

:oops:
 
S

saffron

Guest
no need to apologise its fine, There are lots of people on here that are ready to listen and chat about all sorts of things and if you go to the support or self help threads there are ones specifically for bi polar and anxiety , depression ect. Dont worry there will be someone on here that is going through the same things, you are not alone. we are always ready to listen.
take care
S
 
D

Dollit

Guest
I think the first step is a hug and a warm welcome. It doesn't matter to us that you don't have a diagnosis or the fact that you're confused and angry. We all feel like that at times, some of us more often than others. But you're here now and that's all that counts.

Down in the journals section lots of us have blogs. Some just pour out stuff, mine is more of a day to day reminder of what I'm doing or sometimes a few of the guys drop in for a giggle. It's a good thing to have, a comfort place.

And your ambitions are still realisable - the one thing you have very much in your favour is that you are still young and you do so want things to change very much.

Glad you're here.
 
emski

emski

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 15, 2008
Messages
1,151
Location
North West
Welcome to the forum Matthew. This is a good place to vent and people listen and can offer you advice and friendly support. You certainly will find empathy and it is very therapeutic to get your thoughts and feelings down here when you have no-one really to turn to. As they say, a problem shared is a problem halved

:grouphug:
 
honeyquince

honeyquince

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
May 27, 2008
Messages
1,719
Location
Yorkshire
Welcome to the forum. As has been said it's a very friendly supportive place and I hope you get to feel at home soon! I too would like to mention the journals as a good way to both get hings off your chest and also a good way to get to know people. Give it a go there's nothing to loose here.
 
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