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Desperate

L

Lady Lazarus

Member
Joined
Feb 8, 2009
Messages
15
Feeling increasingly desperate. I can no longer see a way out of this thing that has me so tightly bound that I can barely breathe. My therapist was at a conference so I missed my session this week, hadn't realized how dependent I had become on them. I took myself off the anti-depressants a couple of weeks ago because 1. I really need to concentrate for my job (I'm a biomedical scientist) and they were very sedative, 2. They were making me eat, which I simply cannot deal with at the minute 3. I simply cannot trust myself with any sort of medication in the house. I'd already started abusing them to see if I could get a better effect. God I despair of myself. Now thinking that maybe I should have stuck with them. Having a really bad weekend, my husband is away on a stag weekend so I'm on my own. Got so p****d last night that I decided to top myself (I tried to kill myself in November, obviously unsuccessfully!) But instead I rang a friend who came to see me. I was fairly hysterical and it's the first time he has seen me like that, bit embarrassed now. I really was in a pretty dreadful state last night. I am so tired of feeling like this. If I could just sleep without dreaming I am sure I would feel better. Last night I consumed an entire packet (16) of painkillers along with two and a half bottles of wine. Just to sleep without dreaming. That's just another form of self harm isn't it?! That is what Dr.G (my therapist) would call counter productive.(No, really?!) Even though I know drinking doesn't do me any favours, in fact it makes things even bleaker, I still do it. All day long yesterday I was anxious and nervous, a bit paranoid, couldn't answer the phone or leave the house, that sort of thing, probably because I aren't eating, in the evening i just wanted to get outside of my own head. I feel like I am bouncing off the inside of my skull. I feel like such a mess. Don't want to do this anymore. I just want to give up.

Sorry, that was a big rant. Just need to talk. Don't feel safe on my own anymore because I never know what I am going to do. How sad. i am way too old for this s**t.
 
bluenomore

bluenomore

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 30, 2009
Messages
5,532
Hey Lady Lazarus,

Don't feel so down. There's a lot of us feeling like you do. But I reckon that
we can help each other get through this shitty feeling. I rely on you just as you rely on me. Talk to us about what you are going through and we will try to talk about our experiences and how we have coped with them.

Thinking good thoughts,
 
S

saffron

Guest
thinking of you.
have you told your doctor you have stopped the meds?
I told my doctor when I recognised even a minor negative change in my behaviour or thoughts, on lots of meds made me tens times worse and I actually wanted to just end it all, I took the lot, obviously not enough or I would not be here, anyway, even a 'mate' turned up and thought I was just drunk, I think he must have woken me out of it, or I probably would have stayed asleep, anyway, when I told the doctor that the meds were making me worse he said they are obviously too strong and changed me to another which were much better for me, any way let the doctor know, just cos one type of meds does not have the desired effect to help you move on does not mean that another will not.
take care and think of positive things in your life and about yourself.
S:grouphug:
 
M

maudikie

Guest
Lady Lazarus.

In my opinion it sounds as though you may need re-assessmennt of medication. Certainly don't drink alcohol with it. Thereare lots of other drinks to choose from that will do n o harm. Ask you doctor if taking your medication at a different time would help your sleep problem. Or if this is no good, try reading or sewing or some such, That should take any difficult thoughts away, and it won't matter if you "drop off" in the chair.
 
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