L
Lady Lazarus
Member
- Joined
- Feb 8, 2009
- Messages
- 15
Feeling increasingly desperate. I can no longer see a way out of this thing that has me so tightly bound that I can barely breathe. My therapist was at a conference so I missed my session this week, hadn't realized how dependent I had become on them. I took myself off the anti-depressants a couple of weeks ago because 1. I really need to concentrate for my job (I'm a biomedical scientist) and they were very sedative, 2. They were making me eat, which I simply cannot deal with at the minute 3. I simply cannot trust myself with any sort of medication in the house. I'd already started abusing them to see if I could get a better effect. God I despair of myself. Now thinking that maybe I should have stuck with them. Having a really bad weekend, my husband is away on a stag weekend so I'm on my own. Got so p****d last night that I decided to top myself (I tried to kill myself in November, obviously unsuccessfully!) But instead I rang a friend who came to see me. I was fairly hysterical and it's the first time he has seen me like that, bit embarrassed now. I really was in a pretty dreadful state last night. I am so tired of feeling like this. If I could just sleep without dreaming I am sure I would feel better. Last night I consumed an entire packet (16) of painkillers along with two and a half bottles of wine. Just to sleep without dreaming. That's just another form of self harm isn't it?! That is what Dr.G (my therapist) would call counter productive.(No, really?!) Even though I know drinking doesn't do me any favours, in fact it makes things even bleaker, I still do it. All day long yesterday I was anxious and nervous, a bit paranoid, couldn't answer the phone or leave the house, that sort of thing, probably because I aren't eating, in the evening i just wanted to get outside of my own head. I feel like I am bouncing off the inside of my skull. I feel like such a mess. Don't want to do this anymore. I just want to give up.
Sorry, that was a big rant. Just need to talk. Don't feel safe on my own anymore because I never know what I am going to do. How sad. i am way too old for this s**t.
Sorry, that was a big rant. Just need to talk. Don't feel safe on my own anymore because I never know what I am going to do. How sad. i am way too old for this s**t.