Desperate

[Lady Lazarus]

Feeling increasingly desperate. I can no longer see a way out of this thing that has me so tightly bound that I can barely breathe. My therapist was at a conference so I missed my session this week, hadn't realized how dependent I had become on them. I took myself off the anti-depressants a couple of weeks ago because 1. I really need to concentrate for my job (I'm a biomedical scientist) and they were very sedative, 2. They were making me eat, which I simply cannot deal with at the minute 3. I simply cannot trust myself with any sort of medication in the house. I'd already started abusing them to see if I could get a better effect. God I despair of myself. Now thinking that maybe I should have stuck with them. Having a really bad weekend, my husband is away on a stag weekend so I'm on my own. Got so p****d last night that I decided to top myself (I tried to kill myself in November, obviously unsuccessfully!) But instead I rang a friend who came to see me. I was fairly hysterical and it's the first time he has seen me like that, bit embarrassed now. I really was in a pretty dreadful state last night. I am so tired of feeling like this. If I could just sleep without dreaming I am sure I would feel better. Last night I consumed an entire packet (16) of painkillers along with two and a half bottles of wine. Just to sleep without dreaming. That's just another form of self harm isn't it?! That is what Dr.G (my therapist) would call counter productive.(No, really?!) Even though I know drinking doesn't do me any favours, in fact it makes things even bleaker, I still do it. All day long yesterday I was anxious and nervous, a bit paranoid, couldn't answer the phone or leave the house, that sort of thing, probably because I aren't eating, in the evening i just wanted to get outside of my own head. I feel like I am bouncing off the inside of my skull. I feel like such a mess. Don't want to do this anymore. I just want to give up.

Sorry, that was a big rant. Just need to talk. Don't feel safe on my own anymore because I never know what I am going to do. How sad. i am way too old for this s**t.

 

[bluenomore]

It's got to be good to get this stuff off your head hasn't this?
I hope you can feel better having had a bit of a rant. i know I do. I hope you feel a bit better now. It sure is nice to be able to express oneself. Take it easy babe, There's gona be a good solution to it all.

yake care babe'

 

[Lady Lazarus]

Thanks, i do feel marginally better actually. But I look at the future and there is just a big black nothing, no light, no joy. Will this ever end?

 

[bluenomore]

No matter how bad thing's are feeling for us right now, there is a way forward. We might not see it right now but please don't give up hope. Sometimes it might take us a while to see the light but there has to be hope...

 

[Lady Lazarus]

You are right of course. Its just really hard right now. Feel really lost.

 

[bluenomore]

that's so ok babe. We feel lost as well. hang on in there

 

[Lady Lazarus]

Really appreciate your comments. I am trying to focus on getting well. I am just so tired and so sick of fighting. Just want it to be over. I just want everything to stop.

to everyone on the site.

 

[keepsafe]

Its really hard but keep posting on here when you feel things are too much and hopefully with the E.M.D.R things will start to get better.
KS
xx

 

[Lady Lazarus]

Thanks KS, your thoughts mean a lot to me. I am really trying to be more positive, but there just seems to be a great aching hole where I used to be. I don't know who I am anymore, or what I am doing, it just seems to be a chaotic mess.

I am a survivor. (Keep saying it to myself, the problem is, I don't want to be a survivor)

 

[quality factor]

Hi there,

Your final sentence about being a survivor and not wanting to be one, rings very true with me....those are my very thoughts constantly. I have been fighting mental illness for many years, sometimes it will get easier and other times its a struggle.

One thing that you need to think about is not abusing your medication.
Unless you have been advised to self medicate and it doesn't sound as if you have, you should be really careful about taking yourself off meds unsupervised. I think your comments will concur with that now . Meds and alcohol do not mix and getting yourself blind drunk will not ease your situation it will only make you feel more depressed...I know this from experience.

I feel you need to go back and see your GP and discuss the way you are feeling, to my mind that's the most sensible route to take. Life with mental illness is a struggle , but try and think more positively and pull in the right direction instead of pulling against it.

Hope you feel better soon. Good luck!