E
elementary
New member
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2009
- Messages
- 2
Hi,
I'm new here. I've come here because I can't find reference anywhere on the web to people who have emotional attatchments like mine.
I've been wondering for a while whether I might have an emotional disorder. But I can't find one listed that describes what I feel.
I'm not looking for a diagnosis exactly, but I'm desperate to find somebody who's like me.
It's a bit long, but please stick with me.
I'm a 23 year old girl. Since I was about 11, I've had obsessions with people. Not sexual obsessions. Just thinking about them all the time, thinking they're amazing, wanting their approval, and attention, and sympathy(I'll return to that later!)
I want to be a part of their life. I feel like I want to be important to them, for them to care about me, and for a while being noticed and liked by them becomes the meaning of my existence.
I always choose people who are in a position of care over me. In school it was my teachers, in college- my lecturers, in work- my superiors. They are usually women, but in one case it's been a man.
It's nothing to do with how they look or how successful they are. I admire them, but I don't always know why. All I know is I wish somebody thought I was as great as I think they are, and that all I want to be important to them.
I have never had a romantic relationship. I am heterosexual (although I must admit having these obsessions with older women and lack of male partners has made me unsure sometimes- but as I say, it's never a sexual attraction I feel for them.) I am afraid I may be too caught up with myself (and my current obsession) to have emotional energy left for relationships. My obsession is the most important thing to me when it's at its strongest. Why would I look for anyone else?
Also, I've figured out that I'm afraid I'm only turned on by a person depending on how I think they see me. I've never fancied anyone who hasn't spoken to me, or seen me. or shown any interest in me. I've never experienced 'lust'. It's all to do with the image of myself with that person, and my idea of how they feel about me. Obviously not a foundation for a relationship. I know that, so I've never tried.
Going back to the 'I want their sympathy' point, I guess I'm a bit massochistic. Things have occasionally gone so far as me doing minor self harm so as to get sympathy from them. I also tell minor lies, making out I
don't have a supportive family, when I do.
I've gone to extremes in other ways, such as hanging around in places where I hope they'll be at weekends, or visiting supermarkets after school/work where I know they shop, so I can bump into them. If I know where they live, I'll drive past whenever I can. Sometimes I 'don't eat lunch' so they'll show concern and tell me have something. I'll also try to drop details of my life into conversations, so that they'll 'know me'.
I have no idea why I do this. I have had a stable upbringing with two parents and siblings who are are perfectly normal and loving. I suffered no abuse of any kind. I suppose there was minor bullying in school, but I always had a strong core of close, genuine friends. My father died when I was 20, but this problem started way before then.
I have been successful. I'm an all-A student, with many hobbies, and good friends.
I suppose my other eccentricity is that I'm a perfectionist with an intense fear of failure (which leads to procrastinstion- a source of much inner conflict!) I know I have low self esteem, which is why, although I'm a perfectionist in my work, my home is a terrible mess. But I think that might be a seperate issue.
The obsessions do have intense periods, and times when they cool off, but they're always there. I am quite self-aware, and very ashamed about this, and I tend to try and shut it away. I think I have managed to keep this entirely secret, and live quite a normal life to outside eyes.
I hoped this would go away with age, but it hasn't.
It is affecting my social life, my work, and emotional health, and I want it to go away. I want to just let go of other people and be myself. But I can't.
And I really wish I knew there was somebody out there suffereng the same thing as me.
If there is, please please answer and let me know! And if you have any idea what's wrong with me or what I should do to help myself, please post a reply.
Thank you xx
I'm new here. I've come here because I can't find reference anywhere on the web to people who have emotional attatchments like mine.
I've been wondering for a while whether I might have an emotional disorder. But I can't find one listed that describes what I feel.
I'm not looking for a diagnosis exactly, but I'm desperate to find somebody who's like me.
It's a bit long, but please stick with me.
I'm a 23 year old girl. Since I was about 11, I've had obsessions with people. Not sexual obsessions. Just thinking about them all the time, thinking they're amazing, wanting their approval, and attention, and sympathy(I'll return to that later!)
I want to be a part of their life. I feel like I want to be important to them, for them to care about me, and for a while being noticed and liked by them becomes the meaning of my existence.
I always choose people who are in a position of care over me. In school it was my teachers, in college- my lecturers, in work- my superiors. They are usually women, but in one case it's been a man.
It's nothing to do with how they look or how successful they are. I admire them, but I don't always know why. All I know is I wish somebody thought I was as great as I think they are, and that all I want to be important to them.
I have never had a romantic relationship. I am heterosexual (although I must admit having these obsessions with older women and lack of male partners has made me unsure sometimes- but as I say, it's never a sexual attraction I feel for them.) I am afraid I may be too caught up with myself (and my current obsession) to have emotional energy left for relationships. My obsession is the most important thing to me when it's at its strongest. Why would I look for anyone else?
Also, I've figured out that I'm afraid I'm only turned on by a person depending on how I think they see me. I've never fancied anyone who hasn't spoken to me, or seen me. or shown any interest in me. I've never experienced 'lust'. It's all to do with the image of myself with that person, and my idea of how they feel about me. Obviously not a foundation for a relationship. I know that, so I've never tried.
Going back to the 'I want their sympathy' point, I guess I'm a bit massochistic. Things have occasionally gone so far as me doing minor self harm so as to get sympathy from them. I also tell minor lies, making out I
don't have a supportive family, when I do.
I've gone to extremes in other ways, such as hanging around in places where I hope they'll be at weekends, or visiting supermarkets after school/work where I know they shop, so I can bump into them. If I know where they live, I'll drive past whenever I can. Sometimes I 'don't eat lunch' so they'll show concern and tell me have something. I'll also try to drop details of my life into conversations, so that they'll 'know me'.
I have no idea why I do this. I have had a stable upbringing with two parents and siblings who are are perfectly normal and loving. I suffered no abuse of any kind. I suppose there was minor bullying in school, but I always had a strong core of close, genuine friends. My father died when I was 20, but this problem started way before then.
I have been successful. I'm an all-A student, with many hobbies, and good friends.
I suppose my other eccentricity is that I'm a perfectionist with an intense fear of failure (which leads to procrastinstion- a source of much inner conflict!) I know I have low self esteem, which is why, although I'm a perfectionist in my work, my home is a terrible mess. But I think that might be a seperate issue.
The obsessions do have intense periods, and times when they cool off, but they're always there. I am quite self-aware, and very ashamed about this, and I tend to try and shut it away. I think I have managed to keep this entirely secret, and live quite a normal life to outside eyes.
I hoped this would go away with age, but it hasn't.
It is affecting my social life, my work, and emotional health, and I want it to go away. I want to just let go of other people and be myself. But I can't.
And I really wish I knew there was somebody out there suffereng the same thing as me.
If there is, please please answer and let me know! And if you have any idea what's wrong with me or what I should do to help myself, please post a reply.
Thank you xx