Desperate to find somebody like me.

[elementary]

Hi,
I'm new here. I've come here because I can't find reference anywhere on the web to people who have emotional attatchments like mine.
I've been wondering for a while whether I might have an emotional disorder. But I can't find one listed that describes what I feel.
I'm not looking for a diagnosis exactly, but I'm desperate to find somebody who's like me.

It's a bit long, but please stick with me.

I'm a 23 year old girl. Since I was about 11, I've had obsessions with people. Not sexual obsessions. Just thinking about them all the time, thinking they're amazing, wanting their approval, and attention, and sympathy(I'll return to that later!)

I want to be a part of their life. I feel like I want to be important to them, for them to care about me, and for a while being noticed and liked by them becomes the meaning of my existence.

I always choose people who are in a position of care over me. In school it was my teachers, in college- my lecturers, in work- my superiors. They are usually women, but in one case it's been a man.
It's nothing to do with how they look or how successful they are. I admire them, but I don't always know why. All I know is I wish somebody thought I was as great as I think they are, and that all I want to be important to them.

I have never had a romantic relationship. I am heterosexual (although I must admit having these obsessions with older women and lack of male partners has made me unsure sometimes- but as I say, it's never a sexual attraction I feel for them.) I am afraid I may be too caught up with myself (and my current obsession) to have emotional energy left for relationships. My obsession is the most important thing to me when it's at its strongest. Why would I look for anyone else?
Also, I've figured out that I'm afraid I'm only turned on by a person depending on how I think they see me. I've never fancied anyone who hasn't spoken to me, or seen me. or shown any interest in me. I've never experienced 'lust'. It's all to do with the image of myself with that person, and my idea of how they feel about me. Obviously not a foundation for a relationship. I know that, so I've never tried.

Going back to the 'I want their sympathy' point, I guess I'm a bit massochistic. Things have occasionally gone so far as me doing minor self harm so as to get sympathy from them. I also tell minor lies, making out I
don't have a supportive family, when I do.
I've gone to extremes in other ways, such as hanging around in places where I hope they'll be at weekends, or visiting supermarkets after school/work where I know they shop, so I can bump into them. If I know where they live, I'll drive past whenever I can. Sometimes I 'don't eat lunch' so they'll show concern and tell me have something. I'll also try to drop details of my life into conversations, so that they'll 'know me'.

I have no idea why I do this. I have had a stable upbringing with two parents and siblings who are are perfectly normal and loving. I suffered no abuse of any kind. I suppose there was minor bullying in school, but I always had a strong core of close, genuine friends. My father died when I was 20, but this problem started way before then.

I have been successful. I'm an all-A student, with many hobbies, and good friends.
I suppose my other eccentricity is that I'm a perfectionist with an intense fear of failure (which leads to procrastinstion- a source of much inner conflict!) I know I have low self esteem, which is why, although I'm a perfectionist in my work, my home is a terrible mess. But I think that might be a seperate issue.

The obsessions do have intense periods, and times when they cool off, but they're always there. I am quite self-aware, and very ashamed about this, and I tend to try and shut it away. I think I have managed to keep this entirely secret, and live quite a normal life to outside eyes.

I hoped this would go away with age, but it hasn't.
It is affecting my social life, my work, and emotional health, and I want it to go away. I want to just let go of other people and be myself. But I can't.

And I really wish I knew there was somebody out there suffereng the same thing as me.
If there is, please please answer and let me know! And if you have any idea what's wrong with me or what I should do to help myself, please post a reply.

Thank you xx

 

[riverofdragons]

reading through your post I see a lot of things that I have felt but never dared to vocalise. just admiting here i have felt and acted just as you describe, is making me feel weird,wrong somehow. I dont suggest your feelings are wrong, just that I can relate but its a part of myself that I detest.

 

[elementary]

Thank you for replying, riverofdragons Nice to know I'm not entirely alone, although I'm sorry you go through it too. I hate that part of myself too.
I realised recently that most of my problems in life are because I don't like myself much. And this is the reason I don't like myself. So I decided to acknowledge it, and try to get some help and insight, but I'm too scared to go to see a 'real' person in case they think I'm a psycho stalker or something- which I'm not. I really mean no harm at all.

I wonder, do you know about mental health much? Does it sound to you like I could have an element(s) of any known condition... or am I just strange?
If anybody else has any ideas too I'm desperate to hear them, because I want to sort myself out.
xxx

 

[Ainsworth]

hi elementary

have you ever been seen by anyone about this?

if you feel this is creating a problem for you in everyday life then i would say to make an appointment with your doctor, who will refer you if needed.

what you have written should be taken, as very descriptive and will help alot.

goodluck

 

[riverofdragons]

Well I have suffered from depression since I was 13 (27 now) and been on meds on and off since I was 18. Though the behaviours you mentioned went on way before that for me.

My last psychiatrist mentioned a strong possibility of a personality disorder and the current one has just prescribed anti-psychotics for paranoia etc.

I also have a few friends who have mental health problems - schizoaffective disorder, aspergers, cyclothimic disorder, schizophrenia, anxiety disorders etc. So I like to think I know a bit about symptoms and the impact these problems have on our lives. If only I had the answers too!..lol

I think to some extent I am growing out of the idolising behaviour, although it could be the new medication helping that side of things.

However as 'unremarkable' says, if its causing you distress or problems then its time to talk to your gp. You should be taken seriously with these symptoms, so don't worry about wasting people time or anything.

Please feel free to add me to msn or email me ([email protected]), I am always happy to make new friends.

 

[schizzzoid]

I don't know any easy way to say this, and, I really do apologise if I come across as a bit blunt, but, I noticed at the start of your post that you describe yourself a '23 year old girl', well, you're not, you're a woman!

I'm no psychiatrist or mental health professional, but, this stood out to me like a sore thumb, and, taking into account the rest of your post, but this maybe the root of your issues, in that you still see yourself, in some way, as a child.

You also mention self-harm and other obsessive behaviour (I doubt they are seperate issues, as you say, it's very likely that they're all part of the same thing, and the 'thing' is you!), and that you are unhappy with how things are for you, I can only urge you to seek professional help, as soon as possible, as you are young and have your whole life ahead of you, it would be a shame to let it go to waste in a sea of mental health problems.