Derealisation getting worse?

L

llamacobain

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Joined
Oct 23, 2018
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9
Location
England
Hello
Ive dealt with derealisation for the past 3-4 years and I believe its gotten worse.
I originally went to get help for it and I came back with a completely different diagnosis (they told me the reason for my train of thought and delusions was due to an incurable neurological condition, they never actually treated my problem, just informed me of the possible cause).
At first, my derealisation was mainly delusion-based. Then it developed into a severe anxiety symptom (my detachment would induce panic attacks and anxiety). But now I fear my detachment is constant.
My derealisation (ill call it DR) was never ever treated. I was never taught, in my years of "mental health support" how to not detach myself as a coping mechanism. In fact, they offered me anti depressants, as a way to detach myself in a more controlled way, yet I was already constantly detached. Over the past year, in certain situations, I blocked out all feelings. I would trick myself into forgetting all anxiety and worry and just doing things rather than letting my train of thought warn me of my boundaries. I would feel nothing in bad times to the point where now I feel nothing all the time. To be devoid of emotion yet still have access to thoughts when mentally ill is dangerous. I feel nothing everyday, it feels so empty. I have moments of laughter, but never really happiness. This paired with my extreme loneliness and isolation (which I have been trying for a very long time to change) has shuffled me into the area of suicidal thoughts.
Ive dealt with suicidal thoughts in the past, yet I felt emotion. These emotions and my emotional awareness helped me overcome the thoughts to an extent of not actually going through with it.
Now I have nothing holding me back and the idea of taking my own life feels like a great solution when living is just this big empty void. Ive tried to get help. I believe in helping yourself works.
Id like some advice from anybody who has felt emotionally detached (like a constant detachment) and has either received advice or taught themselves to get back in touch with how they feel. I currently have zero ways to help what im going through. Forcing myself to do things that are supposedly emotionally impacting do nothing except remind me further of my state because again, nothing works. Even as a very anxious person, or a very socially shy person, those things almost aren't part of me anymore. I haven't overcome my anxieties, Ive just blocked them out that much that they don't occur in my head anymore. Even this I know isn't healthy. Music helps me feel things to some degree. But I can't spend my life creating false emotions in my head instead of experiencing them in this life.
Ive never been mentally okay due to my neurological disorder, but this is the worst ive ever been and I can see it happening but I cannot feel it. Id rather be crying endlessly everyday than feeling nothing at all constantly. Its almost as if all my emotions are there and everything im supposed to feel is there yet this big foggy heavy cloud of numbness is on top of them and has filled my brain. To think and not feel is something I don't want anymore.
Its the most distressing thing ive dealt with, and id take my days of daily panic attacks over this if I could.
Thanks for reading.
 
I

iWILLOBTAINMENTALHEALTH2

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Jan 6, 2019
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823
I have some form of this. Like I feel like I'm not human or something terrifying like that. Or that there is a show based off me like the Truman Show. Or reality really isn't real. It's horrifying. I still get this. I'm sorry to say but it never goes away. Least not for me. All I can do is offer my support. Please don't hurt yourself. Instead seek immediate help. Like a crisis center or the e.r. 🤗🤗🤗
 
P

Pollypop

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Jul 23, 2015
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I also have these feelings, or should I say non-feelings.
I feel numb.
I can’t laugh
I can’t cry.
 
I

iWILLOBTAINMENTALHEALTH2

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823
I also have these feelings, or should I say non-feelings.
I feel numb.
I can’t laugh
I can’t cry.
Even though I'm so damn emotional. I do have fazes where I'm numb. I hate it. :(
 
P

Pollypop

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Yes, I must admit I am not always numb etc but I haven’t cried since 2012.
And yes, I hate it too.
 
Someoldguy

Someoldguy

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Jul 26, 2019
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fly over country, USA
Are either of you certain you have a correct diagnosis?

It sounds strikingly famaliar to me. But who am I? No one. Perhaps my diagnosis is incorrect.

For that matter, does a specific label really matter? I think not.
 
Heidrun

Heidrun

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May 9, 2019
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unfamiliar
I know that DR in combination with anxiety can be very upsetting.

Talking about the detachment, I can handle my dissociation symptoms with some "tricks" when they are at extreme times:
- go to a place where you feel comfortable
- Use all your senses : Smell the grass, touch a tree, taste a sweet (i always keep some sweets in case of emergency), hear the birds.
- Meditation and breathing exercises sometimes works for me when I also have panic attacks.

And of course consulting with your therapist/psych for treatment that's more specific for you

All the best and hope you feel better soon :)
 

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