Depression & Staying in a passionless marriage

[DavidCR]

Hello,

I just wanted to share this as I can't say it to anyone in my life - as I don't have anyone anymore who I can really open up to on this. The passion has been gone for me from my marriage for a number of years now, I like my wife as a person and don't want to hurt her but I have zero interest in her romantically anymore, but we have a child I adore and I know if I leave I won't be able to survive the depression and loneliness from not seeing my kid for probably 4 or 5 days a week - I just can't face it. My wife is still is in love with me and she seems blind to the reality of our situation or else she's ignoring it, we don't argue much at get on reasonably well - give each other a lot of space. I'm in my 30's so I figure try and hold out until my kid reaches her mid / late teens and by then she can choose for herself and she can see me as much as she wants. Thing is that's about 15 years away and it's hard to stay in a marriage which is essentially dead for me. But even the thought of not living with my child everyday is horrifying for me. Anyone else have experience like this?

 

[Lizaje]

You mean she still loves you or is still in love with you? It would sound odd if she's 'in love with you' while you have lost the desire to be with her. Just my opinion, but if the other loses interest and it is noticed and she would react at least to such an extent that she'd no longer be exactly in love. But that my view, I could be wrong.

Why do you assume you would only see your child on weekends? Can't you make another arrangement? One thing I can say, your husband losing interest in you while you haven't lost interest in him, hurts. Pretending to still be on board, imo, may be even more hurtful and giving false hope the situation isn't that bad, may also be very hurtful. Honesty and openness is important, in my experience. If you live close to the mother, I don't see why you couldn't see the child often by the time she goes to school at least.

 

[JCPraha]

Yes, divorce is very upsetting and hard to cope with, particularly when a child is involved. It does not sound as if the relationship is so terrible, it's just that you have lost passion. But, what will you do? If you leave your wife and endure the stress, then what? If you find someone else, how long will the passion for that person last? I think it is common that we do not have the same passion for someone after a number of years. Think about it.

 

[SunnyDaze]

Hello,

I just wanted to share this as I can't say it to anyone in my life - as I don't have anyone anymore who I can really open up to on this. The passion has been gone for me from my marriage for a number of years now, I like my wife as a person and don't want to hurt her but I have zero interest in her romantically anymore, but we have a child I adore and I know if I leave I won't be able to survive the depression and loneliness from not seeing my kid for probably 4 or 5 days a week - I just can't face it. My wife is still is in love with me and she seems blind to the reality of our situation or else she's ignoring it, we don't argue much at get on reasonably well - give each other a lot of space. I'm in my 30's so I figure try and hold out until my kid reaches her mid / late teens and by then she can choose for herself and she can see me as much as she wants. Thing is that's about 15 years away and it's hard to stay in a marriage which is essentially dead for me. But even the thought of not living with my child everyday is horrifying for me. Anyone else have experience like this?

I'm glad you're being completely honest here about how you feel. I think it was Dr Phil that said "you can't change what you don't acknowledge"(?).

It made me sad to read what you said about staying until your child is older. You're still fairly young and deserve to be happy and fulfilled. If you stay for that reason only you will grow to feel bitterness and resentment,and things most likely will get worse.

Change is hard,and scary. If you're truly not happy in your marriage it would be better to leave and face the changes and hardships head on. But if you think it's possible to get the passion back and really want it to work out,couples therapy might be a good idea.

It's easy for me to give advice about this but not easy for me to take my own advice.Although my reasons for staying are not the same as yours I do know what a dead marriage feels like. Mine has been dead for quite a few years. I wish walking away was easy to do.

Have you considered therapy for yourself to help you through all of this? Maybe a listening ear and a little guidance can help you decide what you really want and how to go about it?

Hugs

 

[JCPraha]

Yes, it is certainly not easy.

 

[ludera]

Seriously. Passion is gone in nearly every relationship I know, people suffer too much, but it is the way it is, unless you started as a very passionate couple and stay like that. But that's rare, I think. It happened to mine. I'm happy at home. My best friend is my partner. But we barely have sex, no sexual interest or passion at all after some years. We just love each other in a very fraternal way and it's hard to see the other one the way we would like. It just doesn't happen anymore.

I discovered it after years of leaving him, trying different options, with different kind of relationships. All the time I came back to my life with him. Real love is being with somebody you love, not somebody you desire.
That's a problem, because in other societies you have the freedom to be with other people to calm down your more "internal" passion. Everybody needs that. But nobody will ever understand it. We ended up acknowledging it, talking about that problem and deciding that whenever we had needs of some passion and couldn't help it, we could flirt a little bit around, everybody likes to feel liked, just a little bit, but nothing serious. If we take that seriously and respectfully,with somebody else who knows what it means, it can be done and even helps bringing up all that passion again to the couple.

It's still a struggle for me. But this seems to be a very common reason to end marriages. I think it's wrong. It's rare to be passionate with your couple all your life, true love doesn't mean passion.

 

[Purpleplum]

Have you tried couple's counseling to determine what made you lose interest?

Are you just hooked on the thrill of the beginning of relationships?

I'm sure your wife can tell how you feel. Most women are very intuitive.

 

[JCPraha]

I agree with ludera. Passion does usually go away after a number of years. It always happens. If you leave and go to someone else, that passion will also disappear in time.