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Depression really bad this morning

  • Thread starter Sarabi_Gyarados
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S

Sarabi_Gyarados

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 20, 2019
Messages
277
Location
UK
I think I've also had a tendency towards depression, but I feel it peaked in puberty (mine is connected I believe to fluctuations in hormones and PMDD) but also recent life experiences. I am a bit of a cynical idealist, I know life is cruel but I also hope it's not. In the past year I lost my mother to cancer (she was suffering on and off for five years) and saw her die. In the same year, I discovered my long distance boyfriend had been cheating on me with multiple women despite our plans to move to be together. One of the women fell pregnant. The whole time he lied to both of us that he was infertile so I had to come back and have pregnancy tests and blood/urine/self-swab tests to see if I was okay (fortunately I am.)

Due to covid19, I am unable to work (a little here and there only) and I find myself just feeling utterly hopeless. I feel like every area of my life has broken or is breaking apart. All I want to do is eat and sleep. I don't really see the point dreaming or hoping anything, because it always seems to go wrong. People are selfish and disappointing - at some point 99% of them WILL lie, cheat or leave. The world is geared for instant gratification from food to sex to entertainment. Even though we are destroying our world and each other, we won't stop.

This morning I have felt emptier and sadder than I have in a long while. My period is due so I know my hormones are feeding into this. Life just feels cruel, unfeeling. If you are emotional, sensitive, caring, you will be stomped on. To survive, you have to be cold, numb, unfeeling. I've found myself feeling like a little kid recently, just wanting to eat junk and watch cartoons. I can't stomach anything adult like sex (which in my mind feels tainted by an abusive liar) or work (which feels like a trap.)

Just wanted to share with people who might understand x
 
D

Deleted member 91323

Guest
I am so sorry you are struggling today. Loosing your mother must have been so painful. Could it be you are still grieving? What an awful shock to find all that out about your boyfriend. I am sorry he betrayed you. You have had terrible experiences with people so I can understand how you think people are selfish. I have managed to meet some decent people and have been shown there are good people out there. It is good you are posting on here. You will find a lot of support.
 
J

JCPraha

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Joined
Aug 27, 2018
Messages
859
You have endured some very difficult experiences. I know life and people are generally cold and cruel, but there is some good in the world, albeit difficult to find. Hopefully, you can find some more satisfying relationships. I know it is much easier said than done. But there is some good in the world, if you can find it.
 
K

karl7

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
926
I think I've also had a tendency towards depression, but I feel it peaked in puberty (mine is connected I believe to fluctuations in hormones and PMDD) but also recent life experiences. I am a bit of a cynical idealist, I know life is cruel but I also hope it's not. In the past year I lost my mother to cancer (she was suffering on and off for five years) and saw her die. In the same year, I discovered my long distance boyfriend had been cheating on me with multiple women despite our plans to move to be together. One of the women fell pregnant. The whole time he lied to both of us that he was infertile so I had to come back and have pregnancy tests and blood/urine/self-swab tests to see if I was okay (fortunately I am.)

Due to covid19, I am unable to work (a little here and there only) and I find myself just feeling utterly hopeless. I feel like every area of my life has broken or is breaking apart. All I want to do is eat and sleep. I don't really see the point dreaming or hoping anything, because it always seems to go wrong. People are selfish and disappointing - at some point 99% of them WILL lie, cheat or leave. The world is geared for instant gratification from food to sex to entertainment. Even though we are destroying our world and each other, we won't stop.

This morning I have felt emptier and sadder than I have in a long while. My period is due so I know my hormones are feeding into this. Life just feels cruel, unfeeling. If you are emotional, sensitive, caring, you will be stomped on. To survive, you have to be cold, numb, unfeeling. I've found myself feeling like a little kid recently, just wanting to eat junk and watch cartoons. I can't stomach anything adult like sex (which in my mind feels tainted by an abusive liar) or work (which feels like a trap.)

Just wanted to share with people who might understand x
im sorry youre having such a rough time of late, i hope things improve for you soon
 
S

Sarabi_Gyarados

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Joined
Aug 20, 2019
Messages
277
Location
UK
I went for a walk with my brother and he has also been depressed after the death of our mother and our father becoming an alcoholic. But he is planning to move out with his girlfriend. I am so scared that I am going to be left behind, alone. I want my family to be happy and progress in life, but I am so scared of being left behind. I have no clue what to do with my life anymore.
 
J

JCPraha

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 27, 2018
Messages
859
Change is scary. I have problems adapting to any change when I am depressed. I can understand your fear of being left alone. It is a terrible feeling. Hopefully, he stays in close contact with you.
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Joined
Mar 19, 2019
Messages
10,676
Location
UK
I think I've also had a tendency towards depression, but I feel it peaked in puberty (mine is connected I believe to fluctuations in hormones and PMDD) but also recent life experiences. I am a bit of a cynical idealist, I know life is cruel but I also hope it's not. In the past year I lost my mother to cancer (she was suffering on and off for five years) and saw her die. In the same year, I discovered my long distance boyfriend had been cheating on me with multiple women despite our plans to move to be together. One of the women fell pregnant. The whole time he lied to both of us that he was infertile so I had to come back and have pregnancy tests and blood/urine/self-swab tests to see if I was okay (fortunately I am.)

Due to covid19, I am unable to work (a little here and there only) and I find myself just feeling utterly hopeless. I feel like every area of my life has broken or is breaking apart. All I want to do is eat and sleep. I don't really see the point dreaming or hoping anything, because it always seems to go wrong. People are selfish and disappointing - at some point 99% of them WILL lie, cheat or leave. The world is geared for instant gratification from food to sex to entertainment. Even though we are destroying our world and each other, we won't stop.

This morning I have felt emptier and sadder than I have in a long while. My period is due so I know my hormones are feeding into this. Life just feels cruel, unfeeling. If you are emotional, sensitive, caring, you will be stomped on. To survive, you have to be cold, numb, unfeeling. I've found myself feeling like a little kid recently, just wanting to eat junk and watch cartoons. I can't stomach anything adult like sex (which in my mind feels tainted by an abusive liar) or work (which feels like a trap.)

Just wanted to share with people who might understand x
Hi Sarabi,

Sorry to hear what a challenging time you're going through. Bereavement is an open wound for several years. I lost my father to a sudden heart attack when I was in my twenties. He was my world and it had a huge emotional impact on me and took a long time to recover. I lost my life partner to cancer whilst I was pregnant with our child and had to fight tooth and nail to cope with bereavement and becoming a parent all alone. It's very difficult to get the support you need when you've lost someone. Some people are too afraid to mention their name in case they upset you...other people think that in 6 months you'll have got over it and they don't know the ongoing pain you're dealing with. I am so gad you have this forum to talk about how you feel. Talking heals.

I can completely understand your feeling of being lost right now. The two people that should be the foundations of your sense of security have gone - your mum and your partner. It must have been a terrible shock when your relationship ended.

There ARE positives to grab on to, Sarabi. I'm so glad you found out the true nature of your boyfriend BEFORE your lives became entwined. You might have married and settled down and then found out you were committed to someone who wasn't worthy of you. It's painful and hurtful but you are independent. In time, you'll see this parting as a lucky escape. Nobody deserves to be sharing their life with someone who is deceitful and unfaithful.

This pandemic has amplified emotional turmoil for so many of us. Like you, I am not currently working because of ill health and I'm also COVID shielded. I don't know what the future holds - it's like being in limbo because I can't plan ahead. There's a monster outside of the house in the shape of Coronavirus and a monster locked inside with me in the shape of depression and illness. It's not easy but we'll all get through this together.

I think it's good that you want to curl up with cartoons. You need to heal and rest - your mind and body have been through enormous trauma. If you'd had a car crash, the wounds would be visible and you'd readily accept that you need to nurse yourself and recuperate. Emotional wounds are invisible and need just as much attention.

Keep talking to us here. Sending you a huge hug and so much love right now xxx :hug:
 
A

Ashgana

Member
Joined
Jul 9, 2020
Messages
14
Location
Lituania
I think I've also had a tendency towards depression, but I feel it peaked in puberty (mine is connected I believe to fluctuations in hormones and PMDD) but also recent life experiences. I am a bit of a cynical idealist, I know life is cruel but I also hope it's not. In the past year I lost my mother to cancer (she was suffering on and off for five years) and saw her die. In the same year, I discovered my long distance boyfriend had been cheating on me with multiple women despite our plans to move to be together. One of the women fell pregnant. The whole time he lied to both of us that he was infertile so I had to come back and have pregnancy tests and blood/urine/self-swab tests to see if I was okay (fortunately I am.)

Due to covid19, I am unable to work (a little here and there only) and I find myself just feeling utterly hopeless. I feel like every area of my life has broken or is breaking apart. All I want to do is eat and sleep. I don't really see the point dreaming or hoping anything, because it always seems to go wrong. People are selfish and disappointing - at some point 99% of them WILL lie, cheat or leave. The world is geared for instant gratification from food to sex to entertainment. Even though we are destroying our world and each other, we won't stop.

This morning I have felt emptier and sadder than I have in a long while. My period is due so I know my hormones are feeding into this. Life just feels cruel, unfeeling. If you are emotional, sensitive, caring, you will be stomped on. To survive, you have to be cold, numb, unfeeling. I've found myself feeling like a little kid recently, just wanting to eat junk and watch cartoons. I can't stomach anything adult like sex (which in my mind feels tainted by an abusive liar) or work (which feels like a trap.)

Just wanted to share with people who might understand x
You clearly are unhappy with the way people made life look like.. Truth to be told life like God created has never been like this : evil minded and selfish. You should be firm on the beauty you see and not give it up,
Being weak is actually changing for others.. to suit their tastes and fit their standards.
Be strong and true and never stop rejecting awfulness even though it means not being on line with everyone.. that should be a monitor not a weakness in your life.
 
G

Goingback1

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 25, 2020
Messages
49
Location
Regina Saskatchewan
it sounds like your depression and anxiety are getting the best of you. see when we are in that deep dark hole are thinking is backwards.... i would work on a treatment for depression and the colours in your world will be much brighter. instead of thinking my bf cheated on me u will think thoughts of hey he did me a favour and its not meant to be. when we are mentally sick are thoughts are sick... get your brain right and the thoughts will folllow! i remember when i entered a SERIOUS bout of depression.... i was bed ridden and ill feeling i didnt think an ssri would help me but it did dig me out of a rut years ago.... diet and exercise can have the same effect and now theres research into suppliments like SAM-e , ashwaghanda, omega 3 being helpful treatment options.... watch out for fast acting carbs they turn straight into sugar to fast and cause inflammation in the brain and cause depression.... its hard to figure out what the hell to do on this planet and even if diet or drugs will help us but there are options to try. let us know your tratment plan?
 
T

timi0000

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 12, 2020
Messages
47
Location
Pittsburgh
I think I've also had a tendency towards depression, but I feel it peaked in puberty (mine is connected I believe to fluctuations in hormones and PMDD) but also recent life experiences. I am a bit of a cynical idealist, I know life is cruel but I also hope it's not. In the past year I lost my mother to cancer (she was suffering on and off for five years) and saw her die. In the same year, I discovered my long distance boyfriend had been cheating on me with multiple women despite our plans to move to be together. One of the women fell pregnant. The whole time he lied to both of us that he was infertile so I had to come back and have pregnancy tests and blood/urine/self-swab tests to see if I was okay (fortunately I am.)

Due to covid19, I am unable to work (a little here and there only) and I find myself just feeling utterly hopeless. I feel like every area of my life has broken or is breaking apart. All I want to do is eat and sleep. I don't really see the point dreaming or hoping anything, because it always seems to go wrong. People are selfish and disappointing - at some point 99% of them WILL lie, cheat or leave. The world is geared for instant gratification from food to sex to entertainment. Even though we are destroying our world and each other, we won't stop.

This morning I have felt emptier and sadder than I have in a long while. My period is due so I know my hormones are feeding into this. Life just feels cruel, unfeeling. If you are emotional, sensitive, caring, you will be stomped on. To survive, you have to be cold, numb, unfeeling. I've found myself feeling like a little kid recently, just wanting to eat junk and watch cartoons. I can't stomach anything adult like sex (which in my mind feels tainted by an abusive liar) or work (which feels like a trap.)

Just wanted to share with people who might understand x
Sarabi, is there some action you can take that will take you out of your current state? If you ask yourself that question internally, never being satisfied until you come up with an answer, then I believe you will receive an answer. That always works for me!
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
8,430
Location
Nashua NH
Hey, Sarabi, I definitely sympathize with where you are coming from and feel your pain. I had PMDD and once a month would become severely depressd for a week and deeply suicidal. As soon as my period started everything would seem better. My nurse practitioner suggested anti depressants, exercise, sunshine, backing off the caffeine/coffee and drinking plenty of milk. This helped out a lot. I know there is way more to your story than hormonal depression but the depression just makes it all the more difficult to manage I am sure. I thought I would pass along what worked for me in case it might be helpful. Hope things are better these days. xo, j
 
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