Depression or Personality?

[Shawnus]

Hi
I'm in a relationship with someone who suffers from depression. We have been together for 9 years, living together for 7, and things have always had ups and downs but I have always tried to be there for her.
Recently she has been refered to a mental health clinic and had an evaluation and was prescribed mirtazapine. She will start seeing someone for 1 on 1 sessions soon. Since taking the drug things have went downhill to the point I have started to call samaritans just so i can cope.
She has got really irritable and overwhelmed with everything (more that usual). When we see the doc 2 months ago she was spending a lot of time talking to people online, she said it was her escape and she would try to be better with that. However, since then one guy has been telling her he loves her and she would be happier with him. I know she has now been telling this guy she loves him too but she doesnt want to leave me. I shouldnt know all of this and for my sins I have snooped just because I was getting so jealous of how much time she was dedicating to this "escape"
I havent confronted her about it, i'm ashamed of snooping and am so scared of losing her.
Its just now I wonder, how much is down to her pills, how much can she blame on depression, how much is actually just who she is. I need to talk to her but she shuts down on me, she will go lock herself in the bedroom and refuse to communicate with me. She says she tells me everything but she isnt telling me how much is going on with this guy, and she does tell me a lot but she doesnt discuss it with me, just tell me when she gets upset.
I could have probably wrote this better, its just these last two months have got so on top of me I dont know what i'm doing at the moment. I just want my fiancee to be happy

 

[Lion Heart]

this is a hard one,i think you need to tell her how you are feeling about this,let her no how jealous you are feeling & tell her you need to no where you stand.ask her is it him you wont or me

i dont see any other way around this,maybe im wrong ? but this is the best i can do for you,maybe someone ealse can help you a little better then me.

i feel for you mate

hope you get to the bottom of it soon mate

 

[Neferakhet]

Hi
I'm in a relationship with someone who suffers from depression. We have been together for 9 years, living together for 7, and things have always had ups and downs but I have always tried to be there for her.
Recently she has been refered to a mental health clinic and had an evaluation and was prescribed mirtazapine. She will start seeing someone for 1 on 1 sessions soon. Since taking the drug things have went downhill to the point I have started to call samaritans just so i can cope.
She has got really irritable and overwhelmed with everything (more that usual). When we see the doc 2 months ago she was spending a lot of time talking to people online, she said it was her escape and she would try to be better with that. However, since then one guy has been telling her he loves her and she would be happier with him. I know she has now been telling this guy she loves him too but she doesnt want to leave me. I shouldnt know all of this and for my sins I have snooped just because I was getting so jealous of how much time she was dedicating to this "escape"
I havent confronted her about it, i'm ashamed of snooping and am so scared of losing her.
Its just now I wonder, how much is down to her pills, how much can she blame on depression, how much is actually just who she is. I need to talk to her but she shuts down on me, she will go lock herself in the bedroom and refuse to communicate with me. She says she tells me everything but she isnt telling me how much is going on with this guy, and she does tell me a lot but she doesnt discuss it with me, just tell me when she gets upset.
I could have probably wrote this better, its just these last two months have got so on top of me I dont know what i'm doing at the moment. I just want my fiancee to be happy

Some of the important points I'd like to stress here :

1- You have a long term relationship with her.
2- You chose to stand by her like a man who cares for her woman should.. whilst some people would walk away especially after she had been referred to a mental health clinic.
3- You put up with her irritation due to her depressive condition.
4- A random guy from the net says that he loves her,and instead of weighing the importance of you and your relationship together.She replies to that guy that she loves him too..totally ignoring you.
5- Then for some reason she hesitates and pity(?!) you not wanting to leave you although probably in her deep thoughts she wants.. to start something new with the other guy.
6- She refuses to communicate with you and shuts her down..But why doesn't she do the same while she is chatting with the other guy.At that point it appears that she is utilizing her depression as a mere excuse to reject you.

Now I understand that she is your fiancee..I understand how much you care for her.But remember nothing is guaranteed in life.Even 30 yeared marriages crumble.You say that you are scared of loosing her,mark my words than you'll loose her.I know from experience.

My observation is that she doesn't love and care for you as much as you care for her.Because a person who loves her fiancee can't bring herself to utter or type I love you too,to an another person on the net.

Just be careful.Don't get surprised if she leaves you.My suggestion is go to the very end..don't be the one to end this relationship if things get messy.Nine years is a long time you've gone thus far..go to the very end so that you may not have any regrets in the future,having done everything you could in the past about her.

 

[Ainsworth]

imo, you need to talk to her and tell her your concerns. depression does make people act differently from their usual personality, in fact it can take it to a place where nobody recognises their behaviour.

the 'escape' could be just that, the words could be meaningless to what she wrote because someone made her feel needed and wanted at that point. it could be a 'caught in a moment' thing. and what you need to remember is this isnt reality, this isnt her life and she may be acting in another manner to become someone else, so its depends on how important the net is to her existance.

until you talk to her you wont know the reason or what is in her head but understand that is going to be difficult because you have snooped. i think that will be your bigger problem when you do speak up as she will react to that. you will need to be careful how you deal with it.

friendships on line can become very trusted, i have one which i feel very close to, i tell him most things about myself but we dont ever go down the 'i love you, runaway with me route' we are both married with kids and there is a line, he is my online friend. my OH knows i speak to this person but doesnt know how much. it was just i found a connection with someone who was a man.

good luck with this, i think its quite a difficult situation for you. maybe if you talk some more on here before doing anything, i dont know! maybe might not of helped but welcome to the forum Shawnus