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Depression of loneliness from unrequited love?

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Ryu4fly

Member
Joined
Aug 2, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Tokyo
I (28) was dating this gorgeous girl (27) for 4 months, but ended things because It was killing me on the insider.

We met at a bar (of course not a great place) and really hit it off, but as we kept seeing each other I started to realize how much she took forever to text me and would leave me on read. Sometimes it would be hours, a day or at most 3 days.

We also only saw each other once a week, but always met on the days she was only free. Especially with the whole corona virus she had a lot of time, me on the other hand had to go to work everyday. She was great in person, but at the same time once she leaves it feels like she’s a totally different person than in person. I always initiated texting and also called but she never picks up (not constantly calling just like once in a while).

On our fourth day she uttered out that she loves me, but that put us both in shock cause she said she didn’t mean to say that. Then I told her what my intentions were, which was looking for an exclusive relationship, but to her she was telling me how a relationship is like practicing for marriage and wanted to take it slow.

Few weeks pass by and confused as to what we were and devastated, I asked her where this was going and if we were serious or casual and she told me it was casual cause she was thinking of marriage and kids and didn’t want to miss the opportunity to meet that someone and apologized for being selfish.

That killed me on the inside and I spent 2 day’s prepared to break it off and saw her in person assuming she would accept the fact that things wouldn’t work and end, but her reaction threw me off and she told me she wanted things to work and we spent 2 hours talking and she wanted time to think of either being committed or being casual. Cause I told her if we were casual I wouldn’t want to try as hard and not put her as a priority just like she hasn’t been to me which I guess made her very sad or pretending? She also said meeting once a week was enough for her and texting doesn’t define a relationship. This is coming from a girl that always talked about other guys and taking her phone into the bathroom when she’s spending time at my place. This was how bad I started overthinking.

Anyways, she texted me saying her she has a lot of time off cause of corona and can fit into my schedule, but I just couldn’t handle it cause I was confident and ready to end it. I texted her saying that I am worth more than just being an option and I would like to give her time to think, but I don’t see this working and these 4 months were fun, but I need to walk away from this.

She texted me 3 hours later saying how she didn’t want us to break up and how she felt very comfortable being around me and “confide in”. She understands what I am hoping, but at this moment she can’t give me what I want immediately and apologized for being selfish.

That’s when I left her on read, blocked her, deleted her. This was 3 months ago. 4 months seem short but I just fell deep.

Ive been trying dating apps but never get matched, I’m not the type who just approaches girls and being in Japan and knowing only 3 people here I just feel so lonely. The weekends hit me the hardest cause I realize I’m at home all alone no one calling or texting me. I just don’t know what to do anymore and she won’t get out of my head, I just want to let go of her. I don’t miss her, I’m not as angry anymore, but I just don’t know how to let it go and I’m scared I’ll be stuck in this rabbits hole.
 
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Deleted member 91323

Guest
Hello and welcome to the forum. I think you did the right thing to end things and you are right to say you deserve more. It is difficult feeling lonely and sometimes it can make us feel talking to a person who is not very nice is better then not having anybody to talk to. I have had toxic relationships with the fear of being alone. It is very hard to meet a potential partner so I sympathise with your struggle. I wonder if you could think of ways to occupy yourself so you feel less alone? You can post on here and in time you may make friends. Some people enjoy chat rooms too.
 
R

Ryu4fly

Member
Joined
Aug 2, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Tokyo
Hello and welcome to the forum. I think you did the right thing to end things and you are right to say you deserve more. It is difficult feeling lonely and sometimes it can make us feel talking to a person who is not very nice is better then not having anybody to talk to. I have had toxic relationships with the fear of being alone. It is very hard to meet a potential partner so I sympathise with your struggle. I wonder if you could think of ways to occupy yourself so you feel less alone? You can post on here and in time you may make friends. Some people enjoy chat rooms too.
I’m trying my best to focus on web development and programming, but with my current state I have trouble focusing just not enjoying life as I used to... It feels like I’m going through a quarter life crisis because of this girl. Like will I make more money? Will I have a family? Will I ever be happy? And it’s just weighing me down more and more as the days go by
 
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Purpleplum

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 7, 2020
Messages
2,232
Location
nowhere
Get back on the dating site. Whether you get matched or not, start contacting others on there. If you're on a site that only let's you contact matches then change sites. There are even free sites. Communicate with others until you forget her.

You do not need to accept the crumbs that she is giving you.
 
D

Deleted member 91323

Guest
I’m trying my best to focus on web development and programming, but with my current state I have trouble focusing just not enjoying life as I used to... It feels like I’m going through a quarter life crisis because of this girl. Like will I make more money? Will I have a family? Will I ever be happy? And it’s just weighing me down more and more as the days go by
I am sorry you are having these anxieties. I think it is quite understandable to worry about those things. Would it help to post such worries on here to get feedback?
 
L

Lizaje

Guest
I hate it when people apologise for something, but then don't stop doing it. Particularly that answering to texts after a long pause is quite common. It's okay if it takes two weeks to get back, but if you're gonna do it again always, your apology isn't very convincing.

Not to diminish your issue, but Imagine a middle aged or older person divorcing after 20 years of marriage. Good thing may be that you didn't make significant changes in your life and you are young. You can do anything.

As for the questions you have about your life — I don't believe any of those questions are relevant to whether you will be happy or not. I believe that only someone who depends on God can be happy.

From another perspective, instead of worrying about whether you get married you should watch out that you don't get into a bad marriage.

People always have problems. You're not married — problem is that you're not married. When you get married the problem is you don't have children and/or you have problems with your spouse. Then when you have children, you have problems with the children.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
8,246
Location
Nashua NH
I can understand how this breakup would lead to a crisis of wondering if you will reach the milestones of relationships, marriage and children that you would like. You can still attain these things, especially as a man since you have years to be able to pursue and attain them. Take some of the pressure off yourself and drift in the moment. You are between this relationship and future relationships. What qualities will you look for in the next person? When you are ready go out and start looking again. Try different dating sites and even be open to meeting women if you are out and about places like a bar. Good people go to bars too. I’m sure it can seem frustrating to have a relationship with potential end but if you were successful in getting this relationship you will likely be successful in getting another. It’s just a matter of time. xo, j
 
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Ryu4fly

Member
Joined
Aug 2, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Tokyo
Get back on the dating site. Whether you get matched or not, start contacting others on there. If you're on a site that only let's you contact matches then change sites. There are even free sites. Communicate with others until you forget her.

You do not need to accept the crumbs that she is giving you.
I’ve tried dating apps, but not getting any matches haha Probably my pictures, but dating apps were never really my thing no matter how much I tried.
 
R

Ryu4fly

Member
Joined
Aug 2, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Tokyo
I can understand how this breakup would lead to a crisis of wondering if you will reach the milestones of relationships, marriage and children that you would like. You can still attain these things, especially as a man since you have years to be able to pursue and attain them. Take some of the pressure off yourself and drift in the moment. You are between this relationship and future relationships. What qualities will you look for in the next person? When you are ready go out and start looking again. Try different dating sites and even be open to meeting women if you are out and about places like a bar. Good people go to bars too. I’m sure it can seem frustrating to have a relationship with potential end but if you were successful in getting this relationship you will likely be successful in getting another. It’s just a matter of time. xo, j
I never planned on getting married or thinking of marriage till I was more financially stable, but ever since what she said to me caused me to start thinking it... I told her my intentions that I wanted something serious and be with someone that I can grow with. It literally feels like she just messed with my mind. No I’m also part of the blame for letting this happen to me, but I didn’t expect things to get this rough.
 
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DavidCR

Member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
5
Location
Scotland
It sounds like she's either playing mind games with you or she does not know what she wants - either way I think you are well rid. Hold out for someone who puts you as a priority, if a woman is really into you then you will know it, casual should end after about 3/4 dates after that stop wasting your time if you want more.
 
R

Ryu4fly

Member
Joined
Aug 2, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Tokyo
It sounds like she's either playing mind games with you or she does not know what she wants - either way I think you are well rid. Hold out for someone who puts you as a priority, if a woman is really into you then you will know it, casual should end after about 3/4 dates after that stop wasting your time if you want more.
She just wanted to have cake and eat it. I just never met someone so selfish in my life. Like I said I don’t miss her or anything, but I have been deeply affected by this
 
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Prycejosh1987

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2020
Messages
619
Location
UK
I (28) was dating this gorgeous girl (27) for 4 months, but ended things because It was killing me on the insider.
The problem in relationships nowadays is communication, and acceptance. You must communicate open and honestly and you must accept someone for who they are. You be surprised at how often this does not happen, in this day and age. Physical appearances are the least of worries, and moreover they go over time. Pregnancy or gaining weight or becoming mental ill. Attraction is skin deep, literally. My advice is try to work things out with her, she sounds great.
 
R

Ryu4fly

Member
Joined
Aug 2, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Tokyo
The problem in relationships nowadays is communication, and acceptance. You must communicate open and honestly and you must accept someone for who they are. You be surprised at how often this does not happen, in this day and age. Physical appearances are the least of worries, and moreover they go over time. Pregnancy or gaining weight or becoming mental ill. Attraction is skin deep, literally. My advice is try to work things out with her, she sounds great.
Not sure how you could interpret and come to the conclusion that she sounds "great".
 
R

Ryu4fly

Member
Joined
Aug 2, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Tokyo
It is the experience of loving someone without them loving you back. Simply put, it's Hell. The problem comes from trying to figuring out the other person's true. So that time you feel loneliness. One of the reason of depression is love.
As my friend told me “You ended it when your heart was raw and in the honeymoon stage”

Im never sure if I will recover from this for a long time
 
G

Gomezaddams51

Member
Joined
Apr 25, 2018
Messages
19
Location
Lost Wages Nevada
There are dating websites that have forums where you can discuss things with others on the website. That is how I met my 2nd wife. You can find out about a person by reading their responses...
 
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